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Dear Wendy

Am I a bad person? What do I do? HELP!

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  • #961956 Reply

    I’ve been feeling so crappy the last few days – like really beating myself up over this stuff.

    So I was in a relationship for almost a year. I was feeling really weird about it for the last 3 months though. The whole thing just felt really dead. We never went on dates, and I’m someone who values going out a lot. I tried not to let it affect me that much but over time it made me feel kinda bored in the relationship. I told him my frustrations and he listened, but never acted on anything. He didn’t really show his love for me the way I showed my love for him. But now I broke up with him he’s determined to start going out and making more effort. As I said, the relationship wasn’t stimulating. We never did anything together I’d say 3 dates maximum – other than that it was nothing other than snap chatting and meeting at my flat on occasion. I wasn’t even sexually attracted to him that much.

    But here’s the big issue.

    An old flame has started talking to me again. We are only speaking as friends but I feel really guilty because all the emotions and feelings I had for him are flooding back and overwhelming me. When I entered this recent relationship the guy knew I wasn’t completely healed from my previous one, but decided to ask me out anyways. The way he asked me out was too romantic for me to say no. I felt bad if I said no. So I just said yeah and hoped my feelings from the past would dissolve and they sorta did but now the old flame is speaking to me it’s starting to trigger what I once felt. He was my first love, and the times we had together were the best days of my life.

    Am I a bad person for feeling like this? I WILL NOT end up dating this old flame. I’m certain. We didn’t make a good couple but we do make good friends. I didn’t speak to him during my last relationship, he popped up shortly after I had broke things off. I just still have those feelings for him but I refuse to let it go further. My recent ex is still trying to talk to me and I just feel so messy and awful. I keep avoiding him out of guilt.

    My friends have convinced me that I just need to step back and figure out what I want, and the truth is I don’t even want a relationship with anyone. I’m still processing my feelings I used to have for this guy.

    Someone give me advice or at least let me know if what I’m doing is shitty.

    #961963 Reply

    Yes, you’re a terrible person. If a guy asks you out romantically, you are obligated to be in a relationship with him for as long as he wants, even if there’s no attraction or chemistry and you don’t do anything together. You didn’t know that? You’re tied to this guy for life now, and any talking to any other guys is strictly prohibited. You need to sit quietly and think until you realize you’re supposed to be with this guy forever. That’s what your friends mean by “figure out what you want.”

    I’m kidding, you need to be single and have fun.

    #961966 Reply

    Don’t date either of them.

    Notice that you’re talking about memories of this old flame, overwhelming feelings, emotions “flooding back in,” etc., but that you are certain you won’t date him. That’s … odd. THEN — and this is the part you need to pay attention to — you said Yes to a date with him because you’d “feel bad if you said No.”

    W. T. F. ??!?!

    If you don’t fix that — the codependent care-taking of what you imagine other people are feeling — then, yes, you will date him, by default. Say Yes when you mean Yes, and say No when you mean No. That’s why you’re so “messy” and agitated. You aren’t being clear WITH YOURSELF. You cannot have a healthy relationship if you don’t communicate honestly. The mess and agitation you’re feeling has nothing to do with either of these guys; it’s because YOU aren’t being straight with people.

    #961972 Reply

    From what you write, it sounds like romantically it’s over with both these guys, so you should just let it be over. I doubt the ex just wants to be friends, so don’t try to be. More that a little strange that he knew the instant you broke up with your bf.

    Part of what you say about why you broke up is totally valid and it definitely sounds like you weren’t feeling it any more, but… haven’t gone out in three months. That would be three months of pandemic. Apart from going biking, hiking, picnicking with proper social distancing and masks at the ready, if you are talking about going out partying, in groups, etc. — you shouldn’t be doing that, anyway.

    #961990 Reply

    You’re not a bad person -BUT- you should really think about why you feel obligated to say YES when your answer is NO.

    Who cares if your recent ex is now attempting to make a effort? He didn’t when you needed him to. Who cares if your old flame is sniffing around? Stop responding. See a therapist for help if you cannot say NO to people. It’s a really important life skill to use your words for what you want. You owe them nothing. You don’t owe them your attention.

    You know what you want- to be single. So do that and stop talking to guys that you know you don’t want to date.

    #961991 Reply

    Are you a bad person for stating your needs then deciding, when those needs were not met, that the relationship was not working out? That’s what you’re asking. What would you tell a friend if they asked you the same question? Would you tell them that any male attention should be prioritized over their own feelings?

    Block both guys until you feel a little stronger. Tell them you need space. That’s the truth.

    #962004 Reply

    I don’t really understand why you’re ruling out “old flame”. You seem to feel like you should be grieving your most recent relationship and self-flagellating yourself for wanting better for yourself. You don’t have to feel bad.

    To answer your question, no, you’re not a terrible person. A lot of times people come through here and pose that question and it’s usually more along the lines of “I slept with a married man for 3 years and stole his baby am I an awful person?” And even there, I think that the thing they did was awful but that doesn’t define a person.

    But you – not only are you not an awful person, but you haven’t even done anything remotely objectionable. At all. You broke up with your boyfriend who sounds like a drag and who you didn’t even want to go out with in the first place. Now you have feelings for an ex you haven’t ever really got over. How do you get to “terrible person” from that?

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