Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I a pos, how can I fix it?

Home Forums Advice & Chat Am I a pos, how can I fix it?

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  • #1109531 Reply

    Been dating a girl long distance for 6 months now and have even traveled half way across the country to see her, I’m madly in love with her but while we get along well she is a high functioning autistic and isn’t very intimate. As such I don’t want to pressure her into anything so I’m careful to broach the topic. However she has been kind of cold to me lately, I’ve maybe gotten 3 text responses from her in the last 2 weeks and in a somewhat desperate state I met a girl while streaming and we hit it off. One thing lead to another and we have been doing some very sexual things over the internet. I love the attention and the confidence from a women who returns my affections but I feel like I’m going to hurt them if I don’t stop but can’t bring myself to do it. Please I just need an outside person’s help.

    #1109537 Reply

    Yeah, you’re being a pos to say you’re madly in love with someone but you’re doing sexual things with someone else because you like the attention. Think about if the girl you’re dating and in love with was doing the same thing, how would you feel? You should break it off with the girl you’re dating. Bonus points for being honest with her that you’re looking for a relationship with intimacy and, although you’re in love with her, you’ve realized you do need that and you found it with someone else even though you didn’t mean to and never wanted to hurt her.

    #1109538 Reply

    Mate, you traveled halfway across the country to see the first woman. How many times have you two met in person? It sounds as though long-distance dating is not working very well.It usually doesn’t.

    Communication is the key to any relationship, especially if the person you are dating is high-functioning autistic and likely to miss cues from you. Talk (not text) about you feLT when communication from the first woman almost disappeared.

    Are you compatible with the first woman? By that, I mean are your relationship needs met by her? You can be madly in love with someone but not be compatible.

    Example: A couple I know is madly in love. Physical intimacy is extremely important to one. The other is almost asexual and has very little interest in physical intimacy. She never has had much, with anyone. She never will.

    Another couple I know dated for six years and were only intimate four times. The woman has seldom wanted to be intimate with anyone.

    If a couole’s needs for intimacy are vastly different, this is usually a deal breaker. Every couple should discuss their need for intimacy early on to see if they match.

    #1109540 Reply

    @Kate and @Mojo are right. And yeah, you are a POS. You know that if your ldg found out you were doing sexxy things with someone else she’d be crushed. And doing something that you know hurts her means your declarations of love are nothing more than empty words.

    I’m not saying your needs should come second – I’m saying that when you’re in a relationship that isn’t working for you, you have to either communicate and let them know what you feel is missing and what you need from them to change it or you need to move on.

    Break up with the LDG. Don’t tell her about the other person, but you should tell her that while you do care for her, you’re missing something you need and you won’t ask her to do things that make her uncomfortable or that she doesn’t want to do.

    #1109550 Reply

    I would suggest breaking it off with all the long distance women and try to meet a person who lives near you in real life.

    Imagine the intimacy and fun sexual times you could have in person!

    You’re not a piece of shit, you just made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up or decide you’re just a shitty person. You just did a single shitty thing. You’re okay. Do better next time.

    #1109553 Reply

    I agree you are not a pos. Your actions weren’t great, but it sounds like you are more fantasist than pos. Hard to see how you can be ‘madly in love’ with a woman you met in person once, after only 6 mos of on-line, and what you discovered in-person was a gaping difference in desire for any intimacy. You ‘cheated’ with another on-line fantasy person. Seems your biggest ‘crime’ is fear of in-person life. You sound very lonely and more than a little horny. Find somebody within driving range. Meet her as a real person. When you’re lonely, your mind can turn an internet connection into madly in love.

    I would not tell woman number one that you cheated. Tbh, you aren’t close enough to know how she’ll react to that. Be kind. LDR between the two of you just didn’t work.

    #1109554 Reply

    Agreed that you need to focus on in-person relationships. I connect with people online in the sense that I read/contribute to these forums and have used online tools to foster real-life connections, but I’ve never really understood the appeal of online-only, long-distance dating where you never or very rarely meet in person. It strikes me as something only the very lonely do. You say you can’t bring yourself to stop what you’re doing online, but that’s not true. You don’t want to stop because it’s the thing that makes you feel better about yourself, even though you know it’s hurtful and mean to someone you care about. Again, I’d wager a symptom of deep loneliness and life dissatisfaction. Get offline! Try a new hobby! Make some friends! Go on dates! Build up your self esteem so that your life outside of juggling women online makes you feel good! Stop being a jerk to women you claim to love!

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