Am I being disrespectful??
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Hi!
I wanted to ask for personal advice. My boyfriend has told me how annoying and disrespectful it is for him to be on the phone with me while I’m multitasking.Here’s todays example:
I was in the middle of organizing my cabinet in the garage it’s where I store extra toothpaste, toothbrushes, soaps etc. I was basically wiping it down and getting rid of unnecessary boxes. Well he calls me while I’m doing this because I had texted him mentioning my dog had just had a seizure so he called to check on me. We talk everything is good but as we are talking I resume organizing old bottles and looking at expiration dates. Nothing major or so I thought. Well he starts asking what im doing and I say nothing (not intentionally lying) just here in the garage and he gets mad and says no I can hear that your are doing something. And im like no, im sitting on a chair and he’s like what’s that noise. And I just say this one and the chair creaks. Anywho, he’s trying to figure out what I’m doing, and I eventually tell him oh I’m just sitting on a chair organizing the cabinet like I had mentioned to you via text. And he gets really upset, and goes off about how disrespectful I am and how he considers my feelings when I don’t like something. Now mine you we are catching up on our day so I didn’t think me looking at expiration dates on bottles was disrespectful. So I go to my room and I lay on the bed arguing with him, he says I have too much pride and I can’t say sorry and that I don’t know how to apologize. And I just say I didn’t think you’d get upset about that. And he says we’ve talked about this, when I call you I want to give you my full attention and you should give me yours. And I agree. Anywho I end up apologizing and he just says that’s all I wanted to hear and for this not to happen again.And I just say okay I need to get back to organizing and I told him I’d call him tomorrow because I’m upset by how I’m feeling controlled (I don’t tell him that last part).
I just need to know are my feeling of control valid? Because I feel like he wants me stop what I’m doing to sit there and talk to him whenever he calls me. Which I get it, but he knew I was in the middle of organizing the cabinet. I told him next time I’d just tell him I’m busy and that I’d call him back and he said okay that works.
I did mention to him how it seems hypocritical of him to ask for my full attention when we talk everyday after work on my way home for at-least 30 minutes. I’m literally multitasking, how does this instance not offend him.
Anywho I need opinions, am I in the wrong? Please feel free to be honest.
It’s totally normal to do things while talking on the phone. It could be considered annoying or a little rude in some circumstances, like if there were a lot of background noise, or you were clearly distracted and not listening.
But that doesn’t sound like what’s going on here. The “disrespectful” act from your boyfriend is a red flag. I think you’re spot on that he’s controlling. Demanding your full attention is weird. And you are trying to avoid him getting “really upset” by not being fully transparent, which is another red flag that this might not be a good relationship.
Is your relationship long-distance? How much time do you spend together?
Major red flag. What you were doing is totally normal behavior ad your boyfriend’s reaction is borderline psychotic, tbh. It would be different if you were having a very serious conversation but you were just catching up on your day. And for your boyfriend to demand an apology and then demand that you never let this happen again? Truly red flag behavior. What other red flags have you noticed?
I’m also curious as to whether you are long distance? It’s unusual to spend a lot of time talking on the phone if you live in the same place, isn’t it? I mean, to the point that your boyfriend wants to put certain rules in place.
I agree with what everyone else said. This is ridiculous and he sound incredibly controlling and domineering. What’s the plus side to him? He demands your 100% full attention to hear about his day. This is seriously alarming.
You deserve better.
It sounds really bad, to the point that he could be an abuser. Things like this are how they start, and it escalates. That’s why I’m trying to assess like how much time you’ve spent together and what else is going on.
I think, best case, he’s maybe not an abuser but just one of those guys that’s an ass and really difficult to deal with. Either way, you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who acts this way, but you should be aware there’s a good chance this is actually dangerous.
Agree 100% – not disrespectful. Now, I get that sometimes someone answers the phone while doing stuff they can be distracted. But this sounds like he called to check on you – so you and your emotions should have been the focus of this discussion. Instead, he wanted your full attention while checking on you? How does it make any sense that checking on your well being requires your complete attention to him? Weren’t you the person who dealt with something scary? Why are his emotions even an issue here?
Does he do this regularly, refocus any attention on you back on to him? If you have a good day, does he sulk? If you have a bad day, does he have it worse? Or like this, you were feeling fragile but you end up apologizing to him because you didn’t prioritize him. I’d ask yourself if this is a pattern and if so, is this a dealbreaker.
My friend used to call me while she was doing all sorts of shit, including that. I would be a little annoyed if I could tell she was more focused on the task at hand, but that doesn’t sound at all like what’s happening here. I’d do a reevaluation of your relationship and situation and see if you e noticed other signs of his controlling and domineering tendencies. You are not his belonging.
Wow he sounds absolutely scary. I have ADHD so doing stuff with my hands while talking or listening to something helps me immensely with paying attention to the conversation. The fact that someone could be so harsh and punitive and condescending to a partner blows my mind. Please know this is absolutely abnormal and not okay. My husband sure as heck would never treat me like this. Please talk to people who you truly trust and have your best interest in mind and think about if this is really what you want.
I have a toddler, if I had to give someone my full attention to have a phone conversation, I’d never get to catch up with people. This to me is absurd and sounds extremely controlling. Please take in the advice of everyone else. This would be a huge red flag.
Also, is he this way when you guys are out in public?
Hi guys!
Thank you so much for your honest input. I really appreciate it.
In regards to his behavior, yes I’ve noticed he gets really heated over this.
We’ve had this conversation before which I have tried to be consistent with but I’m busy a lot, from now on if I’m busy I’m just going to tell him I can’t talk at that moment.
I’m not sure if this is the answer but this is what I am going to try going forward.It really ruined my mood and I didn’t get to finish organizing because I was so confused.
I did feel like I was being gaslighted because I felt confused about whether my feelings were valid, hence why I came on here to find some validity to how I was feeling (sad, controlled, confused). He’s never done this in person, it’s only when I’m on the phone with him.We aren’t in a long-distance relationship, we live about an hr away from each other so Monday – Thursday we don’t see each other. But some Fridays we do see each other and normally spend the weekend together getting things done.
I am worried that this is the “beginning” of his need to be in control of the relationship, and that does terrify me. I am actually trying not to think this way because I just want to think that this is just a pet peeve of his.
I have been with him for a year and 3 months now, we have had other issues in our relationship that I feel we’ve been able to address thru communication.
You don’t feel like you could say to him, “look, demanding my undivided attention on the phone is weird and feels controlling. I don’t like it and I want you to stop.”
If you don’t feel like you can tell someone to knock off a behavior you don’t like, that’s a strong indication you are in the wrong relationship.
