Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I being stubborn?

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  • This topic has 13 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 weeks ago by avatarBetty.
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  • #962662 Reply

    I met a guy a couple weeks ago, and we’ve been pretty crazy for each other since. We have great chemistry across so many different areas (humor, communication, sex, etc.), and we’ve been really enjoying each other’s company, trying to see each other as often as we can. 

    The only problem is, I get insecure about my body around him. I’m quite slim and fit (I’m 5’4″ and 115lbs., bike to work and back every day (~30 min), walk around the city a lot, generally eat healthy), and I haven’t had a lot of body image issues in the past as my body type has generally always been considered conventionally attractive. However, I wouldn’t consider myself very athletic and don’t have the flattest tummy while he, as an ex-marine, has a six-pack and is very athletic. Recently, he started dropping hints that he would like me to start working out more actively and tone my stomach. 

    I’ve made it pretty clear to him that I wasn’t interested in taking the time out of my busy day to work out regularly and keep up the lifestyle needed for getting and maintaining a six-pack. Since, I feel that things have noticeably cooled off. I’m disappointed as I really thought that this relationship might go somewhere and we had started introducing each other to our friends, talking about more longer-term plans, etc.

    I really follow the mantra of not changing yourself for a guy, but I’m wondering if this might be an exception? If I met a great guy, and all he’d like for me to do is put more effort into my body, is it wrong/selfish of me to not even try? 

    #962665 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker

    Get out now. You’re already fit and perfect just the way you are. If you stay with this guy this is only the beginning. What will he want you to chance next?

    #962666 Reply

    Let me understand …

    It’s been a couple of weeks.
    He has already “dropped hints” that you need flatter abs.
    When you said No, he became distant.
    In response, you are seriously considering sit-ups so that you can stay with him? someone that you’ve dated for two whole weeks? and if you don’t do sit-ups, then YOU’RE being selfish!?

    WTF? Unless you are wildly misinterpreting these “hints,” you need to get gone from this guy, pronto. Two weeks and he’s monitoring your fitness?!?!

    #962674 Reply


    You’re a 115 lbs and that’s not good enough for him? And your question isn’t even “should I dump him?” it’s “am I being stubborn?”

    I’m willing to give half of a benefit of a doubt that maybe fitness is just a super-big part of his life and he wants a workout partner. But he’s being a baby about it if that’s the case. At best, you’re not a good fit. At worst, he’s a dick.

    #962688 Reply

    Get out now.

    You want someone who can accept you for both your awesome traits and your flaws. You want someone who thinks your little bit of lady-belly is the most wonderful lady-belly he’s ever seen.

    Go look at those insta-models who show how pose and lighting flatter you on one angle and what their bellies, butts, chins and thighs look like when they aren’t perfectly posed and lit. They are doing a great service to remind people what normal is and to embrace imperfections.

    2 weeks out he should be kissing the ground you walk on – not telling you how to walk.

    #962692 Reply

    I know you want to believe he’s a great guy, but after a couple weeks, he feels he has the standing to request that you change your body for his liking. This is the tip of the iceberg for how he will treat you. If you don’t do what he wants, he is cold to you. This is not a little issue that a few sit-ups will change.

    And sadly, you’re considering it. I wish I knew how old you and he were. He’s not worth it. You need to date a person who will love and accept you as you are right now.

    You don’t need a six pack to be attractive or healthy. I’m sorry he’s a jerk.

    #962696 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    “If I met a great guy, and all he’d like for me to do is put more effort into my body…”

    These two things are mutually exclusive. A “great guy” won’t have anything he’d “like for you to do” to make him feel better, find you attractive, or whatever. He’ll be a great guy for you because he likes you for you, as you are. Your initial instincts were right — you’re not a 6-pack gym person and have no interest in being one; don’t make yourself into one for this guy.

    #962697 Reply

    I’d bet $100 he doesn’t even have a problem with your stomach. He’s purposely making you insecure so he can control you and make you believe you can’t do better than him. You can do better! Even if you put in the work to get the 6 pack he would start picking at another “flaw”. You don’t make enough money, or you’re too clingy with your mom, or you don’t dress “right”, or you’re too flirty with other men….it won’t stop at the abs I promise! Run & block!

    #962700 Reply

    Great point, Helen. I often forget this is a literal tactic pick up artists have taught MRA/chauvinistic men to do. It’s called “Negging” and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if this is what he’s doing.

    I would do some research into their shitty ways just so you can spot it when anyone attempts their sexist maneuvers on you.

    #962702 Reply

    Wow. This is really gross. A great guy wouldn’t tell you to hit the gym and/or clean up your diet to look a certain way. And it sounds like he’s pulling back because you said that the lifestyle and effort just aren’t for you. This guy isn’t great, he’s a jerk.

    BTW, the ability to obtain a six pack is largely influenced by genetics. You could work at it for a long time and never have the body he wants for you. And then what? You just feel lousy and insecure about yourself in the meantime? Or what if you attained the body he wants for you and find you can’t easily maintain it? Or what happens when your body changes as you age, which happens to just about everyone? Fuck that noise.

    #962704 Reply

    Your post is just sad. Stubborn? No! You both are just not compatible. He is probably a fitness fanatic, with a very restrictive system of values, and he is totally rude. I find it boring, the six-pack thing. Frankly, YOU should get cold if he makes you feel insecure about your body. That line means the end of your relationship. Being in a great relationship is feeling at your best, feeling yourself, beautiful and admired and sexy, trust each other and be confident. It means accepting and liking each other’s body.
    Later, you will remember this episode as a no-go.
    At least, he has revealed himself early – probably because he is so simplistic in his priorities. Let him date a bimbo and move on.
    He is not that into you anyway. No man really in love would say something so hurtful, and get cold afterward. Take note and end it.

    #962710 Reply

    Stubborn? No. Incredibly foolish? Yes. A big touch of desperation and low self-esteem? Yup! He sensed vulnerability and moved in on you. And no, he isn’t a great guy, or even a nice guy, and this won’t end well for you.

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