Am I being unreasonable?

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  • Cherry
    April 19, 2023 at 11:22 am #1119718

    I apologise in advance about the length of this post and I hope it makes sense, my head is so baffled I don’t even know where to start.
    I have been with my partner for just over 5 years.
    During this time I have lived with his mother for 6 months and spent a lot of time around her.
    I now find myself getting fed up of things and I just need to know if my feelings are justified or whether I’m being over the top.
    When I first met my boyfriends mother we got on really well, we went out for coffees, we had a laugh. As time went on I started to dread every get together and every time I had to spend there- here are a list of things that have made me get to the point I’m at today:

    When we were living there, myself and partner got fed up of how we were living. They went to bed every night at 8pm and we couldn’t leave the room after they went to bed as it would ‘wake them up’ I completely understand it is their house but you have to be reasonable and at least allow us to use the toilet. If we left the room we’d get a comment ‘you can’t keep going up and down the stairs’ we’d even have to be in the house by the time they went to bed and couldn’t stay out any later. On one occasion I had appendicitis and was that worried about leaving the room I put off the pain until i could no longer handle it. When I did leave the room to head to hospital, I got moaned at.

    we decided to leave their house and go and stay with my mum until our house move was ready to go. We’d come to the decision together that we would go and stay with my mum. My partners Mum made the decision to approach me to tell me my partner was really upset he was having to leave and that he doesn’t want to move (this could have caused problems for us but by this point I knew what she was like)
    I have watched her drag my partner down several times by telling him that he should be having children and getting married by now. She was adamant to his face that he was unhappy and is at the wrong point in life. She knew I could hear this as I was in the other room. Little does she know we had a miscarriage 4 years.
    she has spoken to me about his ex several times and how she never liked her, yet his ex seems a decent person. Their relationship just didn’t work out.
    I made contact at Christmas to let her know what time we’d be over and because it wasn’t the time she wanted us there she ignored me, messaged my partner and asked him if he was still going over at the time she expected. I personally find it disrespectful and like I’m dismissed as his partner.
    She continuously tells me what my partner wants and makes me feel like I’m not good enough for him.
    She tells us where we need to be & when. Including how much annual leave we need to take to make an event.
    We told her we were moving away, she made out she was happy for us but the next day my partner got several messages saying he needed to go and talk to her because she doesn’t understand what we’re doing and that they need a chat. I ended up having to ask her to respect his decision and be happy for him.
    If something doesn’t go her way or we’re not there when expected she makes my partner feel very guilty.

    There is more I could list but it would take me forever.

    I am kind of at the end of my tether and my partner knows it and understands completely. He does say ‘it’s just who she is’ but he does accept I cannot deal with it.

    She now wants to come and see us in our home for a few days (which I was fine with) but I tried to explain to her that I was hurt by some things and she ignored me only to message my partner asking if she could still come to see us.

    Am I wrong for wanting to cut off from her and keep my distance? I cannot allow somebody to make me feel uncomfortable and disrespected.. But at the same time, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

    thanks in advance and thanks for reading.

    April 19, 2023 at 11:55 am #1119719

    He’s right, this is how she is, and she’s bonkers and awful. It sounds like you’re still trying to interact with her like she’s a regular person and taking her reactions personally. That’s a recipe for insanity because literally this is how she is to everyone and she’s not going to change. So yes, take yourself out of the picture. Any interactions you have to have with her, keep them brief, informative, friendly, and factual, but interact with her as little as possible. She is your partner’s problem not yours. But if his lack of boundaries with her is becoming your problem, then you need to discuss it as a couple.

    April 19, 2023 at 12:04 pm #1119720

    Thank you! You’re right, maybe I do take it personally. I think that’s just who I am

    April 19, 2023 at 12:23 pm #1119721

    I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but you have to train yourself not to be like that. You have to be able to recognize when someone is a jerk or bananas, and that’s how they are and it’s nothing to do with you, versus when maybe they are a reasonable person but they are reacting negatively to something you did and you need to change your behavior.

    April 19, 2023 at 5:44 pm #1119724

    What Kate said.

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    April 26, 2023 at 10:55 am #1119856

    Wait — are you saying your partner was upset about you going to the toilet and hospital? Or their mother?

    How are they supporting you when the mother is so rude and disrespectful? If they aren’t behind you 100% then your partner is ALSO being rude and disrespectful, and you would be making an enormous mistake to have a child with them.

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Am I being unreasonable?

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