Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I being unreasonable

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Am I being unreasonable

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 13 total)
  • Author
  • #964564 Reply

    I’ve been together with my partner for 8 years.
    We love eachother have a very happy relationship.

    I feel like he can be very miserly with his funds, he won’t spontaneously treat me to something whereas I would happily spend my dollars on him with no hesitation, he earns a little more than me too.
    I am no gold digger and I do not expect him to spend all his earnings on me, but maybe I am old fashioned and find it traditional for a man to treat his woman occasionally. He does very rarely, and I mean rarely. That is only a small issue and not a deal breaker for me. But sometimes I think does he not think I am worth spending a bit of cash on?

    He now wants to set a sensible budget for Christmas for both of us to spend on eachother, he said Christmas is more about spending quality time together and enjoying each others company and food and seeing family etcetera, ain’t this just a mighty excuse to keep his cash to himself?!

    Am I being unfair here?

    #964565 Reply

    “Ain’t this just a mighty excuse to keep his cash Tom himself?!”

    You have different relationships with money. This is the person he is. He’s frugal. He might have debt, or be saving more for retirement or neither and just doesn’t understand the point of spending on needless things.

    Do you treat him?

    Have you talked to him about this?

    I doubt you are going to change his behavior much, and maybe you should consider what else he does that has kept you in a relationship for 8 years.

    #964567 Reply

    “He now wants to set a sensible budget for Christmas for both of us to spend on eachother, he said Christmas is more about spending quality time together and enjoying each others company and food and seeing family etcetera, ain’t this just a mighty excuse to keep his cash to himself?!”

    I mean, it seems like he is trying to avoid an inequitable situation where you spend a lot of money on him and feel cheated because he won’t do the same.

    #964572 Reply

    Yes exactly that’s what it seems, so him just deciding that he doesn’t want to spend a bit of cash on me especially on a special time of year, comes over cheap to me

    #964573 Reply

    Yes you are wrong! You are wrong to assume he is being cheap because he wants to set a sensible budget for Christmas. That’s what smart people do. You are a grown adult. Grown people need to stop expecting gifts, esp. for Christmas. If you want to treat yourself, you have money to do it. Stop equating your relationship based on the fact he doesn’t spend as much as you like or makes attempts to “spontaneously treat” you with an outing verse the things he does do. If you want to go get ice-cream one night suggest it and request he pay. Worse case scenario is he can say No.

    #964575 Reply

    Eight years is a long relationship. It sounds like, in all of that time that the two of you have not had a serious discussion about your, obviously different, approaches to finances. You need to do that.

    #964576 Reply

    Do you treat him? Spend money on him with no hesitation? Have you ever talked to him about this? Or do you try to make your wishes known with hints or ESP?

    Money is one of those things that people don’t like to talk about but issues like this can break up your relationship or cause huge problems in the future. You have to have conversations about this, and be on the same page.

    And yeah, personally I think that adults should expect less gifts and buy themselves what they want. Or ask for it. Have you asked him to spend on you? Or did you just write this to vent about him being cheap?

    #964584 Reply

    I’m not normally big on this, but maybe y’all DO have different love languages. Maybe he just doesn’t see “buy stuff” as a way to express caring. Not everyone does.

    #964595 Reply

    I hate receiving gifts. I struggle being in a relationship with someone that requires gifts. I have a best friend that loves gift giving. We had a heart to heart and we agreed no gifts for me but she can buy me lunch occasionally and I buy her what I consider stupid trinkets but she loves them and squeals with delight! We are happy as best friends. My husband and I both hate gifts and haven’t bought each other a gift in over 20 years. We treat ourselves to whatever we want within our budget. Calling him cheap is harsh and counter productive. You need to discuss this incompatibility and see if you can work it out. Like someone said above ask him to treat you to ice cream or whatever. Budgets are life and love in my house. Good luck.

    #964598 Reply

    I don’t think either of you is wrong – you just have different worldviews and values when it comes to spending and how you demonstrate love.

    After 8 years, you know who he is. Take it or leave it, it’s not changing.

    Does he show his love and appreciation for you in other ways? Does he give you lots of physical affection? Does he tell you often how he cares for you? Does he take care of things for you without you asking – getting your oil changed, fixing your things when they break, getting up early to take you to the airport? There is some over cited book but it seems applicable to you – love languages or something like that.

    Can you understand, and appreciate, how he shows his love for you, and accept it will not be through gift giving?

    If you can, let it go.

    If you can’t, move on.

    Because, again, this is who he is.

    #964602 Reply

    It is an important topic and now you have a good opportunity to discuss it with him calmly. I read also his proposition as a way to level your spending on him with his on you. So you probably offer him too many things or treat him too often, at least for the score to be balanced. At least, decrease this source of spending and offer to yourself what you wish.
    Now I would ask him wether he has debts? What does he do with his money?
    And can he accept to set a budget for your couple, for your dating life (restaurants, little trips, whatever you like doing)? This is the minimum, you can’t afford it all.
    You can also explain that you like to receive occasionnally a gift as a love gesture. I would also expect it from my partner, at special opportunities like a birthday or Christmas. THe cost should be proportionate with the means, and I don’t know what you mean as “sensible budget”, but something should be offered in my opinion, yes. Something equivalent on both sides. So if you have a precise wish and it is not out of reach for him, ask for it directly.
    Lastly, do you feel that he is taking advantage of you financially? This is what you mean with “cheap” ? If yes, just stop splashing cash on him. If it is just a difference of personalities and values, you have to reflect on your compatibility.
    I like a “sensible budget”, but I couldn’t have a partner whom I feel is “cheap” or relying on me to “treat” him. And I definetely make a wish list for Christmas. And I get one as well from my husband… We try to make it equivalent and sensible, but not non-existent. But I definitely give him bills to pay or state: this dinner is on you… You have to be blunt.
    So: sit him down and have a talk.

    #964603 Reply

    Brise asked my question – what does he do with his money?

    If you told me that he regularly lines up to buy the newest iPhone or buys himself a new gold watch each year, or leases a Maserati and then gives you a book of McDonalds coupons (do they still make McDonald coupons?) then I’d be aghast.

    But it doesn’t sound like he’s spending on himself and not you. It sounds like he sees spending money on gifts as frivolous.

    Nonetheless, if he knows that spending a little money to buy a thoughtful gift would make you happy, and he can’t bear to part with his money to do so, then it’s doubtful that would ever change. Are you prepared for a life where every birthday, holiday and anniversary is as he sees it should be and now how you want it to be?

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 13 total)
Reply To: Am I being unreasonable
Your information: