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Dear Wendy

Am I catching feels again for my best friend who is also my ex?

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  • #970772 Reply

    Hi, long story coming up, would appreciate any advice you can offer 🙂

    I’m in my final year of high school now, and basically I have this one guy I’ve been friends with since we were babies because our families are super close. We’re literally best friends – we have similar interests and personalities, we go on family trips together, we can talk for hours without getting bored, and we’re just basically the same person.

    We actually dated for just under a year in 8th and 9th grade, but honestly it was barely a relationship – we both really liked each other, but we were so young and it seemed so awkward at the time to do anything more that hold hands or hug because we’d been friends for so long. I broke up with him because I stopped liking him, and after that it was kinda awkward for around half a year… we didn’t really interact except when our families met up.

    I start talking to him a little while after that again (beginning of 10th grade), and I find out that he has another girlfriend now. She was this girl I was kind of friends with, all three of us met together on a small group outing while the two of us were dating – but I was honestly just happy for him because they seemed pretty happy together. I had a chat with her about how she felt about me and my ex still talking, since we were family friends after all, and she assured me that even though she does get a bit jealous, she was ok with it because she liked me as a person and she understood that we were family friends.

    Then a short while later, I find out from my mutual friends, that she hates me and was telling her boyfriend to not respond to any of my messages etc – at this point i wasn’t even talking to the guy other than to ask what our tutoring homework was (we go to the same place), or essential things like that BECAUSE i respected that she wasn’t 100% happy with us talking. Was kind of hurt because he was one of my closest guy friends for so long and was surprised that she would talk so much shit behind my back without even telling me she had a problem.

    Anyways, thats the backstory – she broke it off like 2 months ago after almost 2 years together because they werent seeing each other as much because of covid, and then she came straight back wanting to get back together – he asked me for advice and I told him to break it off – nothing personal, objectively speaking, their relationship had a lots of issues concerning her possessiveness, and these issues just werent going to be fixed.

    He’s almost over her but not completely – he told me he doesn’t want to get back together with her, but they did date for 2 years, and looking back, he sees the red flags now, he has really mixed feelings on how to feel about her.

    We recently went on a family trip together(where i live covid is not big), and during that time we became super close again, after 2 years of barely talking. We talked about so many things, just light banter but also really deep chats as well, and we talked about how great it is to have a friend that you can talk to because we’re both the type to hold out problems and feelings in without telling others. One day we just sat on the beach and talked for a couple hours, or we pulled an all nighter just talking to eachother.

    Talking to him made me realise how much I missed hanging out with him… I just want to keep talking to him and now that we’re back home I’m always on my phone waiting for his reply on my texts, etc. I cant tell if he likes me back or not either – i know he’s still not over his ex and all but we just work together so well, and just the other day we were talking about how if we didnt date back then we probably would have sometime in the future after that, and he also said something about how if he went back to that time with the knowledge he has now, things might have turned out differently – I dont know what that means, and i asked him what he meant and he just said never mind. He acts like someone would when they like me, but I’m just not sure if thats because we’re so close… Its so hard to tell.

    When we’re together, I kind of want to just hold his hand… but not really kiss him if that makes sense? I’ve kissed other guys before, but I dont know if I want that with him. Honestly just confused as to what I’m feeling – I dont find him that attractive and he’s really not my type but at the same time I cant stop thinking about him. Also doesnt help that our parents and his brother think its super sus that we’re talking so much, and one of his friends asked me if we were dating again a couple days ago…

    Please help me figure out what the hell I’m feeling and please also some advice on what i should do :'(

    #971044 Reply

    You’ve been raised in such close proximity to him, because of the closeness between your families, that he is basically a brother to you. That likely will always put a damper on romantic feelings, but it is natural that you be best friends. If you are into reading older popular books with a sociological bent, you might try ‘Children of the Dream’ by Bettleheim from about 5 decades back. It is a study of communally-raised children on Israeli Kibbutzes. One thing he noted is that children very seldom married somebody from the same kibbutz, because they had grown up effectively as brothers and sisters, but to a greater extent than you and your ex.

    #971081 Reply

    Considering you said you aren’t attracted to him, you probably shouldn’t make a move on him.

    Is that true, though? You can’t stop thinking about him, but you aren’t attracted to him? Then what are you thinking, when you think about him?

    Just because you don’t think he’s your type means nothing. People don’t always actually have the same type forever.

    Do you interact with other guys? The way you set the scene makes you seem kinda isolated. More than just Covid isolated.

    You seem to know a lot about his recent relationship, and he even asked you advice about her, but then you also said you’d barely talked to him for the last two years. It’s a little confusing.

    Where are you that you can travel and lounge on a beach and not worry about the virus?

    #971360 Reply

    I live in Australia, and we have no local cases in my state… only international ones :).

    We were still friends, and we meet in person every once in a while because of our families, but we just didn’t have proper conversations outside of that.

    I’m not sure where you got the vibe that I seemed isolated haha… I’m the type of person that thrives off of social interaction so I’m always talking to lots of people, guys and girls.

    #971373 Reply

    I think you want him now because he’s not super available. I think you’re good friends but wouldn’t work as a couple.

    #971395 Reply

    I guess because you’re so hung up on this one guy friend, who’s a family friend, who you say you’re not attracted to…I was getting a sense that there are not many eligible guys around. My bad.

    #971644 Reply

    I think there’s something here, with this guy, that you recognize is great, and you want to have that. You probably want a boyfriend who you have that kind of connection with, and that ability to talk so openly. But the problem is it’s not this guy. You’re not really attracted to him. You like what you have with him but it’s not physical. There needs to be mutual physical attraction and you can’t force that no matter how good other things are.

    Someone is going to come along at some point who will be your boyfriend, and I hope you’ll have that kind of connection and also want to make out.

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