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Dear Wendy

Am I doing the right thing?

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This topic contains 34 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar ron 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #845717 Reply
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    AH

    Hi,
    So, long story short. When I was about 9 I moved to the US with my Mother, and didn’t have any contact with my Father from then on. Fast forward 16 years later, he gets in contact with me and wants to meet. (I live with my Grandma back in the UK now,and I’m an only child. My Grandma doesn’t like my Father, and I’ve been told all my life that he doesn’t want anything to do with me..I’m now 26).
    I go and meet him in secret. It went so well. Turns out I was told lots of lies. Now, I want to have a relationship with my Father, but if my Grandma found out, she would probably tell me to leave and she would feel paranoid that I would forget about her.

    It’s my life. I’m an adult. I can do what I want. And, it’s my Father! Why do I feel so wrong doing this?

    #845739 Reply
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    Logan

    honestly who the fuck cares, you’re an adult 26!

    Mans been absent from your life along time, lots of time lost. If you want to spend time with him? Do it. If grandma don’t like it? Tough luck, just assure her you still care and will be there for her. What are you going to do if you let them bully you out of a relationship with your dad and he croakes?? You going to feel guilty about it right.

    Lots of parents alienate the other parent during separation and will feed all sorts of lies and not allow one to communicate with their child.

    Where’s your mother right now? Have you confronted her about some of these lies to find out if they’re true or not?

    #845741 Reply

    I don’t know. You had one meeting with this man, and now believe what he’s saying over the two women who raised and took care of you. How do you know his story is the truth vs. what you’ve previously been told? Why did he wait so long before contacting you?

    I don’t know what the truth is, but I would make damn sure you actually know before you do something that will hurt your grandmother and mother.

    When I was a kid, my dad abandoned me and reconnected when I was in my twenties. I had never believed my mother and thought she was just spiteful and made up terrible stories to make me not like him. But guess what? He admitted everything she told me he had done. Even the outlandish crazy drama stories I never would have imagined were real. I have also seen the court and police records. I know what the truth is. Make sure you do before you hurt the women who’ve taken care of you for so long.

    #845748 Reply
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    AH

    Sadly my Mother died when I was 15, but my Grandma has been known to exaggerate and tell lies. I have no way of proving what he says is true, but then again we are adults now. There isn’t any point to bullshit anything, you know? No point in lying. Plus, I can’t ask my Grandma about it because she’ll probably say he is lying.
    It’s a tough situation, but as you said, I don’t want to wait until it’s too late for a relationship…
    Thank you for your input so far!

    #845750 Reply

    Sure, there is a point in him lying. He gains a daughter. If there were no point in lying, why would you choose to believe because your grandma exaggerates sometimes, she’s lying about him? My mother is a queen of exaggeration and adding embellished details to stories. That was my point, she didn’t in reference to my dad.

    What did your mom tell you? He’s not been in your life for 16 years. Why not? What took him so long? There are ways of getting proof. Ask him for some. Ask your grandmother. There could be some in your mother’s paperwork or records. I think a lot of the proof is that your mother and grandmother have cared for you you’re entire life and he’s been absent.

    Ask your grandmother for more information. Ask any other relatives or friends of your mom’s. Search through public records.

    If you’re living with your grandmother, you shouldn’t keep a secret that you know would hurt her from her.

    It doesn’t seem like he had a fear of it being too late to have a relationship, right? He took his sweet time. Be skeptical.

    #845752 Reply
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    Vathena

    There technically COULD be a reason he’d lie to you – wanting money or a place to stay and seeing you as a potential mark. Perhaps not, but just something to note. I am curious as to what your relationship was with him before you were 9, and why he never tried to contact you until you were 26.

    Also, you are 26. You should consider living as an independent adult, and then you can go about your own business without worrying about your grandma throwing you out of the house.

    #845765 Reply
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    Logan

    If he treats you properly right now and you can’t feel/see red flags right now? Continue to build a relationship with him now until he does something for you to question his motives. Let the past stay in the past and move forward to a future you look forward. Sorry to hear about your mom, may her soul Rest In Peace.

    #845768 Reply
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    AH

    That’s how I feel, the past IS in the past. I just don’t want my Grandma to find out I’m in contact with him. It is my Father after all. I’ve just been caught in the middle of everything, but then again I hate lying so much. It’s a very difficult situation.

    #845771 Reply
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    MaltaKano

    You’re 26 — it’s not lying to not tell your grandmother everything. Most parents don’t want to know everything their adult kids do anyway. I’d proceed, with caution, in building a friendship with dad. Keep it casual/low stakes. Meet for dinner once a week, find out if you share any hobbies, and do not let money enter into it in any way. And just keep being there for grandma too. This doesn’t need to be dramatic if you behave like the adult you are.

    #845775 Reply

    Is the past the past? The past actions someone took for better or worse inform who they are today. Some people change. How do you know he has changed. Because he told you he has?

    You have and continue to benefit from your grandmother’s love and care. You have had years to see her character. Considering she houses her adult grandchild, I am going to assume she’s a pretty nice lady.

    What has he done for you?

    It’s nice to offer second chances. Keep the door open to a relationship. But I think it would be foolish to let all bygones be bygones when you don’t have any proof to believe anything he says, and he’s waited so long to make any contact. You’re quick to forgive all that which is admirable, but could be very naive. Be skeptical. Question. Ask for the answers.

    #845779 Reply
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    ron

    It’s easily possible that the gist of both tales are true. Your father wanted nothing to do with you when that would have required both contact with your mother and him making a financial and emotional contribution to raising you. At the same time, he may want a relationship with the adult you, under circumstances in which really nothing is demanded of him.

    Don’t just bask in the feeling of ‘here’s my dad and he actually wants a relationship with me’. It will erode any relationship you might have with him if you and he avoid the tough topics. You have to ask him, in detail and with some probing of his answers, why he has been out of contact for so long and why he, presumably, felt no emotional need to provide financially toward your upbringing and education. Those are basic obligations of fatherhood shucked away.

    Ask about his version of why your mother moved to America with you. That action certainly diminished, but need not have ended, your father’s involvement in your life. Did he know where you were and how to contact you and your mother. It’s possible he tried and your mother blocked him. It’s likelier that he didn’t try.

    Has he discussed any of this with you? I see it as a red flag if he hasn’t and doesn’t do so soon.

    #845797 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I’d ask him why he didn’t contact you for all those years. See what he says. Your mom may have taken you out of the country without his permission and didn’t tell him where you were. Maybe he let you go. Maybe he paid money to her that you know nothing about and maybe he paid nothing. Maybe he had abandoned you before she took you away or maybe not. I’d ask questions and see if the answers make sense.

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