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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I in the wrong?

Home Forums Advice & Chat Am I in the wrong?

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  • #1109291 Reply
    Carter
    Guest

    The last few years I’ve really wanted a homestead someplace where I can grow food year round. I knew I would never have enough money to do it on my own and my mother also liked the idea of having a homestead so we decided my mother and I were going to go half and half on land and build 2 houses on it, one for her, one for me. I would be doing almost all of the livestock care and gardening, and pretty much anything else that goes into being self sufficient. That was okay with me because I enjoy that stuff but Because so much would be going into this lifestyle I also decided that I would change my career to farming so I could do everything at once and I’ve started to get really excited about it! Well we’re about 5 months away from moving and my mother just told me that her son (my half brother, whom I don’t get along with at all) is going to live with us until he’s 18 and them build a house on our land and live there, potentially forever. We originally planned on him maybe staying in the summer or for half the summer so he could spend the other half with his father but she came home after talking to them about it with this devastating news and she didn’t even consult me. I backed out of going half and half with her at this point because I don’t want to put every cent I have and every ounce of blood sweat and tears that will be going into this just to have to be around someone that I don’t get along with at all, While I’m working as a farmer on the land, playing in the yard with my kids, literally doing everything that goes into it. She said he would pay 1/3 of it but I feel that being around him all the time would make my dream feel like a chore. not To mention he won’t be paying any of the down payment. We’ve had this plan for about two years and in one conversation my dream just crumbled. Like I said before, there’s no way I can afford it on my own. I just don’t know what to do at this point and she thinks I’m being ridiculous and I feel like she didn’t give me much of a choice, after all it’s supposed to be OUR homestead not just hers.

    #1109292 Reply
    Tui
    Participant

    Your post makes me think of more questions than answers. I don’t think it would be unexpected that your mum would have her other son live with her if he’s still under the age of 18, or that she would want to continue to provide for him. Where does he live now? I’m not clear either on how big a piece of land you’re talking about and whether the plan is to be self sufficient, or to have a business selling as certain type of produce which I’d what I think of as farming. Do you have any experience yet of farming? Even if your half brother was out of the picture at present, what do you expect to happen to her share of the property if she’s is unable to live there or dies?

    #1109299 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I think you are being a little hard on your mother. She has another actual underage child she is still responsible for. To me, it seems that you’ve gone a bit overboard with the dramatics. I don’t understand why him living there however briefly could ruin all possible dreams you had of the place. He’s a just a boy. He could probably use a good role model.

    And yes, have you farmed? Farming is a lot of hard work and it might actually be helpful to have another set of youthful, strong hands around.

    #1109300 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    I don’t understand. He’s underage. Of course your mother has to provide for him in whatever way works best. You have kids (or were you talking about playing in the yard with future kids?) so you should get it.

    Also, how do you expect your underage half brother to help with a down payment for the farm? Like, wow!!

    I just don’t understand this letter. At all.

    #1109303 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think, bottom line, if you’re not financially independent, then you have to deal with other people’s situations. Including your mom’s minor child and any partner or lover or pets she may have. She’s to be a half owner of this property and it’s her home too. If your kids and partner are going to live there, why would she not have the same rights? I understand it’s upsetting if you don’t like this person, but it is part of the price for having your dream before you can actually afford it. Does that make sense? It’s a compromise.

    #1109315 Reply
    Carter
    Guest

    Well right now she only sees him two days a week and doesn’t financially support him at all. He lives with his father And has never lived with my Mother since his parents got divorced. He’s of working age.

    #1109316 Reply
    Carter
    Guest

    And the 2 days a week is only 2 hrs each day so a total of 4 hrs. I expected him to come up either for the entire summer or half of the summer as we previously discussed. Oh also I garden a ton so I was just planning on upscaling it and selling my harvests

    #1109318 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    In pointing out that it’s supposed to be both of your homesteads and not just hers, you seem to completely miss that it’s also not just yours. I don’t know that either of you are in the wrong, you just have different ideas of what this idea should look like when it comes to fruition. You’ll either have to scrap the plan or come to an agreement on what the reality of the situation looks like.

    I know some areas/communities/cultures have more multi-generational homes than others, but you really think your half brother wants to live with your mom forever? Or was the plan to build a third house on her half of the land? I do know one family that continues to build homes on their land as the family grows, but they have a LOT of land in a rural area of Indiana so they’re not all breathing down one another’s necks.

    You seem to have a lot of resentment toward your half brother, who as I understand it is still a minor and had no say in his parents’ situation. Maybe you could offer your half bro some more grace and get to the root of your issues with your family. I know this isn’t what you asked but just kinda seems like you’re projecting a lot of anger toward him.

    #1109320 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    You said you are five months from moving. Does this mean the houses are nearly done? What does that mean?

    I don’t think it shows much care to disregard your brother so casually. Did your mother get to okay your future (I assume) wife and children living there? What kind of legal and financial agreements do you have in writing?

    I do think you sound pretty harsh and yes, angry at or jealous of your young brother. What is that about?

    #1109321 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    “He’s of working age.”… yet he’s still a minor. Would you seriously ask your children, while they’re still in school but of working age, to put money down on property? To contribute financially?

    FWIW, I started working when I was 11 years old. First as a babysitter and then at a car dealership when I was 14. Never once did my parents ask me to pay for part of their house/property. I don’t understand why’d you ask your half brother, who’s a minor, to?

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by ktfran.
    #1109324 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Something is missing here. OK, so you don’t get along. He won’t be living with you. He likely won’t be working with you – it’s not like you expected a second person to help with the farming.

    If you’re going in halfsies on this land with your mom -did you have any discussion about what would happen if either of you died? Or did you assume that she would leave all of the land and the house to you? Because she could end up leaving her half to your half brother. Did you discuss what, if any, contribution your half brother would provide and what his compensation would be?

    It just sounds like you don’t want your half brother there and you’re throwing up barriers, and each time your mom or your brother knock the barrier down you got more angry that this wasn’t going your way. If this is so important to you then either accept your mom’s new deal or figure out how to pay for this yourself without your mom’s help.

    #1109332 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    Back out of the deal now. It seems clear that you are not going to enjoy this living arrangement. What you propose to do isn’t easy and being as uncomfortable as you are with sharing the property with your step-brother will make it impossible.

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