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Am I In The Wrong? Advice?

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  • #865536 Reply
    avatarmeowie
    Guest

    Hey there, so, I’m 20 years old and I have been with my boyfriend from the age of 16. We met at a dark time in my life and he helped me so much in those times, I do believe he helped me to see my true potential and to flourish as a human being. We have had such good times together, and he is good at listening to my concerns (when there are any). However. For almost a year now, since we both moved into our own apartments, he has only ever visited my place two or three times. He is aware that I have been upset at this for a long time as I feel I sacrifice a lot of my time, energy, money and comfort for someone who won’t meet me halfway and do the same for me.

    I am fed up with being the one to make all the effort to go to his, when he doesn’t even keep it clean, nor is it exciting or exhilarating for me at all. We never go out, whether it be to a cafè or on an actual day out doing something fun. All I do at his is lounge around in bed… This drives me crazy. I am the sort of person who will wake up and want to do something spontaneous, but it’s so rare I will be able to talk him into the idea. So rare, in fact, that we haven’t had a day out in over a year. He claims he is depressed and he wants to change things, but it seems to me all I ever get from him are excuses as to why things are the way they are. I have grown sick of it, and it has been affecting my own mental health. Doing nothing all day is fun… sometimes. But after so long it starts to feel pointless. I begun to feel like I have no purpose, which took its toll on me. My depression became pretty bad. I stopped coming to his so much, and now I’m lucky if I see him for a day per week.

    I often find myself feeling pretty mad, frustrated and upset. This can result in an exchange of texts that seems to make me look like I am starting an argument all the time, for no reason.

    The way I see it is, if he cared about me in the same way, he would be making more of an effort. Well, some effort.
    My apartment is a 25-30 walk away from his, or a 5-10 minute Uber ride. I have even offered to pay for his ride up here.

    The reason I have put up with things for so long is, my boyfriend thinks he may have agoraphobia (fear of going outside).
    The other reason he gives for not wanting to come to mine, is that it’s boring as I don’t have WiFi in my flat. He told me he didn’t want to come here because he is a gamer (he games constantly) and he would have nothing to do. I have tried suggesting he can have my phone while he’s here to keep him occupied instead, but it’s just not enough for him.
    After months of trying to suggest to my partner what is wrong and what needs to change, I have reached breaking point. I am adamant that I don’t want to go to his place anymore. But I am also adamant that things need to change because I am extremely upset and the constant stress of him being distant is having a negative effect on me. He sleeps constantly, sometimes for a day at a time, he fills up time talking with his gamer friends and brother now, and if I ring him he rarely answers. He says this is because I bring too much stress and we are constantly arguing. But the way I see it is, that I have every right to feel the way I do. It can seem like I am picking a fight, yes, but my feelings are valid and I just want a resolve for the things that are causing me a lot of upset.
    The thing is, 2 days ago he had to make the decision to put his pet to sleep. Understandably, he is distraught about this. I haven’t seen him in over a week.
    I know that I should be getting him through this difficult time and not bringing up any issues but I haven’t been able to do that. I’v been struggling in my own place on my own, waking up and going to sleep feeling heavily stressed and anxious about him and everything, just wanting a resolve. Am I wrong for still mentioning these things while he is grieving or is it understandable?
    I am worried we are further apart than ever before. And while he is grieving it hurts that I am not his shoulder to cry on. This only makes me more frustrated and upset, and more inclined to not bite my lip and say what is on my mind… I believe honesty is the best policy and I always say what is on my mind as I want things to be fixed.
    Does anyone have any advice or opinions on this? Thank you x

    #865538 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    So, it’s very clear that what’s going on here is you two are no longer compatible as bf/gf. It’s time to break up. The relationship is limping along on life support, you don’t want to do the same things, you’ve stopped spending much time together, you’re angry, he’s depressed… this all means it’s over.

    As far as bugging him about stuff while he is dealing with putting his pet to sleep, yeah, no, that’s really not ok. I just went through this a couple of months ago with my dog, and if you haven’t, you can’t even imagine what it’s like. Please just back off and leave him alone for a while, and then break up. I know you feel like you should be able to fix this, but it’s not fixable. It’s already over.

    #865542 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    One relatively constructive thing you could do right now is read a bunch of articles online about dealing with the loss of a pet, so you can kind of understand what he’s going through. It hurts really really bad, and you question yourself and what you could have done better. You don’t want to be around anyone who doesn’t get it. It’s not something where you’re kinda sad for a couple days and then you’re okay and ready to deal with people making demands on you.

    #865621 Reply

    This relationship hasn’t been working for you for a long time. You aren’t compatible anymore. I think you should pull back. Let him mourn his pet but at some point, you need to take care of this.

    You need to break up and move on. You’re not happy, he’s not happy. You can’t force someone to be the person you want them to be. He’s just not the guy who wants to get out and do stuff. You’ll be happier on your own.

    #865629 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    Your relationship is over except for officially. The two of you have changed in the four years you’ve known each other and you are no longer a good fit. Maybe no fit at all.

    Let him mourn his pet. You can realize it’s over and start getting out to do things by yourself. You’ve never needed him to do things with you. That’s a good lesson to learn. If you get up wanting to do something spontaneous and he isn’t interested you can still go out and do something spontaneous. He does gaming because he wants to even if you don’t do it. You can do the same in your life. Go and do the things you want to do.

    Start mourning the end of your relationship but don’t see anyone else until you’ve broken up. I’m guessing it will hurt to break up but also be a relief to end this relationship that is making you so unhappy.

    The point of dating is to find someone compatible for life. Part of what you are experiencing is why it is better to be at least 25 before getting married. You are at an age where you are changing rapidly and it is hard to choose a good partner before that slows down. When you are dating you need to recognize when a relationship is working and when it no longer works and you get that from experience. If you try to make it work and nothing changes and you aren’t happy it is time to move on. There are lots of men out there who would love to get up and do something spontaneous. You need to meet one of those men. In the meantime you should wait a bit and then break up. He’s basically not been with you for the last year. He’s checked out of this relationship.

    #865632 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    100% what skyblossom said. It’s ok to let a relationship go of it isn’t working for you. Even if the relationship had good qualities in the past. It doesn’t make it a failure. It was right when you were teens, but you & your life are different now. It’s ok to move forward

    #865635 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    There are some relationships that are right for a certain time and situation in your life. This guy, and that relationship, were just what you needed when you were 16. you’ve both grown and changed a lot over those four years, and unfortunately, the people you are now aren’t compatible.

    You both need to move on. You can celebrate and be grateful for the relationship you had, and still know that it’s not working now.

    Give him some time to mourn his pup, and then break it off. He’s probably been thinking that it’s time, too.

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