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Dear Wendy

am i overreacting???

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  • #968213 Reply
    avatarEm
    Guest

    Hey 🙂 So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I’ve always felt he was very loyal and I felt so loved by him. He made me feel perfect and beautiful etc. Well, a couple months ago I thought it would be fun to ask him like his celeb crush. Thinking Meghan Fox or something basic. He gave me the name of a girl off instagram that I literally knew he had messaged before we were together. It hurt but, I asked so I didn’t get upset. Well ever since then he thinks it’s okay to talk about how hot he finds girls off of instagram and shows me pictures of them. Being an insecure person this kills me and I compare myself to these girls. Today he sent me a video of a girl and I got angry and told him I was done with it and that he was part of the reason I am so insecure. He’s acting like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I love him so much but this is killing me. What do I do???

    #968215 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    So these are Instagram influencers / models, or more like people he might know in real life?

    If it’s the latter, that’s more annoying IMO.

    You did ask him, so that’s on you. But most people with a brain and some respect for their partner would just name a celebrity and move on. It’s both dumb and disregarding of your feelings to keep bringing your attention to Instagram models he thinks are hot. I’d just tell him to knock it off. Unless there are other issues…

    ETA, do not compare yourself to Instagram models. There’s a lot of posing/angles/lighting/Facetune/photoshop that allows them to get the perfect picture, but they don’t really look like that. Check out Beauty.false and Danae Mercer on Instagram.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarKate.
    #968223 Reply
    avatarEm
    Guest

    Hey Kate thanks for the response.

    So as far as it being acquaintances or insta models goes, my boyfriend has a pretty large following on insta and could technically talk to these girls which I think is what makes me feel so awful. Like I said, the first girl he mentioned to me as his celeb crush was a girl he had flirted with before. I was expected some far off, unreachable, extremely famous person.

    Also, Id love to just tell him to “knock it off;” however, he’s completely ignoring me for some reason. We don’t really argue like this often and I’m confused why he’s so angry about this. Like why can’t he understand that I don’t want him talking about how hot girls are around me?? I mean that doesn’t seem too crazy to me!!

    #968224 Reply
    avatarEm
    Guest

    Hey I accidentally created a new thread instead of a response but it’s down there 🙂

    #968234 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Something is wrong here. At a minimum he’s being dumb and rude and disregarding your feelings, but with the anger and silent treatment as well, it sounds like he might be done with the relationship. Possibly he’s so young and immature that he can’t even deal with any suggestion that he was wrong, and that’s why he’s “ignoring” you, because he’s in a huff. But if you look at all the behavior combined, this is not the way a guy acts when he really likes/loves you and values the relationship. He’s acting like he doesn’t care, and unfortunately the actions are what matter. You’re not overreacting. Don’t contact him, since he’s ignoring you, let him get back in touch with you. If he does, tell him you need him to stop talking to you about hot girls on Instagram. Or better yet, just dump him.

    #968246 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Back in the before times we called that “a wandering eye” and it was considered rude and uncouth.

    For reasons that baffle me the youth of today seem to think that sharing every thought in your head is a good thing. Now, I’ll give a nod to transparency in a relationship, but you don’t have to share your inner monologue with me. Ever.

    Now that you know this is how he thinks, if he shuts up, would that be OK? Or will you always be thinking about what he’s thinking about? You can’t police his thoughts and you can’t make him tell you what’s on his mind and then get mad when the answer doesn’t suit you (this it the go forward piece, I’m not talking about the right now where he’s running up to you like a puppy and saying “lookit how sweet this ass is”)

    It sounds like you’ve explained that this constant stream of praise for people outside your relationship is wearing you down. Does he do anything to build you back up? Is he normally empathetic or is he somewhat selfish but you hadn’t been the target so you didn’t notice?

    I don’t know what to tell you- you opened a can of worms and this guy took that as a worm-party with wall to wall worms and he doesn’t want to put the worms back into the can.

    #968249 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I think it was foolish to ask a question like that if you struggle with insecurity. You said you felt so loved before all of this. Had you told him his constant praise of other women had been making you feel so badly BEFORE you blew up on him? Regardless, his anger and silence now tell you a lot.

    #968254 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    So I do have to wonder how/why you know you literally know your boyfriend was messaging/flirting with this particular Insta model before you two started dating. Do you go through his phone to monitor who he is talking to or check who he used to talk to? If so, that’s a problem. Or has he always over-shared details? That’s a different problem.

    Anyway, his behavior is odd here. This isn’t normal or considerate boyfriend behavior. A passing comment about a celebrity or public figure one of you finds attractive would be normal, but ongoing conversation around which women he thinks are hot and sending you pics/videos of them (!!??) are really not. It does sound like you blew up at him over this, which was not the best approach to telling him how this makes you feel, but it doesn’t justify the silent treatment he’s giving you. I don’t think he sounds like a good boyfriend at all and this relationship sounds pretty problematic. A relationship that worsens your insecurities does not sound like a happy or fulfilling one.

    I will also add that when I was in my early 20s, my boyfriend at the time was pretty insecure and it was exhausting to deal with. I do hope you will find ways to build your confidence up. A good start would be to unfollow any social media accounts that make you feel bad about yourself by comparison.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarCopa.
    #968256 Reply
    avatarEm
    Guest

    hey 🙂

    so, I know about his former flirtation with this girl because he has told me. Yes, he has always overshared, sadly. As far as telling me about girls he hooked up with before me and his experiences with them.

    Also, I would say that I’ve always done my best to keep my insecurities apart from our relationship; however, he is aware of them.

    I KNOW that it is time for me to end things I just cannot bring myself to do it. 2 years is a lot of time and I’d hate to know I waisted it.

    #968257 Reply
    avatarEm
    Guest

    I’ve always had a hard time putting my mental health first. Being with him is messing with my mental state but I value him more than myself. Which is obviously an issue. Even though he’s an asshole sometimes I love him a lot and don’t want to hurt him.

    btw! I’m 17 so I’m not necessarily experienced. I make dumb decisions, I’m just trying my best. This guy has been with me through a lot which is why letting him go feels so difficult.

    #968258 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You wouldn’t have wasted time, for goodness sake, it’s valuable relationship experience!

    #968259 Reply
    avatarEm
    Guest

    so, would you say I should wait to ask to speak to him (to break up) until he’s done ignoring me or, just go ahead and say that things aren’t working out and we need to talk?

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