- August 8, 2019 at 7:10 am #849919Andrea LetsenGuest
To Kate. This is what I said repeatedly to him whilst we were together. The debt accumulation was coming from the fact that the he was having to ask his parents to buy new stock when he would run out – and many of his wholesalers have a ‘set amount’ that their clients have to order each time. He was taking the small amount that was being made and spending it himself, whilst going to his parents racking up the debt with them on buying new stock. He had said he wanted to close the shop.
I think the issue is his parents. His father in particular is quite aggressive in his tone and how he words things and at times it was like watching my ex regress into a child. His parents seem to think there is more of a guarantee of their debt being repaid through the shop remaining open. They were ultimately relying on me to come up with some miracle on how to get more customers into the shop. I have no business experience whatsoever so the fact that they had put that burden on me was too much pressure as well. Because if I couldn’t manage it, I know who they would have pointed the finger at.
I have no idea why a set payment plan wasn’t enough. That was the original plan, but my exs dad demanded the shop stayed open and he wouldn’t accept less. He claims to have been a ‘business man’ back in his day – which is either not true, or his own successes were out of pure luck because his ideas have never made sense to me. Thank you again for your comment. xAugust 8, 2019 at 7:23 am #849922KateKeymaster
Okay, that clarifies a little. I am so glad you’re seeing this before you committed to moving or getting involved in the business. Don’t let him come back and try to persuade you, he’s a nightmare. You’ll never be safe or happy with this guy. He doesn’t care about your well-being.August 8, 2019 at 7:42 am #849925Andrea LetsenGuest
To Kate. If there is anything else you need clarifying, feel free to ask. I know despite the lengthy post, that only quite basic details were given which has probably left some confused.
I absolutely will not be letting him try to persuade me on anything, I can assure you. I think how firmly I refused after being very helpful and generous and overly-forgiving with him throughout the relationship took him by surprise as I imagine he thought it would be easy to sway me – he most certainly tried (and failed miserably).
Thank you for your participation in this post, your wisdom and kind words. I really do appreciate it xAugust 8, 2019 at 7:55 am #849928LisforLeslieGuest
Don’t beat yourself up – we learn from our mistakes. When you start dating someone new, it’s all oxytocin and good feelings. Those wane at about the 6 month mark.
So one key take away is no major decisions until at least 9 months to a year in.
The dad sounds like a cruel idiot the kind that would literally beat a dead horse.August 8, 2019 at 8:13 am #849934Andrea LetsenGuest
To LisforLeslie. I think you are right in that the ‘new relationship energy’ was a huge factor in how I managed to get myself wrapped in that toxic situation. I was far too forgiving with unforgivable things and far too generous despite a repeated pattern of no real gratitude or acknowledgement of my efforts for someone I barely knew in reality.
It is funny that you use that term regarding his father, because it is a term I have used in the past. He would go on and on and on about things, ultimately bullying my ex into submission, using insane logic to back up his ideas and my ex would just go with it because shutting his dad up and keeping him happy was the easier course than standing up to him. I get that people should show respect for their parents, but when you’re an adult that respect needs to go both ways and his dad certainly does not show that respect for his son. I honestly believe if it wasn’t for his dad, my ex would have closed the shop and moved on but, nobody can make him stand up to his parents unfortunately.
Thank you for the kind words of support. I really do appreciate it. I have been kicking myself a lot over it. At one point I looked in the mirror and asked myself ‘what’s wrong with you’ lol. I know improvements need to be made in my judgements – and as you say, especially in the ‘honeymoon phase’ of a relationship.
Thank you again so much xAugust 8, 2019 at 11:53 am #849969SilvermoonlightGuest
It’s so refreshing to see a LW who responds consistently (and so politely), and has the maturity to take responsibility for her mistakes. LW, you should be very, VERY proud of yourself for how you handled this situation.
The only thing I have to add is for you to really work hard on this “I have trouble saying no” aspect of your personality. I hear this time and time again from women: “I don’t like confrontation”, “I don’t like to say no”, “I don’t want to disappoint people”–and the only thing it’s ever made these women is miserable. The days of women being sugar, spice and everything nice ended around the time Harvey Weinstein was exposed, the #metoo era began and the (so-called) leader of the free world became a monster who proudly boasts about assaulting women. (Though really, those days should have ended long before that.)
Learn to say no. Not only for yourself, but also for your daughter. You are her role model. If you are weak and submissive, you are only teaching her to be weak and submissive–and 20 years from now, she could be in the same situation as you were in, repeating your mistakes. You don’t want that for her.August 8, 2019 at 9:54 pm #850002CurlyQueParticipant
Andrea, i just want to be clear the problem wasn’t your ex’s father it was your ex. If he sells the shop tomorrow and sets up a reasonable payment plan with his parents and comes back PLEASE don’t take him back. He gaslighted you and wanted you to agree to a plan that was terrible for you and your child. That’s him. That’s his selfishness.August 9, 2019 at 6:13 am #850011
To Silvermoonlight. Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree that I need to ‘toughen up’ and be more assertive. Whilst I have definitely been took advantage of before, this is certainly up there in terms of being the most extreme – and I know now it needs to change and that MY happiness in MY life with MY child is what always needs to be paramount. I will be seeking help for this as I don’t imagine such a huge trait change can occur over night, but having said that, I won’t be allowing any situation like this to unfold ever again. Thank you again for your words of support and kindness.
As for responding to each post, you are all total strangers who have took the time out of your day to read a (lengthy) post of mine online and then took the extra time to offer your support, validation and advice. The least I can do is show I have read your responses, taken on board what was said and show my gratitude.
Thank you again xAugust 9, 2019 at 6:19 am #850012
To CurlyQue. I absolutely agree with you. I may have mispoke in the way I worded that in one of my previous answers. It certainly was not intended to come across as making excuses for my ex. He’s a grown man and his choices were his own. I know he all that was going through his mind when he saw me was a golden ticket out of the huge mess he had made for himself. I promise you that relationship is dead and buried and put down to nothing other than a huge life lesson I clearly needed in terms of personal boundaries, respect and learning to be my own advocate. Thank you again for your kind words and support. I really do appreciate it and cannot express my gratitude enough xAugust 14, 2019 at 8:15 pm #850287Another JenGuest
I have never felt so happy at the end of an advice letter! I’m so glad to you’ve protected yourself and your child from that scary, exploitative situation.
You absolutely did the right thing. And, I hope you can treat yourself with kindness and understanding instead of beating yourself up. Manipulative people are good at fishing people in…they’re great at recognizing kindness and taking advantage.
Anyway, this is a really recent breakup, and sure it’ll be rough going emotionally for a while…just remember you’ve made the right choice for you and your child. Hoping good things are coming your way.
AJAugust 15, 2019 at 5:26 am #850297
To Another Jen. Thank you so much for your kind words. It is really appreciated.
It has been a bit rough emotionally but I know I did what’s best by my child and that’s what gets me through in the darker moments.
Thank you for your kind wishes and taking the time to post on this. I really cannot express how helpful and instrumental all the comments on this post have been in keeping my head grounded in reality.
Thanks again xAugust 15, 2019 at 12:41 pm #850344LeonGuest
It seems like british people are so regreshing to read to. The comments section of the UK version of The Guardian is delightful.
About your case, you made the right decision and I congratulate you for dumping this asshole. Thinking of moving too early in the relationship was a poor move,but you fixed it and stood up as a highly smart woman. Very well done.