Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I settling?

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  • #864504 Reply
    avatarCollege Girl

    I’ve been in a long distance relationship (5 hours) for a year. He’s in the air force & im finishing up my senior year in my undergrad program. We’ve made plans to move in together when I graduate… however throughout our relationship it’s been tough. He didn’t really trust that I was faithful in the beginning bc I’m in college and as a result he was unfaithful…. but really I was super loyal. I forgave him. Considering that we’re 5 hours away, FaceTime, texting or just regular phone calls are super important to me. We live busy lives with work and school (me I’m a full time student with a full time job) and I’m so excited to talk to him when I can. However after 3 days of good communication, he becomes distant and says he needs space which includes (not hearing from him for hours or even an entire day— his phone is on DND, silent or turned off so I am unable to reach him at all)but then wakes up in the morning and acts like it’s no big deal when I’ve expressed multiple times that’s not okay and I don’t like that. He then starts saying things like I’m being clingy and doesn’t understand how him needing space bothers me so much. (But we are 5 hours away, not communicating while in a long distance relationship is super detrimental and I don’t consider it clingy, I consider it being thoughtful of your partner and considerate for the sake of the relationship). For months it went on like this. He began saying he doesn’t feel the same anymore and everything would’ve been different if we weren’t long distance. He forgot our 1 year anniversary and didn’t seem too guilty about it. Whenever I discuss what’s bothering me about these actions, he says I’m trying to argue and becomes even more distant. I feel like I’m having my mind played with I’m not sure.. so I stopped caring after a while bc I got tired of crying and trying to make things work when not being listened to, then all of a sudden, he “doesn’t want to lose me and loves me so much and wants to work”, so he comes down to visit after not seeing him for several months and we spend thanksgiving together. The 4 days he was with me, we did not argue not once. He left that Sunday and we continued our FaceTime check ins. About the 3rd day, he began being distant again. After not hearing from him for an entire day and a half he texts me “I know what I did and I know your upset and your not wrong to be so if you want to break up then ok. Whether whatever you believe after I got off I decided to put my phone and watch on silent in my drawer and stayed in the house all day yesterday until I fell asleep. Even got snacks at the store. That’s it that’s all. I hope you have a good day today.” (I called him several times, and texted him— with no response and this is the “excuse” I’m given)
    Well I cursed him out and broke up with him because I’ve had enough. Then he says I make it hard to love me and most of the time he rather not talk to me honestly….. (wow) Am I being manipulated? What are your thoughts?

    #864529 Reply

    He sounds awful but I also don’t think either of you were suited to long distance. A day and a half of no contact leading to several calls and texts maybe would make me concerned but why are you so angry when it’s merely been hours? That’s a pretty heavy contact load and people do have lives. You’re pretty intense and he’s a cheater that can’t communicate, you’re both just making each other miserable.

    I think if the relationship had a solid foundation of trust none of the communication issues would matter so much so it’s probably a good idea this one is over. Try to find a local person who doesn’t try to blame you for his cheating and who knows how to talk about problems.

    #864551 Reply

    Half the world is men. Find someone local who you can spend time with who you trust and doesn’t cheat on you.

    #864582 Reply

    No, this isn’t settling. Settling is when things are generally good, but kind of meh. Or when you stay with someone who’s not really what you wanted because you’re afraid of being alone and at least he’s there.

    This relationship was a train wreck, with major issues right from the beginning. You were right to break it off. And the next guy you date should be local.

    #864584 Reply

    Please work on your self esteem. He’s cheated on you, he doesn’t want to be in contact with you…and you are broken up! Block him and move on with your life. Date local guys!

    #864587 Reply

    Well I cursed him out and broke up with him because I’ve had enough.

    Good. Keep it that way.

    LDRs tend to only work when you move to one after having a strong relationship in-person. It doesn’t sound like you ever had that. Nothing about this relationship sounds like it’s even enjoyable to either of you. Let it go.

    #864596 Reply

    Eh, I dunno. The sheer level of communication you demand on a daily basis is both insane and batshit crazy. PS — yes, you sound utterly exhausting…

    #864619 Reply

    You and your ex-BF are bad for each other. He cheats on you and then says he did it because he assumed you were cheating on him. You freak out if he is out of contact for any period of time. He blows hot and cold constantly making you anxious and agitated. Neither of you are apparently happy in this relationship but good news because it sounds like your broke up. Seriously block his number and count yourself lucky that you did not end up moving to be with a cheating, emotionally distant partner.

    #864635 Reply

    You cursed him out and broke up with him, so now, you are not settling because you are single. Stay that way. This relationship is toxic on both sides.

    You need to get into therapy to help develop healthy relationship skills and be better with the next one.

    #864636 Reply

    DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER with this man. He ignored you for a full day, wrote you a big long text saying he knew you’d be upset and he did it anyway and then when you tried to follow up with him he didn’t answer his phone like a coward. He also turned his cheating to somehow be about you. Ugh.

    #864637 Reply

    Expecting to CONSTANTLY be in contact with anybody 24/7 quickly becomes tedious. It really truly does. FAST!

    #864648 Reply

    I would feel very suffocated if someone expected me to stay in touch every few hours.

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