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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I taking advantage?

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  • #1100697 Reply
    Julia
    Guest

    I am going through a bad breakup and my friend offered me to stay in her guest room/ office. That was in January. I stayed for two months and then went back to my ex to work things out. I returned to my friend’s place in September. She got a new job and was able to work from home around October and she did state that she needed her office back at some point. Things haven’t been going well with her and she expressed her frustrations to me and about me overstaying. I really felt we were on the same page. I was shocked and sad to hear this. I told her I’m paying to stay here please don’t think I’m taking advantage. She was like “well I’m only charging you 400 and that’s not what I would actually charge for this room. I did that to help you out and it’s been almost a year and you’ve made no plan for yourself! “

    she also said that people only make changes in their lives when their back is up against the wall and she doesn’t think I’m trying to take advantage of her but that is what’s happening and then I’m too comfortable. 

    I was always generous and always said thank you  I can’t believe she even thought that! 

    #1100700 Reply
    CanadaGoose
    Guest

    Time to move out. Instead of defending yourself, apologize to your friend and say you did not mean to make her uncomfortable. If you do not leave ASAP, you’ll lose your friend. Nobody wants a year-long house guest, even one that pays (hope you also pay for food and clean the house). You are disrupting her use of her home. Now you know, it’s time to go.

    #1100701 Reply
    Peggy
    Guest

    Hi Julia. I had a detailed response ready and a glitch made it disappear.
    Basically my answer was this: Everything Canada Goose said. 100%

    #1100702 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    She needs her office back, her space & privacy, and this was supposed to be temporary. She’s telling you it’s time to go, and that’s totally reasonable. Time to find an apartment situation or move back in with family.

    #1100703 Reply
    Julia
    Guest

    Thank you all. It was tough to hear but I get it.

    #1100704 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Wow the rare unicorn LW who asks for advice and actually takes it.

    #1100707 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I think your friend said something very important that you kind of glossed over: People don’t change until their back is against the wall.

    You keep going back and forth between a boyfriend and your friend, where your friend is giving you a safe space and watching you repeat the same mistake. The last time you stayed with her until you went back and now you’re doing the same thing. You may not think you are, but you’re not moving on. Your friend has said that it’s time for you to find your own place but you’re dragging your feet. Why?

    #1100708 Reply
    PassingBy
    Guest

    Do you have a plan, or did you think this was going to be a long term arrangement?

    #1100712 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    She sounds like a really generous and patient friend. I hope you thank her appropriately (beyond the rent, which you know is a reduced amount for the value, a heartfelt handwritten note or even an email expressing your gratitude would go a long way, I think). And your friend is right: it’s time to come up with a plan!

    #1100725 Reply
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    I don’t understand why you didn’t leave last month. She told you in OCTOBER that she wanted you out, and you’re just…not? You’re trying to rationalize taking advantage of her kindness to what? delay the inevitable? all you’re doing is causing more harm to this friendship. When someone tells you to leave their home you leave.

    I also wonder if you actually asked to move back in September, and if you’ve ever had an actual plan. When you moved in with her in January you should’ve been working on a plan to get back on your feet, not spending that time reconciling with ex bf.

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