Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I the Asshole?

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 6 days, 1 hour ago by LisforLeslie.
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  • #1095238 Reply

    I’ve got a lowkey toxic friend and I don’t know how to break off our friendship without making myself feel guilty and hurting her. My mental health can’t deal with her though, like she literally is a negative impact even though she doesn’t really mean to be. Any advice on how to break off the friendship that isn’t just removing her from my contacts/social media and ghosting her?

    #1095243 Reply

    Just ghost her.

    #1095245 Reply

    Slow fade is also an option

    #1095257 Reply

    It may not be possible to do it … not to break the friendship, that can be done, but to do it “without making myself feel guilty and hurting her” – that’s a much taller order.

    You’ve already expressed that you don’t want to ghost her, so it sounds like that would either make you feel guilty or hurt her (or both.) If you don’t want to hurt her, it likely means you care for her. Without specifics, it’s hard to know if there is anything that could be done to FIX the relationship. Is it a matter of telling her a hard truth? Or being more assertive about your wants? Is your guilt coming from not “working hard enough” on the friendship, or about “making her feel bad?”

    If you don’t think you can FIX the relationship, then letting it go is the logical conclusion. In that case, I’d go with Kate’s slow fade option, and not feel any guilt. You can’t make someone else feel something (or not feel something) – you can only do the things that are in your control.

    #1095258 Reply

    When someone asks ‘am I the asshole?’ I’ve found that they usually are. You have no stated complaint about her; you even say she doesn’t intend to disturb you. You reference your ‘mental health’. All of this says to me that his is way more about you, that it is about her. Tell her that and that you need to break off the friendship. Ten to one, she is relieved to hear that.

    #1095260 Reply

    If you don’t have many friends in common and you don’t want to discuss or ghost then the easiest way is to be less available but also be less appealing as a friend. If your friend is a narcissist, be distracted. Use grey rocking technique. If they love to whine, offer less advice and ask them what they plan to do to fix their problems. If they love drama, be distracted. It’ll take longer but less dramatic to get to that end.

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