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Am I Too Clingy

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  • #1031999 Reply
    avatarSoph
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    I recently met a man on tinder about a month ago and things started to move super fast. He asked me to date, introduced me to his family, talked about our future. Everything you can think of. I expressed early on that I was extremely nervous about texting him too much or being too clingy because he is not a great texter. Every time, he would tell me I never needed to worry about that and he would always accept me for all of me. He told me that he enjoyed being my confidant and that it made him feel good that I could tell him so much. He did everything in his power to do things for me. It was so temporary though, but I didn’t expect it to be permanent. Just thought it would last longer than a couple weeks.

    As the weeks went by, I wouldn’t get any sort of sign of life from him until maybe 2 in the afternoon (I didn’t memorize the times but I think it was around then usually). He usually would sleep in late, but would wake up early to shower before classes or to do something like take out his dog or run to the body shop before going back to sleep. I told him shooting me a goodmorning text during that time would make worlds of a difference- like he did when we first met. If I had sent him stuff the night before that he didn’t have time to respond to, I told him he could just say goodmorning and respond later when he wasn’t busy. I also told him since we were still in the honeymoon stage that I would like to see him twice a week as opposed to one- since I felt like we were still getting to know each other. And that as long as we have one good, small conversation during the day that I wouldn’t care if he didn’t text me all day long after that. He would always say it wasn’t too much to ask and that he promised he would do so, but it never happened.

    What started to become a problem is the fact that I would text him about certain things he said or did that hurt my feelings, that I was worried about, etc. I would send long paragraphs, but very kindhearted and never aggressive- just telling him my true and honest thoughts. I would ask him if it was too much to send paragraphs, he always said no. But he still managed to not respond to anything that regarded me talking about anything serious. I get text messaging sucks, but when I didn’t see him and he didn’t pick up the phone it was the only way I could express my thoughts to him without insisting on seeing him/speaking to him. I started to get the vibe that I was way more invested in this than he was. And that I had been tricked by his love bombing and being told he enjoyed girls who expressed all of their feelings. He also told me he loved me. That was the catch.

    The last weekend I saw him in person, I told him I was gonna back off on texting him all of my feelings because he didn’t seem to be taking well to it with his responses every 14 hours. He was upset and told me he’d prefer I told him everything. He also promised ONCE AGAIN that I would receive a good morning and that he was going to be there for me more when I expressed my feelings. We had an amazing night, he was so sad he had made me sad and was telling me he was still falling for me. By the next day, he came back over and was acting extremely distant. He wouldn’t tell me why and insisted it wasn’t me over and over again. We still had a good time, and I sent him a very sweet goodnight text afterwards and when he hadn’t answered by late afternoon the next day, I apologized for the possibility of overwhelming him. He thought my apology was due to the fact that he didn’t respond in a timely manner, and this made him upset. I expressed that I was genuinely just apologizing for feeling I overwhelmed him. He once again insisted that I didn’t overwhelm him, and expressed he didn’t feel he was enough for me. I reiterated that when I met him, he proved he was enough for me and that he just maintain my three simple asks (which he always used to do);

    – a good morning text, a response if he couldn’t respond to my longer messages just saying he was busy and would read it later, and to see him more than once a week.

    I never heard from him again. I had to break up with him over text even after telling him consistently he was enough. Everyone I have spoken to says I was not overly clingy, and that he probably just can’t give me what I need so it’s good that it’s over. But I can’t help but shake that I asked for too much. It’s eating me alive.

    #1032000 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Hi-Hard to say if you are clingy or want too much etc….but the thing is, whatever you may or may not be, was not working for this guy. He was inconsistent and hot and cold AND The more you Pushed/demanded ,the more he backed off.

    Here is the thing-never beg anyone to give you time and attention. If he is not consistently showing you he is interested, asking you out, not leaving you handing….then you should back off and see what happens. If he does not “step up’ then step back or off…

    Also keep your life busy and full, so whether a guy texts you all the time etc. or not ,is something you barely notice.

    #1032001 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    You would exhaust me. You just want to micromanage everything. A boyfriend is not there as a confidence pump to reassure you everyday about your insecurities. Just drop the goodmorning text and “sorry too busy will text you later”. You want to write the love story for both parts. Where is the surprise? Where is the uncertainty which is the excitement at the beginning of a relationship? Just accept the risk and test the guy, watch how he behaves by himself. Don’t be his schoolteacher.
    Anyway, your only reasonable request – as an exclusive GF, if you had reached that step – was to see him more than once a week. As your “relationship” was less than a month long, it was probably too early to expect it.
    He was probably still seeing other women and just enjoyed the attention.
    So: stop micromanaging your dates, take your time, and observe what the guy will do when he is not monitored by you. Then act accordingly.

    #1032002 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Well, my answer is Yes. You were too clingy.

    BUT, something is off on both sides. Gurl, when someone you’ve known less than a MONTH tells you he loves you, talks about the future, and says he accepts you for all of you — PAUSE. That is in no way, shape, or form healthy. I’m not saying to run, but it is really, really not a good sign. Was he saying this to have sex with you?

    Even if I were super-into someone, I wouldn’t like looooooong texts that spew all their feelings, especially after a couple of weeks. I also wouldn’t like being ordered to text on a certain schedule, let alone being asked to do it multiple times just so someone can feel secure. It is NOT 👏🏾 HIS 👏🏼 JOB 👏🏾 to make you feel secure. You feel secure by becoming talented at something, or achieving something, or just cultivating lots of good friends. You become secure by leading an interesting life, not because some other person makes you that way.

    EXPAND your horizons. Live a great life, no matter who/if you’re dating, and then you won’t be “eaten alive” by someone else’s behavior.

    #1032004 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    I don’t think that this guy was the one anyway so I wouldn’t sweat it but the level of texting attention that you demand is way way over the top. It would be an immediate deal breaker for me.

    #1032008 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yes, you were too clingy, but that’s not why this didn’t work out. It was never going to. You recognize that he was love-bombing you. That’s a negative thing, not a positive. It’s a red flag and it should have brought your guard way up. Guys like that are unstable at best, sociopaths at worst. Someone who says I love you right away is telling you loud and clear they are not in a place to have a healthy relationship. You can pretty much bet it will flame out super quick like it did here. The problem was you believed his words, even as his behavior showed you he wasn’t invested. And you responded by trying to make him behave in a way that would match his words. The more he pulled away the clingier you got. And he wasn’t emotionally mature enough to tell you it was over.

    It was over from the beginning. Next time if someone is moving that fast and intense, recognize that it’s a problem. And if a guy slacks off on his communication and attention in the first few weeks or months, you need to realize he’s done, it’s over, he just doesn’t want to tell you. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He just wants you to pull the trigger or go away quietly. When he pulls back, don’t chase.

    #1032010 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    And even if this weren’t a love-bombing guy, the thing is you told him very clearly exactly what you wanted, he said it wasn’t too much to ask, and then he *didn’t do it.* Thats when you should say, ok, this guy will not give me what I want and need, and for that reason I am out. Don’t stick around and keep begging him. It’s a no-go.

    #1032030 Reply
    avatarsophi
    Guest

    Okay yes this is a comment I actually agree with. Because maybe I was overly clingy but only because I constantly believed the words he told me. So in the end, you’re right. Was never gonna work. But definitely not my fault it didn’t work and not my fault I was clingy, it was just out of being naive in the situation and not realizing I should have just left.

    #1032031 Reply
    avatarsoph
    Guest

    Uh…a good morning text? That’s not too much to ask. And honestly, if he couldn’t do that he probably just should’ve said no? I constantly asked if that was okay with him.

    #1032032 Reply
    avatarsoph
    Guest

    I have friends. I have a life. Jesus. I didn’t demand him to do anything, I only asked that he lived up to his words?

    #1032033 Reply
    avatarsoph
    Guest

    He wasn’t seeing other women. I was his exclusive girlfriend and these are all things I expected from a boyfriend. I would never ask that of a guy I was just talking to.

    #1032034 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Not everybody is into a lot of texting.

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