Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am i too much?

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  • #850608 Reply
    avatarHolly
    Member

    Hiya all. So my ex of 3 months (we was together 4 years) and i have recently re-kindled, though not verbally official, He is practically living at my house again, we go to work and come home to eachother every evening, he has his keys back, we go out to eat, spending time with eachothers families again. He has even began showing me and getting my oppinion on engagment rings. On the forefront things seem great.

    The issue is that i have noticed that since being back he has become super secretive with his phone, as in, he takes it with him everywhere he goes, places it down screen first and even when we are sat next to eachother he angles it a certain way so that i wouldnt be able to see. I have confronted him and he has said its a privacy thing and that he doesnt look at my phone so i shouldnt be concerned about whats on his.

    He has also made it clear that he doesnt want us to re-follow eachother on our social media accounts. Social media is not an issue for me but its just left an unsettling feeling that hes so against it all of a sudden when it was not an issue before. Again, when asked why it would be a problem he said its because he would feel uncomfortable seeing what im up to and the attention that i may be getting on posts.
    My gut instinct is screaming at me right now so am i right to be so suspicious or am i being too much too soon?

    #850609 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Um. Yes, you’re right to be so suspicious. He’s 110% seeing someone else. I mean at least one other person. How do I know? Because this is new, weird behavior for him, and the explanations don’t add up.

    He may or may not be intending to move forward with you, get engaged and married, but he definitely has another girlfriend right now. And technically he’s not in the wrong because you two haven’t discussed what you are or if you’re exclusive or not. You need to *have that conversation.* Ask him point blank if he’s seeing other people. If he says he wants to be exclusive, say okay, well then he needs to not be seeing anyone else or doing the hiding of the phone and the social media accounts.

    #850610 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, why did you break up, and has there been any resolution of the problems that led to the breakup? Because if not, you shouldn’t be moving forward.

    #850611 Reply

    Wow, he’s really good at coming up with compelling reasons to keep things very private from you. Why did you break up? I agree you should ask him straight up if he’s seeing someone else. Pump the brakes.

    #850616 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    You’re looking at engagement rings but not “verbally official?” What does that even mean?

    #850618 Reply
    avatarHolly
    Member

    As in the relationship picked up from where it was left, he is acting like there is not a conversation to be had honestly but as i said, our relationship has not been made official verbally, just by actions.

    I agree we need to have the talk – i had assumed we were just on the same page.

    #850621 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Oooo, no, this isn’t good. You definitely can’t just pick back up where you left off and not discuss it. Whatever reasons you broke up are still there. Also, not discussing it gives him a free pass to keep seeing whoever he’s seeing. The whole thing with “looking at rings” while hiding his phone and social media is super weird and manipulative and not okay. This is most definitely not going to work. You asked if you’re “too much,” but how? You haven’t communicated or done anything but let him right back in.

    Again, why did you break up?

    #850624 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Never assume you’re on the same page. Sounds like he wants the comfort of a relationship with you without any commitment holding him back from having exciting adventures with others. Ask yourself if you want him or if you just don’t want to be single. If you want to try with him then you need to have the “what are we, where are we going” talk. I’d bet $1,000 his response somehow makes you feel demanding, unchill, like you ruined a good thing with your silly demands. That’s manipulation. That’s how he’s going to get you to shut up & ignore the cheating red flags. You’d probably be happier if save your time & dump him today. He’s not being honest with you & you don’t trust him

    #850625 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Quit asking if you’re too much. Start asking if he’s enough. You’re allowed to have wants, needs, and expectations in a relationship. That doesn’t make you silly. Verbally state them and move on if they’re not met.

    #850630 Reply
    Kate B.Kate B.
    Guest

    First of all, yay Helen! LW, listen to your gut. Dump this guy. He is 100% hiding something from you and I’ll bet it’s another girlfriend. He is skeevy and shady and you deserve better. If that crap about him being uncomfortable about the attention you may get on social media is even remotely true, that’s a red flag in itself. Google “psychological projection”. Dude is a loser, lose him.

    #850631 Reply
    avatarHolly
    Member

    Sorry i didnt mean to not respond to your question! To be completly honest with you all ladies, i dont know why it ended. It was extremely abrupt from his side, we had had the odd disagreement here and there but it was never over anything serious at all. He dropped the cliche, i love you but i cant give you what you want and deserve right now and blamed it on depression, stress and get this the want to be ‘free’.
    3 months later after grovelling, several flower deliveries, texts and turning up at my house uninvited -this is my situation. Its all extremely confusing. I feel so silly to have taken him back so effin easily especially after not having the conversation about what i deserve and what i want.

    Helen, i think your definitly right. I do have a fear of the thought of starting over new with someone else, ive never really enjoyed the whole getting to know/ dating someone stage. I was so convinced we had a good thing and as i said it was extremely abrupt and the change in his behaviour since being back is not the person i remember at all.

    #850632 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Oh jeez, it sounds like he broke up with you because he met someone new. And I don’t know what happened with that, but he’s apparently still involved with her, or with someone else.

    Stop calling yourself “silly.” Just do the right thing and ask him what’s going on.

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