Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am i too much?

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This topic contains 37 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar peggy 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 38 total)
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  • #850633 Reply
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    HVV
    Member

    This really is what i believe! it sucks!! i thought i was being insecure. Other than the above, i have no other proof, but do i even need more? am i just being naive because i dont want to believe it to be true?

    #850634 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I mean, no, you don’t need more proof, his ridiculous behavior is enough.

    But what you need to DO is ask him what’s going on, where things stand, where he sees it going, what’s changed with his depression, need for freedom, etc. And then ask if you’re exclusive. Is he seeing anyone else. If his answers are all, yes, I want to be with you, no, I’m not seeing anyone else, then you say, well, I feel like you are. He gets all defensive and denies it. Okay, well, you hide your phone and your social media from me, and your explanations don’t make sense. May I see your phone? He’ll be all wound up and crazy and swearing he’s not hiding anything. You stay calm and quiet and say you need to see it for your own peace of mind. Don’t back down, don’t raise your voice, don’t take the bait, just keep repeating that you need him to hand you his phone. He probably won’t, and there’s proof enough. If he does, look at his text history. Look at his insta. Do NOT let him leave, come back, and hand you his phone, he needs to do it right then or not at all.

    Basically you’re going to kick him the fuck out, but have this conversation first. I’m 99% sure he’s going to lie and scream and gaslight you, but maybe he’ll surprise you and be honest.

    #850635 Reply
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    HVV
    Member

    WOW its like you know him. Ok im mentally preparing myself for this because indeed your right he is going to lie, scream and shout and try to make me look crazy. Its a relief to hear that others would feel the same way i do if in the situation. Its such a shit situation but thank you so much Kate

    #850636 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    They all act like that when they’re lying. He’s going to get extremely upset, angry, maybe cry, definitely yell, try to make you feel crazy. The key to this for you is to stay scary calm, quiet, and just keep repeating yourself. “Well, let me see your phone then, I need to see it. Because I think you’re lying to me. Yes, I’m not calling you a liar, but I think you’re lying to me.”

    But start out by just framing it like a relationship check-in, NOT a confrontation.

    #850637 Reply
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    Helen

    His behavior is reason enough to break up with him. You don’t need proof of anything

    #850639 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I agree with Helen like I said above, but if you need it, this is how you get it.

    I mean look, let’s agree that the behavior is enough, right? So you break up with him. He asks why. You explain he’s acting super sketchy and you don’t trust him. Probably the same scenario as above is going to play out, so you might as well calmly say, okay then, let me see your phone. Oh okay, thought so. Please leave now. Get out.

    #850641 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    In future relationships though, you need to not be afraid to ask questions and call guys on their bullshit when needed. You actually cannot have a healthy relationship if you can’t / won’t communicate. If something doesn’t add up, you should never hesitate to ask about it, and you should always establish whether you’re on the same page. Do not let guys get away with behavior like this. It just makes them lose any respect they may have had for you. Which in this guy’s case wasn’t much, but at least he *broke up with you* to pursue this other thing.

    #850643 Reply
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    Jkk183

    He’s a creep. Break if off. Don’t get back together with exes

    #850645 Reply
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    Silvermoonlight

    If I had a dollar for every time a confused, gullible woman posted on DW asking if there was something wrong with the way a shady man was behaving–or if it was all in her head–I’d be Jeff Bezos rich.

    Let’s start with a simple definition.

    gas·light – /ˈɡaslīt/ – manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity

    Now, let’s look at what’s not normal in the things you’ve posted.

    1) Broke up with you for no clear reason, then waltzed back into your life with no clear reason and no resolution talk. Not normal.

    2) Hides his phone from you, insists you not re-follow each other on social media and generally acts like he has something to hide. Not normal.

    3) Gaslights you into thinking it’s your fault when you call him out on said sketchy behavior. Not normal.

    4) You taking him back without the self-respect to confront him on any past or current issues, even so far as giving him your keys and letting him co-habitate with you when you aren’t even officially exclusive yet. Not normal.

    5) Him breadcrumb-ing you with photos of engagement rings (look up the term) so he can have his cake (you) and eat it too (other women on the side). Not normal.

    Take back your keys, kick him out of your house, confront him about his shadiness (which will 99% likely play out how Kate described), and lose this dead weight. Then go to therapy to figure out you let this guy play you and take advantage of you. So many women have been through what you’re going through, it’s practically an epidemic, and most of the time, it’s just a hard lesson you have to learn in not dating assholes who emotionally manipulate you. Go to therapy, get stronger, do better next time.

    #850650 Reply
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    FYI

    So, he came back and you didn’t ask any questions at all? It’s okay to have needs of your own, you know. It’s okay to want to know what the eff is going on in your own life. Don’t just hand your keys to someone and let them make themselves at home in your space, just because they act like they like you — sometimes.

    Get annoyed even. Did you know you’re allowed to do that? “What the f0ck with the social media blocking, dude? That’s BS, and I don’t trust you.”

    He still has someone on the side, btw. Get your keys back.

    #850653 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    I don’t necessarily think he’s cheating. It’s very probable he had dates/intimacy with more than one person while you were broken up (also likely he was playing around on apps prior to breaking up with you to see if he could hook anyone) and those apps are still on his phone and he’s getting dinged with messages he doesn’t want you to see.

    Have a conversation with him. Ask him to further explain why he broke up and why he thinks he’s in a place now to continue the relationship? Tell him that to be back with you, you want to be sure he’s committed and has deleted any and all dating apps etc from his phone. If he hasn’t (which i don’t think he has even if he’s not actively looking right now that he’s back with you) then that’s a sign he’s not 100% invested in you and making your relationship work. You deserve 100%

    I’m sorry he wooed his way back into your life and your home. Trust your gut.

    #850658 Reply
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    Helen

    This could be a very valuable life lesson on how guilty people act when confronted. You said it was like Kate knew him, she does because liars all act the same. They get loud, defensive, emotional, & they accuse you. Stay super calm and don’t let him bait you

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