Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am i too much?

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  • #850659 Reply

    He will get loud, defensive and emotional to try to appear innocent and to turn the entire question about honesty back onto you being insecure. It’s a way to pivot the focus from him being shady to making you feel like there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s a way to pivot away from your question so that he never answers it. Don’t let him pivot and not answer.

    Why would he come back? What is he getting out of it. A place to stay and sex. Where would he be living if he wasn’t with you? Is he paying his share of utilities and if you are renting is he paying his share of rent? Is he getting a free ride?

    It seems like you are being used. If he dumped you so easily for someone else he will probably do the same in the future. He is staying with you while searching for the next woman. Looking at engagement rings is an easy way to make it sounds like he is more involved with you than he is. It helps him skip the are we exclusive talk and he’s using it to cover over the fact he’s being shady. “I wouldn’t look at engagement rings if I wasn’t serious.” He shouldn’t be looking at engagement rings unless the two of you are seriously talking about getting engaged. The guy who seriously wants to get engaged would be seriously talking about it. At this point he should be proving himself to you, not talking about engagement. Whatever you do, don’t get engaged. Make him prove himself for several years before you have that talk.

    He should be able to tell you why he broke up and why he is now able to be in a relationship. If he was too depressed to be in a relationship before why should you believe he is now healthy enough for a relationship and why should you believe this won’t happen again. Even if his reason was real it should be a red flag about his ability to be in a long term relationship. Don’t accept someone who breaks up easily.

    It’s time for you to be extra picky. You are the only person who will provide the quality control in your life.

    #850660 Reply

    Another thing they do is change their story as you continue to confront them. This guy I was in a LDR with, I visited him once and there was a pair of earrings on his nightstand. I asked about them and he first “had no idea,” then they were his sister’s, she visited him, and when I kept questioning like, okay, why was she sleeping in bed with you when you have a guest room, etc, whatever else didn’t make sense, then he said they belonged to “Natalie,” and when I was like, oh, who the hell is Natalie, he said she was someone he met at the club and had a one-nighter with. That was as far as I got, but I’m pretty sure he actually had a girlfriend.

    Anyway, he may start out with something totally innocent, but keep admitting more as you question him and point out things that don’t make sense.

    Or honestly you can just ask to see his phone once and then kick him out when he says no. You don’t have to go through the Spanish Inquisition if you’re not up to it. I’m really good at shit like that, but it’s not everyone’s skill set.

    #850664 Reply

    One thing to watch for in your conversation. Liars often use the word never as a substitute for the word no. Never is not a suitable substitute for no.

    If you ask if he is seeing anyone else and he says I would never do that he almost certainly is. He would actually not be answering the question you asked. The question you asked needs a yes or a no. I would never is answering the hypothetical future question of would you ever do this to me. You aren’t asking a hypothetical question about the future. You are asking about what he has done and what he is doing, not what he might do in the future.

    Be sure you don’t ask a would you ever question. Never is an appropriate answer for a question that uses the would ever.

    Liars twist things.

    You: Are you seeing anyone else right now?
    Him: I would never do that.
    You: I didn’t ask if you would ever do that. I want to know if you are seeing anyone else now.

    You: Are you using dating apps.
    Him: I would never use a dating app while seeing you.
    You: I didn’t ask if you would use a dating app. I want to know if you have dating apps on your phone right now.

    #850666 Reply

    Honestly, I wouldn’t go through much interrogation of him. What a waste of energy. You’re not the boyfriend police. He’s acting shady as f0ck, and that’s all you really need to know. Your gut knows the deal — always. Too much interrogating will make you confused. That’s all you need to know and say to yourself and maybe him:
    You’re acting shady, and I don’t like it.
    You’re acting shady, and I don’t need to tolerate it.
    You’re acting shady, and I need my keys back.
    You’re acting shady, and I don’t want to wait around to see why.
    You’re acting shady, end of story.

    #850667 Reply

    It seems like he broke up with you to fuck around and now you’ve taken him back with no questions, and you’re letting him live with you basically without any assurances or answers or even social media? He’s not trying that hard. I hope you’re using protection.

    You know why he’s doing this? Because you’ve let him. You ask nothing of him. He doesn’t have to account for what he did, or what was going on and it just took a couple flower deliveries. You’re asking if you’re too much or being paranoid and that is 100% CRAZY to me. I don’t know if you’re truly this passive, a people pleaser or if he’s manipulated you into this.

    I don’t even know if the conversation is worth it, but it might be nice to see him sweat. I’d invite someone to come over or wait outside when you ask for the keys back. He’s sounds like a real asshole if you already know he’s going to get defensive and scream about it.

    And please remain single for awhile and learn to ask for more!

    #850669 Reply

    I mean, again, just the way he’s acting is more than enough reason to dump him. The only reason I’d ask to see his phone (and it’s your decision) is so you won’t second guess yourself afterwards and think omg what if he did nothing wrong? Because he is likely to try to make you think you’re crazy. He might even wipe his phone and then let you see it the next day. Just so you KNOW you’re not nuts, it could be helpful to see what he does. In the highly unlikely event (I’d say impossible) that he hands it over and there’s nothing objectionable, you can decide how to proceed, but you’ll know what’s up.

    #850672 Reply

    She certainly doesn’t have to have this conversation. She can break up just because she wants to break up. The hints are if she does want to have the conversation. This is for her if she decides she wants or needs it.

    Sometimes it is useful to learn how to have the hard conversations and to recognize when deceit is being used.

    #850673 Reply

    Yeah, you learn stuff in any given relationship that could be valuable for the next one. Choosing to have an unpleasant conversation isn’t always a waste of time.

    #850675 Reply

    She does seem like she’d second guess it later if she doesn’t confront him like that, though. That is a good reason to ask to see his phone. It would be a easy segue into getting her keys back.

    #850698 Reply

    Hi everyone – thank you for your comments. Update:
    After getting home from work last night he turned up at around 6pm (usual for him) and insisted on making dinner. Our phones were both on the counter and i noticed he was getting frequent notifications so calmy (as suggested) i asked why he was so fricken popular tonight, he made a face and asked me to ‘please do not start this right now’, Keeping the calm facade i told him im not starting anything but just for peace of mind id like to see his phone. He laughed at first until he realised i was serious which then his reaction was that i was being extremely childish and unreasonable. I told him this wasnt a spur of the moment thing, it was a build up due to his repeated shady behaviour and if i didnt have a reason, i would not be asking. Eventually he hands the phone across the counter but is pretty much spewing at the mouth that i am invading his privacy. Pictures – nothing. Texts – with noone i didnt recognise. Call logs – again no new/ or unsaved numbers. Instagram – he has been racking in alot of attention from alot of people. Girls commenting on his posts in a very flirty manner. I asked him who they were and he claimed they were ‘friends’ of his, these are people i have NEVER heard him mention in the 4 years we were together so why would they be relevant now? he didnt have a response to this.
    His DM’s were insane, a string of messages from different girls, some he had responded too, some he handnt (unless he had pre deleted his responses) without saying a word to him he began explaining that he has been feeling very lonely and that he enjoys the constant attention both ‘friendly’ and also that they wanted to flirt with him and initiate sexual conversations. He pleaded that was all it was and there was nothing serious behind it, at this point he had the nerve to start refering to me as his girlfriend and ‘future wife’ and that i should know i have nothing to worry about. HA. I asked him if they knew he was sat next to me / laying next to me in bed even when he was probably recieving and responding to these messages and his response which i guess concreted everything was ‘why would they need to know about you?’
    I wanted to, believe me i wanted to scream at him but its pointless, i literally felt drained from the whole experience. He is extremely smart so the fact i didnt find anything more than the flirty DMs doesnt mean he probably didnt delete what he thought was worse in anticipation of me asking.
    As he was packing up his items he proceeded to keep on and on, he ‘fucked up’ when ending it with me but he just paniced in the moment of us clashing and was not thinking straight, telling me i was not the problem and ive dont nothing wrong. He then tried to guilt trip me with explaining he has always confused meaningless attention for genuine love and this is due to his childhood (which was not great, he grew up in care)- after this he got very angry and told me that i have ruined a good thing, that i should have known how important i was without him having to ‘constantly reasure me’ and that i will very much regret losing the love that he has for me and that i have broken his heart and that he is extremely dissapointed ive handled the situation like this.
    So thats that. Im exhausted.

    #850705 Reply

    Wow, ok. A lot of that is what I expected, but I did think he had some kind of relationship(s) going on, but it sounds like you didn’t find evidence of that. I figured the Insta would be an issue, since he was projecting all that social media “attention” bullshit on you. It makes sense that, in fact, that’s what was going on with him instead.

    In any case, clearly his actions don’t add up with his words (engagement, future wife, etc), and he’s not able or willing to just focus on you. He probably likes the security of your relationship while also being able to enjoy all this flirtation and validation online. And you can’t trust him.

    #850710 Reply

    Good for you! Glad you followed through with it! We all called how he would react. Removing bad shit from your life makes room for good shit

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