- This topic has 4 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 2 weeks, 1 day ago by ron.
ANovember 16, 2023 at 8:36 am #1126662
My boyfriend is not that outgoing so he has a few friends. He became friends with a course mate (F) of ours and a little while later, they found out (through a mutual friend) they were attracted to each other at some point (Note, we were kind of together at this point). They talk all the time, I mean everyday. Even when we’re not speaking, he’s definitely talking to her. I found out that the girl still has feelings for him and said she wishes he was with her instead. I told him about it but says I don’t need to worry as he doesn’t feel that way about her and that she’s also involved with other guys. I’m not worried but I don’t like the whole thing. Why are you talking to her like every hour of the day? Why are you telling her about our issues or whatever is going on between us? Am I doing too much??KateNovember 16, 2023 at 7:31 pm #1126663
What do you mean, “even when we’re not speaking?” I’m trying to get a sense of, is this like an on/off HS relationship, or are you adults who really fight and don’t speak to each other?
If you were in a serious adult relationship and all of a sudden your boyfriend starts spending a lot of time with a woman who you know he’s attracted to, and is talking to her for hours a day, like, yeah, that’s not great and definitely warrants a state-of-the-relationship conversation to figure out if you’re both really happy. Especially if you’re fighting a lot and giving each other the silent treatment, like it would seem that your relationship is on its way out.
If you’re in high school, I would say, look, you’re both young, you’re very new to relationships and both trying to figure out what works for you. High school relationships usually do not last. And it’s tough to have a healthy and lasting relationship if you both lack communication skills and a deep enough connection where you regularly don’t speak to each other. It’s just not that serious. And it sounds like he’s become kind of infatuated with someone else and it’s bothering you. If you tell him how it makes you feel, and what you want and don’t want, and nothing changes, I would say move on.LisforLeslieNovember 17, 2023 at 7:22 am #1126666
Is he talking about private matters with her? Your private matters? That’s not cool and I think young people today often overcommunicate. If you haven’t established that boundary with him – do so now. And if he continues to cross that boundary, then that might be a deal breaker for you – and that’s ok.
And sometimes people only want what they can’t have because they are immature or need to feel validated. I dated a guy that had a crush on someone else. She had slept with all of his friends but not him. As soon as we became serious, she moved in. And I moved on. I don’t need that shit.
So I find this a little confusing and it sounds like you’re in a very gossipy environment if you’re hearing from others what this woman is saying about your boyfriend. I’m assuming you’re in HS, but then again, my grad school experience may as well have been HS in terms of gossip. I’m also curious how you know what they talk about. Like, is he open about it with you, are these more things you’re hearing through the rumor mill, are you going through his phone?
Anyway, at any age, I’d not love a boyfriend being in what sounds like constant contact (over text/social media is what I’m assuming?) with a woman he used to have a “thing” with/for when we were getting together and for him to be talking about our relationship with her. If that crosses a boundary for you, that’s valid. It sounds like you’ve told him the gossip you’ve heard, but have you expressed your discomfort? If not, you can and should do so. Even how he reacts to you telling him you’re uncomfortable with the behavior will tell you a lot IMO.ronNovember 17, 2023 at 2:30 pm #1126668
“a little while later, they found out (through a mutual friend) they were attracted to each other at some point (Note, we were kind of together at this point). ”
This makes no sense. Who is the ‘they’ to which you refer? Yourself, your bf, your bf and this other woman?
And what does “we were kind of together at this point” mean? It sounds like you weren’t actually together but wanted to be. Unless both you and your bf both agree that you’re together, you aren’t. If you were together and one of you has called for a break (then you either break up or agree rules of the break) or you had a fight and sort-of broke up, you’re not together.
You sound unhappy in this sort of relationship, so I think you should go straight to MOA.