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“Am I Wasting My Time With Him?”

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar london 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #717785 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    From a LW:

    I’m a 32 years old woman who moved to a new city one year ago for work. I met a 36 years old guy on a dating app and we’ve been together for 6 months (exclusively from the beginning). Many things are going well: we went on a 2 week long trip abroad together, met each other’s parents, work colleagues, extended family and friends, see each other several times a week and talk every day. He respects and admires me (and I feel the same for him), we have fun together and I am falling for him.
    The thing is, I don’t have a permanent job and will have to look for something else. We had a conversation about it and I asked him if he might consider moving at some point, to which he said it’d be very difficult. I work in academia, which means that choosing where I live is pretty difficult if I want to stay in my profession (which I do). He then asked me how I felt about us, and we had an honest conversation.
    He likes me, admires and respects me, but I don’t want my boyfriend to feel only that for me, that’s how I would describe a good friend. He said he has this idea of how a relationship should be (with people talking all night long and not wanting to be apart) and he questions whether we are compatible, since we are not like that and we also like different hobbies. The curious thing is that he is not a talkative person at all (not only with me), and he likes his space as well. I think his image of an ideal relationship isn’t even compatible with his own personality, and is not really realistic. I don’t associate seeing a future with someone with not having silences when we are together.
    He was being honest and wasn’t an idiot about it, but I don’t feel good. He said he has always questioned relationships in the past. I think he has never had a “real” long term relationship to even know what real life is opposed to a “movie” (his longest relationships were 6 months or less, and he was never even close to moving in with someone). I do know for sure he wants to get married and have kids (he even gets a bit sad and anxious when he sees all his friends with their babies and worries if he’ll be able to have that).
    I just want him to be falling in love with me, and not have such frequent doubts whether he wants to be with me, even if he’s not sure he wants us to be together forever (I’m also not sure of that yet). This constant feeling that he’s not sure makes me feel down and wonder what I am doing with him.
    What should I do? Does it make sense to continue and see if things become clearer for him? Am I wasting my time? Is he just not that into me, or is he just confused and inexperienced about relationships?

    #717792 Reply
    Leslie Joan

    Oh, you must be dating “Am I confused”!He either has anxieties, or something that actively prevents him from achieving his alleged goals. He isn’t living in the same reality you are. The notion that you should stay awake talking all night long is absurd. It may be fine in the beginning, when you’re getting to know each other, but it’s absurdly unsustainable for the long term. And to be together all the time? He didn’t even WANT that, but he sets it as a benchmark for a great relationship? It’s infantile. Don’t expect him to move – he’s on the verge of finding a reason to break up with you anyway; you’re right on schedule. You are wasting your time.

    #717799 Reply

    Yes. You’re wasting your time. MOA!

    #717801 Reply

    This guy wants to find someone who he wants to spend all of his time with but he likes to spend time by himself? Yeah – he is living in a fantasy world. At 36 he should know that movies and comic books don’t reflect real life.

    I agree with @LeslieJoan – this guy has a time limit for every relationship. He goes hot and heavy, immediate exclusivity, introducing to friends and family and then as the oxytocin starts wearing off, he finds the faults: I don’t have butterflies, we don’t talk all night, we like different things.

    Good luck finding a new job. You can look anywhere you want because you do not need to take any of his needs into consideration. It is time to MOA.

    #717803 Reply

    I agree. He’s flat-out telling you he’s not in love and he thinks a long term romantic relationship should be different than what you have. It’s not your job to educate him on the realities of intimacy or make him realize that what he wants is wildly misaligned with who he is. Consider yourself free to search for work wherever you fancy; factoring this guy into your decision is a dead end. It’s time to MOA.

    #717808 Reply
    Leslie Joan

    One thing to look for in any relationship is whether their words match their actions. In this case, you say “you know for sure that he wants to get married and have kids,” and he even gets sad when he sees his friends having that. In fact, you DON’T actually know for sure what he wants. You only know what he SAYS he wants. If I say I want to be a doctor, and look sad every time I see a doctor, but I spend all my time playing video games and hanging out in bars, you might conclude that I was bullshitting myself, or had some other barrier in the way of becoming a doctor. You need to be questioning in your own mind the narrative that dates give you; observe everything. His expectations are absurd, which is why he will never have what he claims to want. And even if he does tell he’s in love with you, it won’t last for long. You can’t educate him – he’s got some serious issues that defy logic. Lucky for him, though, he’ll always find a new person to date, and a group of people telling him there, there, you just haven’t met the right woman yet. Hah. No such woman exists.

    #717811 Reply


    He doesn’t want anything serious or long term with anyone.

    #717816 Reply

    Sounds like an unhappy introvert who thinks finding the right woman is the magical way to turn himself into the man he wants to be. Yes, you are wasting your time.

    #717823 Reply

    I don’t know, I’m a lot like the guy she describes. Total introvert, but when I find a guy I click with, it does turn into those marathon talk sessions, always wanting to be together, etc. It does wear off, but it sounds like these two never even had it in the beginning. For me, that builds the base for the whole relationship, and then after that intense “crucible” at the beginning, I can go back to being my introverted self, but with that closeness and understanding that we built at the beginning. All my relationships that lasted longer than a few months have been like that, including with my husband (it’s been 11 years for us).

    It read to me like he’s telling her the honest truth, and they didn’t have that spark (for him) from the very beginning. This sounds just like something I would have said to the few guys I dated who I didn’t have this kind of connection with in the beginning.

    Regardless of whether he’s telling the truth, or knows nothing about what he likes in relationships at age 36, it doesn’t matter. He’s lukewarm about this relationship. He’s not going to move with her. He’s probably not going to want to do long-distance with her. This is a “nice for now” relationship and that’s it.

    #717828 Reply

    Agree with him being pretty upfront about simply not being in love with you. Also, being willing to move can be a huge thing in a relationship. I recently had to end one because the man moved to a place I simply will not move ever (he cannot leave now that his child is there with him). He tried and tried to convince me but I simply am not living in this area for many reasons: crime, weather, lifestyle, closest Nordstrom 2 hours away (WHAT!!!)

    It sounds similar that it just wont work. Also he likely would/will hold back if he knows you are going to leave at some point. That is not an unreasonable response.

    #717840 Reply
    Leslie Joan

    But he’s NEVER had a relationship that lasted for longer than about 6 months, even with people who aren’t needing to move to find a suitable job. And even if he’s an introvert that can stay up half the night talking, it sure sounds as though he expects that to be a constant feature, in that new-relationship “high.” At some point it becomes clear that the common denominator is him, when the same pattern plays out over and over again.

    #717842 Reply
    Northern Star

    You both like, respect, and admire each other. But YOU don’t think that’s enough, and surprise: Neither does he!

    I think you are wasting your time. I doubt you will move forward because neither of you are feeling very sure of this relationship.

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