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Dear Wendy

Am I wrong being angry at my friend for giving back puppy I gave her?

Home Forums Advice & Chat Am I wrong being angry at my friend for giving back puppy I gave her?

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  • #1113024 Reply
    Blueberry
    Guest

    Hi, this is my first post here, sorry for making it so long. I need some advice and I will appreciate every comment.
    Two months ago me and my bf decided to move in together and that we want to have a dog. I told my friend about it and she said she also wanted a dog. My bf’s grandfather had two puppies to give away, so we decided to get one of them. My friend got excited and said that she would take the other one.
    When it was time to get them, she was on holiday and grandfather couldn’t keep them any longer. I offered help and told her we could keep the dog until she comes back – she was glad. I told her to take it asap because we want to move in to a new place and it’s hard with two dogs, she agreed. She also agreed to give me back the money I spent for the vaccination.

    Taking care of two dogs was tiring and she didn’t seem interested but it was ok. When she came back, she already knew we became fond of this dog. She was very excited at first, she said the dog was so cute and that she’d take care of him. Her son was also happy.

    We gave her the dog on friday evening. Next day, on saturday morning – the day we were about to move in, she texted me that she ‘doesn’t enjoy being around the dog”, that she’s “not made for it” and that her son “isn’t interested at all”. I was so dissapointed I couldn’t hide it and my BF saw that. He got mad, he said she’s irresponsible and he can take the dog back if she doesn’t want it, he was worried if the dog is taken good care of. I felt so ashamed. I texted her asking if she wants to give it back. She called me but I didn’t answer cause I was angry and wanted to cool down. She texted she can take care of it until I move in – it sounded like she was doing us a favor keeping the dog for the rest of the weekend. I told her that we can take it today. Then she texted me that I’m going to hate her for that. I didn’t reply, I needed time to think. We found a new happy home for the puppy.

    I was hoping she would contact me later but she didn’t so in 12 days I texted her asking about her silence. I told her that I trusted her when I took dog for her, that I put effort in it and I felt like she didn’t want to put any effort, I took the whole responsibility and that’s what makes me angry. She texted back saying it’s me who’s silent and that I was being passive agressive, that I didn’t answer the phone so she assumed that I don’t want to be in touch anymore. She also said that I don’t have children so I treat dog like a child and it’s our problem that we don’t understand she doesn’t like dogs the way we do. I said I feel attacked but I don’t want to attack her. She asked what I expected after not talking to her for so long, she stated it’s not her responsibility that we took that dog back because she didn’t ask for it, she also blamed my BF for getting involved. She said she’s pissed but she has different problems now. She never gave the money back.

    Am I wrong being mad at her and feeling manipulated? I want to still be friends but I feel it’s top hard right now.

    I’m not exactly mad at her for not wanting the puppy but for the whole context. I needed her to do something more than just saying she feels bad. Offer help or anything. Apologize at least. Or understand my anger. But she just made one phone call that I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to sound angry. After this one phone call I still helped her by taking the dog from her. All responsibilities and costs laid on me because she made a decision and she didn’t even put effort to make it work. Was I wrong to expect her to call me once again when I was calmer and offer anything? Or at least ask about the dog? When I reached out to her she attacked me and claimed she doesn’t owe me anything because she didn’t ask for my help – I offered to take the dog back myself. She’s not a dog person and it would be hard for her to rehome it herself but for me it was the same because this was my first dog ever. I guess I shouldn’t be doing her a favor that cost me so much effort but I wanted to do it for her and I felt like she didn’t do anything in return. Am I wrong feeling manipulated and being mad that she didn’t take any responsibility?

    I will be grateful for every comment.

    #1113025 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    I think it’s fine to want her to take more responsibility and apologise for what she did but it’s an exercise in futility as she’s never going to do it. She sounds flaky and irresponsible to the core and I’m sure this isn’t the only time she’s been that way. I’d be furious at her too but it’s not going to solve anything for you, just continue keeping you mad. The best gift you can give yourself is moving on, enjoying your puppy and being glad the other one got a much better home that it was likely to have with her.

    (speaking of irresponsible I hope the supply of puppies is not an ongoing thing either)

    #1113026 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Yes to what @ange wrote.

    Why are you adopting out pups for your bf’s gramps, though? Don’t take on responsibilities you don’t really want.

    #1113027 Reply
    Blueberry
    Guest

    Thank you for your comments, it’s very helpful. I was confused and wondered if I was wrong with my reaction to her since she’s so angry with me right now.

    I’m not adopting pups for anyone, I just wanted to help my friend with this one for two weeks. The other puppy is with me and it’s been great so far 🙂

    #1113076 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    Well, I think this was a very large favor that you did for someone I’d wager has a history of being irresponsible and flaky. I know you don’t say so outright, but as I read this it felt like how you feel is about more than just the dog. I may be wrong, but assuming that is true, I don’t understand why you did this favor for her. It was a big one and it involves the wellbeing of a living creature.

    I don’t think you’re wrong for how you feel. I’d also want an apology and my money back. But I do think that ignoring her texts and calls is a bad way to communicate to her how you feel. You expected her to call once you’d calmed down, but how would she know that you’re not answering because you don’t want to do so in anger unless you say something? And how do you expect her to know when you’ve sufficiently calmed down?

    ETA: I’d move on from this friendship. She sounds like a lousy friend.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Avatar photoCopa.
    #1115614 Reply
    Blueberry
    Guest

    Thank you for this comment.
    I guess I never wanted to see her as irresponsible, she did let me down before but it was a minor thing. You’re right that I shouldn’t be doing such a favor for her, I don’t know why it wasn’t obvious for me at the time.
    I feel guilty about not telling her that I need time to think when I didn’t answer the phone, I didn’t mean to be passive agressive – but it was just one call, we still texted then she gave the dog back and she never said she was sorry. I guess I was waiting for apologies. I never told her I was angry with her before and for some reason it was hard for me to do so.

    #1115622 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I don’t think you should do a favor of adopting or “holding” adoptable animals for people. That’s why there’s hoops to jump through to adopt a dog. She showed lukewarm interest at best. She never went to see the puppies or anything, right? Didn’t give you money upfront or anything. You probably were the one on the ball about the dog from the beginning and that was your red flag.

    Not trying to tell you what you did wrong, to point it out to make you feel bad, but just to say try to pay more attention to what someone is giving back to you before you make big commitments or make sacrifices for others. I know this was a big learning experience. Don’t beat yourself up. Live and learn.

    #1115800 Reply
    Blueberry
    Guest

    Thank you Anonymousse. She was very excited at first but lost her interest when I already had the dog. I know I made a huge mistake by assuming she’s into it. I’m not that angry about her not wanting the dog but more about her not putting any effort in making things work between us. I know I can’t make her more commited to anything. I just feel really bad about ending this friendship over this situation and at the same time I feel I can’t just tell her everything is fine without seeing any effort on her side.

    #1115803 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    No, I agree with you there. I’m in the same place, friend wise. I cannot rollover and accept the treatment, and since they do not seem moved to apologize in anyway…here we are, now. Decidedly NOT friends.

    In my case, I did really try to leave a path forward to mend the friendship but some people just really like the sudden thrill of the anger or drama or something. The cannot admit they might be wrong or even see it that way, while you and I are probably bending over backwards looking for a million different reasons it is somehow our fault.

    All that to say, I’m sorry if anything I’ve written has felt like criticism, it wasn’t meant that way. I am also processing my lost friendship and learning how to set healthy boundaries so stuff like this doesn’t happen with “friends” again.

    #1115812 Reply
    Blueberry
    Guest

    You didn’t write anything wrong, Anonymousse. Your answers are, in fact, very helpful, thank you for that. I’m sorry you’re also going through friendship breakup. You seem very mature about it.

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