Am I wrong for expecting my partner to pay me

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  • Jenny
    February 2, 2023 at 9:44 am #1118529

    My partner and I have been together for 10 years and when I met him he was making pennies as a mechanic and was in bad debt and his credit was terrible. I helped him pay off his debt and helped raise his credit by disputing multiple things on his credit report and putting him on my credit card as authorized user. I did all the legwork on all of this. Also I co-signed a car loan for him so he could get a good interest rate. (The car was for us and our kids). We bought a really cheap house and lived there for 4 years.

    He got a new job where he makes more than triple what he was making before. I don’t make much money I could barely afford to pay half the expenses of our cheap house. But I did it. We had two kids and I changed my job from an employee at a company to having my own business so I could have a flexible schedule so I could take care of the kids doctors appointments, pick up and drop off, etc. His job does not have a flexible schedule and he works 50+ hours a week so he can’t do any of the kids duties. With my new job I make significantly less than what I was making before but still paid half of the house’s expenses.

    We decided to move to a new house and he wanted a very expensive house since he started making way more money. I said I didn’t feel comfortable getting a more expensive house because I wanted to still be able to pay half the expenses but i knew I wouldn’t be able to afford anything more than what I was currently paying. I didn’t want to hold him back by getting another cheap house when he really wanted an expensive house and he could now afford it. And there were periods where I didn’t pay anything like when I was on maternity leave and a few other couple month periods where I just wasn’t making enough money at my job. When I was on maternity leave he complained that I was putting too much pressure on him to pay all the bills.

    So we sold our cheap house and bought the new expensive house. We spent $25,000 on the down payment of new house and we made $85,000 in profit of old house. I assumed when he got the deposit of the profit of old house that he would transfer me half of it. We have separate accounts. He did not. I mentioned it very casually one day and he said it was safer in his account and I always have access to his account. He wanted it there for “us”. I let it go. Currently I pay around 1/3 of the home expenses. I am really struggling with money. I am constantly overdrawn on my account and just barely get by with what I’m making. He consistently has $80,000 in his bank account when I usually have around $100. He earns more money than his expenses so his bank account usually continues to go up because he doesn’t spend much money. I have a little bit of credit card debt and I mentioned the idea of him co-signing a personal loan for me to pay it off since his income is so high, it would give me a great interest rate. When he doesn’t want to do something he gets quiet and says, “we can look into it” but I know he really means no.

    In the past I asked him to give me “owner access” to our cell phone plan so I could buy a new phone and he pretended like he didn’t know how. Then later when I complained about it he admitted he didn’t want to because he didn’t want me spending too much money and making the bill go up. I feel like since he makes significantly more money than me and I am basically the sole caretaker of our two kids that he should be throwing money at me. I think he should’ve offered to pay off my credit card debt. I also think he should give me a little bit of money regularly so I can get by a little easier than I have been. I think if our roles were reversed I would happily give him the money to pay off his credit cards because it’s pennies compared to what he has in his bank account. I may be the asshole because it’s not his fault that I make significantly less than him and not his fault I have credit card debt. Maybe I should figure out how to get a higher paying job.

    February 2, 2023 at 10:07 am #1118530

    Whoa whoa whoa: “ I assumed when he got the deposit of the profit of old house that he would transfer me half of it. We have separate accounts. He did not.”

    There’s a lot to unpack here but this concerns me the most. Where did the money for the down payment on the original cheap house come from? Who paid the mortgage? It was 50/50, right? IMO, you should split that money by a ratio of who put what into the house. And your portion should get transferred to YOUR account. You need to be firm on that. You two are not married, so it’s really important that money that’s yours be in your account.

    As to the other stuff going on here, it’s not great. You definitely did not need to do all of that co-signing and paying off of his debts, in fact, that was very very risky. You weren’t obligated to do it, and he’s not obligated to do it for you, though it’s worrisome that he’s not thinking of you two as a team with blended finances at this point when you own a home together and have children, and the onus of all the household duties is on you. It looks selfish.

    Someone else may have better advice on what to do, but I’m worried you’ve lost your power in the relationship and it’s not equitable. You’re vulnerable, and you need to do something before you lose your equity in the new house as well.

    Avatar photo
    February 2, 2023 at 10:26 am #1118531

    I don’t think the problem is your job. Plenty of couples exist where one person earns significantly more and live in a way that is equitable, without the higher earning partner assuming this much control over everything. I don’t think you’re the asshole, but I do think it was a mistake to bail him out of his financial mess when you first got together.

    Were both names on the deed of the house you sold? The new house? Legally, I do think that matters.

    Do you want to continue a relationship with someone like this? I know you’re not asking if you should end things, but he doesn’t sound like a great partner and the level of financial control here is bad.

    If this were my relationship, I’d be talking to a lawyer and trying to get out with my share of the money. If you want to stay in the relationship, I’m not really sure what the best option is.

    Avatar photo
    February 2, 2023 at 12:44 pm #1118534

    Oh, no, no, no. This is not right AT ALL. None of it. Your top priority right now, besides the safety and wellbeing of your kids, of course, is protecting yourself and your assets. I would speak to a lawyer and an accountant. Found out exactly what you are legally entitles to and talk with the lawyer about the steps you need to take now to be in the best financial position possible should you decide to leave him.

    You’re in a super vulnerable position right now and a partner who wants to, could really exploit your vulnerability and fuck you over. I worry that your parter could be like that, so I really hope you get all your legal and financial ducks in a row and then when you do, you have that as some leverage should he continue to try to take advantage of you.

    Beyond the legal and financial stuff, you have to figure out the emotional. You’ve been with this guy a long time. Do you love him? Do you like him? Is the relationship mutually satisfying? If not, why do you stay with him? Your whole message is all about the money but it’s also not about the money at all. it’s about what’s going on between the two of you and if what’s going on isn’t great and hasn’t been great for a long time, you should leave. This guy just sounds like not the best dude and so if you don’t really really love him and have a satisfying, enjoyable, meaningful relationship, what’s the point in being with him? For financial security? You don’t even have that.

    So, talk to a lawyer and maybe an accountant, get all your shit in order, have a little financial nest egg and a plan, and do what you need to do.

    February 2, 2023 at 1:09 pm #1118535

    Great and smart advice so far, Jenny. This relationship sounds like it is “all about him” and not just in the money area. You over give, and he does not give enough or reciprocate in kind. You should be a team and that is not what this is.

    Avatar photo
    February 2, 2023 at 3:08 pm #1118537

    I would be insisting on getting my money from the sale of your house. As in, demanding it, bringing it up every day, not talking about anything else without changing the topic to when will I have my money, not having sex with him or agreeing to do anything with him other than accompanying him to the bank. This man has outright stolen from you and isn’t even hiding it well. Get a lawyer get a lawyer get a lawyer.

    February 2, 2023 at 11:17 pm #1118540

    I agree with Wendy. Get a lawyer and an accountant asap. This is not okay. He’s stealing your money and not letting you on the cell,plan because he’s probably doing something shady. Because if he trusted you and you trusted him you’d have nothing to hide, you’d be on the same page and equal partners. Your post tells me you’re not at all getting your equal share in anyway. This is a big wake up call that he took…is your share half, $42,500? from you!! Why do you let him walk all over you and take, take, take?? He’s not nice, generous or a good partner to you.

    Why have you been with someone for ten years who treats you this way? Lawyer, accountant, breakup and leave. You’re not paying your fair share, you’re paying more than that. It’s not fair at all.

    Also I bet he’s being shady on his phone and blames it on not being able to trust you with money. I hope I am wrong.

    February 2, 2023 at 11:19 pm #1118541

    This is not how a person treats the person they love. He’s controlling your money and treating you like an untrustworthy child and alarm bells are ringing.

    February 3, 2023 at 7:48 am #1118543

    This is a pretty messed up situation. May first impression is that he’s maintaining control of the money because he wants to maintain control over YOU.

    Most of what I’m going to suggest is not actionably now, but things to do in the future.
    1. A home purchase must be something both parties are on board with. If you don’t want a house that you can’t cover half the costs, then you don’t get a house where you can’t cover half the costs. If he won’t agree to a cheaper one, you don’t buy a house.

    2. Anything involving money must be talked about explicitly. Don’t make assumptions. You mention that if the roles were reversed you would pay him. That doesn’t make much of a difference. If you supported him with the expectation that he would support you if the financial situation was reversed, this needed to be stated clearly up front.

    3. Do not accept his bullshit argument that the money is “safer” with him. It’s your money. Do not drop this.

    Another Jen
    February 3, 2023 at 10:35 am #1118552

    Controlling someone’s access to money — especially THEIR OWN money — is financial abuse.

    He’s taken from you without reservation, he pressed you into a more expensive mortgage than you could afford, you’ve limited your income to better support your children, he’s withholding your half of the profits from your home sale, he won’t let you get a better phone, and he’s leaving you hamstrung with $100 in the bank and mounting credit card debt.

    This isn’t fixable. Get a lawyer. Protect yourself.


    February 3, 2023 at 10:46 am #1118553

    Everything that everyone says above.

    Financial abuse is coercive control. My ex-husband had complete control over our finances – which gave him a lot of control over my life. Please, don’t make the same mistakes I made – get this sorted before it’s too late. It sounds like your partner thinks his behaviour is innocuous and somehow helpful but it really isn’t – he has effectively stolen from you.

    February 3, 2023 at 11:16 am #1118554

    You might want to go ahead and take the money out of his account, assuming you do have access to it. But talk to somebody first. Know your rights. Make sure he can’t then access your account and take it back. That is a major move, though, a break glass in case of emergency. As an authorized user you can do that though.

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Am I wrong for expecting my partner to pay me

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