- This topic has 18 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Ange.
AnonymousseFebruary 3, 2023 at 12:38 pm #1118564
Is he violent? Are you afraid of him as well as financially and essentially otherwise controlled by him? You can call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for help with domestic abuse, which I believe this is? He has sole control over the money, IE all the resources. Why?
I ask because this riles me up and I’m worried about you. Good luck. Text that number if you have a phone that he doesn’t completely control.sheshaFebruary 3, 2023 at 12:44 pm #1118565
No, you are not wrong at all. When someone raises two of your kids, usually there is a natural desire to want to support them. “Splitting equally” is a foolish way to approach a situation where one person is taking on a role that benefits the whole family unit.
I would be enraged personally and I feel enraged for you.
Not only that but, it sounds like you supported him in his up-and-coming rags days, and when he got something for himself in his “riches days”, he didn’t share it at all.
That is also really 100 percent not okay.
Partners share money because they have a common goal-to love one another and support each other in raising their children. For this reason, money-sharing between partners is not as awkward as sharing between friends, strangers, or relatives. I’m hearing a sunk-cost dilemma on his part-
You were willing to risk your financial well-being for him when he needed it. In a sense, you invested in him and the relationship. It was an investment that worked out for him because he became more successful. It did not, however, work out for you because he did not see you as a “wise investment” it seems. He may feel that if he gives you money, he is “losing it”. When people feel that giving money to something is “losing it” rather than gaining it, they have a lack of faith for some reason in that situation or person. Also, I hate when the masculine person in the relationship pulls the “it’s safer with me” card. It wasn’t safer with him when you had to pay off all his debts, so why is it safer with him now?
I would as others have said be extremely persistent with the downpayment he has stowed away. I would talk about it every day until his ears ring with the sound of your voice and issue about why he feels you don’t deserve to be supported as the mother of his children is handled.
It’s giving “selfish” right now.AnonymousseFebruary 3, 2023 at 12:49 pm #1118566
I had complications when I was pregnant and it just coincided with a family moved to another state, so I just left my job. Had babies. Raised babies. Homeschool/preschooler it. Nannied. Then the pandemic hit the same week I quit nannying to focus on my kids more.
I essentially took 7-8 years off. I mean, sometimes I was making a little money and I was full time 24/7 mom with a lot of help from my husband but the primary person here at all times. Did he hide the credit cards? No, he added me to all his accounts and got me my own cards linked to them. That’s what a partnership is.
Now I’m working FT out of the house again and we share everything. We are brutally honest with eachother but we love eachother, so there’s not meanness there.
This guys is a toad who sponged off you and now is absolutely lording it over you that he’s wrangled control from you.AnonymousseFebruary 3, 2023 at 12:50 pm #1118567
We weren’t even married then but we are now.
@H I don’t believe he believes his behavior is innocuous or helpful. I think he full well knows what he’s doing and enjoys the amount of control he has.
LW – Should you choose to stay together and somehow work through this, you can enter a “no nup” agreement. You don’t mention why you have not married after 10 years together and having kids. I know it’s not for everyone, but marriage offers legal protections in a situation like this (with kids + assets together) that you won’t get otherwise in many if not most states.
ETA: My dad was very financially controlling in my parents’ marriage. I’m sure I don’t even know the half of it but it was bad. I’m not married, but I do live with my long-term boyfriend. Maybe one day we will get married, who knows, but I will NEVER not have what I refer to as a “fuck you account” of my own money because of what I saw growing up.
AngeMarch 12, 2023 at 4:45 pm #1119125
- This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Copa.
… I don’t think you read beyond the headline.