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Dear Wendy

Am I Wrong for Feeling Like This?

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  • #964555 Reply
    avatarTalia Morris

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months now, but have been talking for a year. I have a best friend who briefly dated her in middle school, and now we are sophomores in college. Maybe I don’t have the full story on their friendship but in my opinion, they haven’t been so close over the last few years up until she and I got involved. Yes, I asked if it was okay and they both agreed that they don’t count it because it was middle school.
    My issue is that I cannot seem to wrap my head around being comfortable with the two of them hanging out if I a not around. I have checked myself and made sure I’m not being insecure (thinking they might fall for eachother/catch feelings again, or flirt behind my back, whatever) or being selfish (wanting my girlfriend and/or best friend to myself), and of course I am going to believe I am not wrong. I ask friends and family if I am in the wrong, and they seem to agree with me. The only people who can’t see where I am coming from is them two… I know their hangouts are harmless, but even I can’t seem to get a grip on liking that situation. Am I the asshole for getting irritated when my feelings aren’t considered about this being an issue? Like I feel like they don’t care what I think since they don’t see it as an issue.

    #964577 Reply

    I won’t say you’re an asshole, but you are unreasonably controlling and jealous, probably because you are insecure. To worry about her having briefly dated this guy in middle school is crazy. They’ve be apart for years and were children when they dated. You may be insecure because your relationship isn’t going great, but this friendship isn’t the problem. She has a male friend, who is also your friend. Big deal. She’s has a right to have male friends. Their past connection is so remote that I have to wonder whether you’d feel this way about any platonic male friend. If you want to persuade her to break up with you, you’re off to a really good start. Asking all your friends, family, and strangers if you are in the right here is very immature.

    #964578 Reply

    If we are dealing with three young women here, it really doesn’t change the answer.

    #964583 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    Stop this right now. You’re being controlling. Your girlfriend doesn’t need your permission to have friends. Either you trust her or you don’t and if you don’t, this past “relationship” isn’t the reason why. Also, being insecure and jealous of a “relationship” that your girlfriend had when she was what – 11? 12? 13? – is ridiculous. Work on your insecurities and controlling tendencies. Otherwise, this won’t remain a problem for you long because your girlfriend will get sick of it and break up with you.

    #964585 Reply

    “I have checked myself and made sure I’m not being insecure … or being selfish.”
    Well, what else could it be? Why else would you object to them hanging out?

    #964586 Reply

    You’re not wrong for feeling this, (because everyone has feelings, even irrational ones) but as a grown human being, you can choose to behave fairly even if you feel a certain way. You’re allowed to feel however you want, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to impose your feelings and restrictions on their friendship.

    Your friends and family who agree with you might not actually. A lot of times, people show empathy by agreeing with you- even if you aren’t behaving maturely.

    If you trust your friend and trust your girlfriend, you would not try to be “right” about this and bring it up at all. You will lose out if you keep bringing this up, or ask them not to see each other anymore. You need to let go of this fear of not being able to control their friendship. If you trust your gf, you trust she won’t cheat no matter who she is spending time with. If you trust your friend, you know they wouldn’t betray you. Sometimes you’ll be let down, and you will lose a friend, or have a breakup but that doesn’t mean your distrust gets to dictate her freedoms in your relationship. That’s when you will veer into being a insecure, jealous, controlling mess. And people will respect you less. Please try to work on changing how you think about this stuff. It takes work and maturity, but a little self control will ease this problem. Good luck.

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