Am I wrong for feeling this way about my husband and thirteen year old daughter?

[Shay]

My daughter is 13 and I’ve been married to my husband since she was three. He has always been there for her as a great stepdad. My daughter’s room is downstairs and even though she is 13 he still goes downstairs every night to sleep next to her after I fall asleep at 3:00am and he comes back up every morning. I know nothing is going on and my daughter is completely comfortable around him, she says nothing but good things. However, she is thirteen and doesn’t need a grown adult sleeping next to her every night.

I told him how I felt and that he doesn’t need to do that anymore but all he says is “you can’t tell me what to do” and disregards how I feel. He always turns it around on me and makes me look like I crazy for thinking this way. She will be fourteen in almost two months how long will he be doing this? I just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing for some reason. She isn’t five anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I just overreacting?

[Peggy]

Hi Shay. I think this is odd behavior. Are you certain it does not make your daughter uncomfortable? Have you talked to her about it? Most girls would be weirded out by this. I had a friend in Jr. High, whose Dad would try stuff like this ( getting into bed with her etc.) and she ( good for her ) would say “If you are getting in here, I am getting out”. Her Dad creeped out her friends too.
When you expressed concern and pointed out you thought this was inappropriate ,he chastised you and acted like you were trying to control him, also another odd response. I think your daughter should lock her bedroom door so he can’t come in. I do not think you are over-reacting. First order of business is to protect your daughter. If he has been “grooming” or accustoming here to this type of behavior, she may not even recognize it as not normal and not right. So first order of business is to protect your daughter from potential or active danger. Perhaps you could talk to a therapist or a counsellor at an abuse centre for info and advice. about it. Sorry,but I think you are right to worry.

[Kate]

I 10000% think it’s inappropriate for a grown man to get in bed every night with a 13–year-old.

Beyond just the optics, which are TERRIBLE, she’s getting to be a woman. She needs her privacy and autonomy. An adult should not be coming in her room every night at 3am to sleep with her.

It gets more serious when he tells you, “you can’t tell me what to do.” Um, yes you can, she’s your child! The defiance and gaslighting here is so fucked up. He’s not willing to listen to you or work with you on this. I’m serious when I say you should kick him out. You cannot have a man around who makes unilateral decisions about YOUR CHILD and shuts you down.

And finally: you actually don’t know for certain that nothing is going on. Please accept that. You don’t.

[Peggy]

Kate’s suggestion of kicking him out is an excellent one.

[Kate]

You need to kick him out. Any normal man without bad intentions would be horrified to think he might be doing something inappropriate regarding a child. This guy isn’t. He tells the child’s mother to mind her own business. To me it’s bordering on negligent if you keep him around.

[anonymousse]

This is absolutely not normal or okay behavior.

You need to keep her safe, above all else.

This is beyond creepy.

[Bittergaymark]

I don’t see how this can NOT be bad. Even if it was innocent — a huge unlikely if by the way… the optics are so awful. I mean he should simply stop. Immediately. And yet? He hasn’t.

You are naive is you truly think that you are 100% certain nothing is going on. Honestly? That statement is profoundly stupid. As stupid as allowing this behavior to go on for years and fucking years. And yes — my profanity has a pointed, harsh double meaning.

Some people should simply NOT be parents. Especially those that willfully stay with rapists and molesters despite psinfully obvious clues and signs.

[FYI]

W
T
F
???????

WT ever-lovin’ F????

WHY has he been doing this all along!? You fall asleep at 3 am, and then he goes downstairs to sleep with your daughter who is already asleep? And always has? WHY? Holy crap, get her to a counselor ASAP. Get her to a counselor, so the counselor can find out what has been going on, because your daughter clearly doesn’t feel comfortable saying anything to you.

You are UNDER-reacting. Big time. Sweet Jesus.

[Kate]

You’re also disturbingly trying to downplay his behavior to us. “Sleeps next to her,” not “gets in bed with her.” “comes back up every morning.” “Daughter says nothing but good things.” “I feel uncomfortable for some reason.”

You feel uncomfortable because this is shockingly inappropriate and wrong, and you’re letting it happen and just kind of wondering when it will stop. It’ll stop when you kick him out!

[Fyodor]

1. Under the most innocent interpretation of his intentions, where he’s simply carrying over a certain kind of fatherly affection with her far too long, this is still grossly inappropriate for an adolescent girl and adult man.

2. I would not bet on the most innocent interpretation of his intentions.

Get her or him out of the house ASAP. She is your child. It’s your job to protect her.

[FYI]

Intensive counseling for the LW wouldn’t be a bad idea either. So she can figure out why she lacks any kind of protective instinct and is so cut off from her own intuition and sense.

[ele4phant]

Um, how do you know there’s nothing going on in there? You’re asleep.

This is super super odd. Even the most loving fathers don’t sneak into their daughter’s bed in 3AM in the morning to sleep next to them.

You are under, not over, reacting.

[Author]

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