Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › Am I wrong for feeling this way about my husband and thirteen year old daughter?
- This topic has 38 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 10 months ago by Andrea Letsen.
Holy moly! What an earth is wrong with you! From the age of 3 till now, you have failed to protect your daughter! I would NEVER allow any man to sleep in the same room as my child. The fact that you allowed it for all these years is shocking. He’s probably groomed her from a young age to think this is normal hence why she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t know any better because her own mother has never said anything about it! You have put your daughter in danger and you continue to do so! Throw that man out, get a retaining order and talk to your daughter and tell her it’s not ok! Find a therapist asap for her and for yourself to find out why an earth you allowed this from the very beginning. This is actually so disturbing, I feel so sick and worried for your daughter.Part-time LurkerGuest
When you confronted him and he told you that “you can’t tell him what to do,” that told you everything you need to know right there. He was asserting ownership over that little girl. He was telling you point blank that your daughter has been his little toy for 10 years and he’s not going to let you change that.
Ownership. Not love.
When he tells you that you’re crazy for thinking that he’s doing something wrong, or that you’re the one who’s sick because only someone sick and twisted would think something like that. He’s manipulating you. He’s turning your fear and desire NOT to believe into a weapon and using it against you.
Your husband is abusing your daughter.
There is NO world in which this behavior is normal or acceptable. NONE.
Please don’t hide from this. Don’t push it under the rug because it’s painful. Don’t convince yourself that we’re all crazy and there’s nothing wrong. Don’t tell yourself that he’s a good man who’d never do something like that and that we just don’t understand. Your daughter needs you to keep her safe.
Every single person who has read your post now has to live with the knowledge that we know that somewhere a 13 year-old girl is going to be molested tonight and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. (There’s nothing like being forced into a little emotional complicity with your morning coffee.) Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you wrote in. I just desperately hope that you’ll hear what we’re saying and put a stop to this. Today.PurpleStarGuest
Wendy, Do you have a way to reach out to this OP and ask if she has made any changes? I realize that the point of anonymous posting is exactly this – but this is so extremely disturbing. Thanks.MarieGuest
Yes to what Purple Star wrote to you. Wendy. Please. As a teacher, I was a mandated reporter in all situations including outside the classroom. Many states have laws that make all adults mandated reporters. And the commentator who wrote about grooming this innocent since she was three, this is too true. Unfortunately her danger increases as she gets older: she both “ages out” of his sick predation and is also more inclined to speak up for herself. Anonymity like neutrality is not a moral stand. And Wendy after reading you for years I know you have a huge moral heart and compass.MarieGuest
I don’t want to kick you when you are down, commentator, but you need to GET STRONG for your daughter TODAY. Actually yesterday. It strikes me that her dangerous situation only struck you when it suddenly threatened you. And if my words make you angry enough to finally ACT FOR your daughter, then good.HazelParticipant
Even the best reading of this (he is just sleeping beside her) is really wrong and damaging. Think if it this way, would you have wanted your father in your bed at that age`? That’d have been weird, right? This is weird. Don’t let him gaslight you on this, you can see we all agree it’s not right.Even if he has (not yet) done something awful, this is weird. You don’t want your kid to grow up with a weird thing haunting her. Cut it off now or she will at best have a weird thing haunting her, and don’t you want better for her than that? Life is hard enough without this ontop is it not?ronGuest
Shay – It seems like you didn’t like the good advice you’ve received and have left the thread, but if you are still here:
It seems you are determined to stay married to this guy, but he isn’t a good stepfather. Sleeping with a stepdaughter from age 3 to almost 14 makes him a terrible stepfather and almost certainly a predator. How can you possibly know that nothing is going on — he waits until you are asleep. A lot of pedophiles date and marry women solely to gain access to their young children. How much sex are you getting from your husband? Does he seem as interested in you as he is in your daughter. You are the mother. You must protect your daughter. Your husband telling you that you can’t tell him to stop sleeping with your daughter is the dead give-away that he is having sex with your daughter and has zero respect for you as a mother and his wife. You wrote in because you know what your husband is doing is very wrong. It’s worse than you think. If you don’t protect your daughter and get her away from this man, she is going to hate you. Is that what you want?anonymousseParticipant
This man has been grooming and most likely abusing your daughter for ten years. You have been incredibly naive, manipulated and allowed this to go on for ten years. In that time, she has learned that she doesn’t control who sleeps in her bed. She has learned grown men prefer to sleep with little girls, instead of their wives. She has learned what he wants is more important than what she NEEDS. I truly question your abilities to recognize abuse. Has she ever said anything? Many victims are dismissed or not believed and they learn that – Mom won’t do anything to help me because she doesn’t care. She won’t listen to me.
I am hoping seeing the responses here, that you have sprung into action to help your daughter heal now.allathianGuest
This needs to stop, now. Even if he isn’t abusing her sexually, she needs her own privacy to do things like explore her sexuality on her own. I masturbated a lot at her age and I’m certainly happy I had a room of my own.
You’re enabling this utterly inappropriate behavior.
If I knew you in person, and knew that this was going on, I’d be calling child protective services. She’d be better off as a ward of the state.
He’s not even her bio dad and in some jurisdictions he’d be allowed to marry her when she’s a legal adult because they aren’t biologically related and there’s no genetic risk.WorriedGuest
Oh my goodness, this is absolutely sickening. To your point that she’s not 5 anymore- I would never let a man, including her biological father, go sleep in her bed with her in the middle of every night. Not that a father and daughter can’t ever share a bed, of course they can, but why the hell would someone go into a little girl’s room in the middle of the night every night? What would make a man prefer the company of a child to that of his own wife in the middle of the night?
I suspect that your daughter is acting normal because this has been going on for a long time. You need to talk to her, and believe whatever she says, and protect her.HazelParticipant
LW would you please give us an update on this situation?FYIGuest
I think this was a fake post? “Shay” also posted about being jealous re: her boyfriend, but I don’t know if that was the same person.