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“Am I Wrong For Wanting Space?”

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  • #899718 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “Okay so where do I start? About 6 years ago my boyfriend and I moved in together. I have a daughter that’s not his and he has two kids from a previous relationship, two different moms. He was renting a room, he didn’t make much money, living by himself in a house with others. I have a little two bedroom apartment. He moved into my apartment and I expected for his kids to come on some weekends. I became pregnant with his child, and we had a baby girl. So we needed to move out and get more space, but couldn’t really afford to that with the costs of a new baby and him losing his job multiple times.

    Well we are so tight in here and now he wants his son to live here. I said he couldn’t live in this little apartment, and his son is just in the living room. I told him I can’t give up my living room too. Bad enough I share a room with my baby. He got so angry at me and called me the devil and said I can’t treat his son like an extra. Whatever that means. Only one of his sons stays with us. I said I needed more space and that his son has to go home with his mom for some time so I can just unwind by myself at night when everyone is asleep. It’s been so long since I could do that. I feel like he’s forcing his son on me regardless of how I feel and I don’t think it’s fair. He thinks I’m such a bad person, and explodes on me.

    Anyway, I finally found a good job where I could go find a place big enough for just me and my two girls. He wants to move out with me but wants a four bedroom for his son. I thought about that, but honestly I make much more money than he does. He’s making around $17 an hour while I’m now finally making more than $80K a year. Because of how I’ve been feeling, depressed, overwhelmed, and getting my feelings hurt I’m starting to just want to move out without him and let him figure out his own way with his son. I feel like it’s more mouths to feed cause he only can give me $800 a month towards bills. The rent alone would be $1900 so I would be stuck for paying for everything else. My job can be stressful I need a glass of wine sometimes and tv show. But I can’t do that right now with the living room being his sons bedroom and me sharing a room with my three year old.

    Am I bad person for wanting my space? For asking him to take his son home to his mom where he has a room. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

    Thank you! “

    #899738 Reply

    No, you’re not a bad person, just a person in the wrong relationship. His hourly wage isn’t all that low, but if he keeps losing jobs and you have to support the combined family mostly on your own, in such a small space for so long, then that wasn’t w workable or equitable situation. It also isn’t fair that he only kicks in $800 a month as his share of expenses, which doesn’t even cover half of the rent, while earning at a rate of almost $3K/mos. You are better living alone with your kids. He sounds like an unpleasant, very demanding, entitled anchor you’ve been dragging around. You are right, he needs to get himself established in a job where he can support his kids.

    #899783 Reply

    Listen to your gut. Find a place for you and your two daughters and let him move in somewhere else. You don’t want your daughters growing up watching their mother get taken advantage of by a man who explodes in anger and calls you a bad person. They’ll take their cues on what a relationship should look like from you. Ditch this jerk and show them a good woman can do it on her own, and that it’s worth the wait for a good man. Talk to a lawyer about custody and child support.

    #899793 Reply

    Get your own place. Don’t worry about him, he’ll impregnate someone else by the end of the year in order to secure a place for him and his other kids. Guys like him should come with a warning tattooed across his forehead

    #899992 Reply

    Thank god you haven’t married this dud. No, you aren’t a bad person but he’s mean and says terrible things to you. He’s a bad person. You’re setting an example for your children, so it’s really in your and their best interest to move out, without him. Good riddance!

    #899996 Reply

    Move out with your girls and don’t take him, or his sons, with you.

    While you’re relaxing at night, think about why you would get pregnant with someone who can’t hold down a job and who explodes at you when you try to communicate.

    #900007 Reply

    Why the FUCK did you make a baby with this guy? NEWSFLASH: clearly neither or your genes are THAT great. The fucking narcissism that leads straight people to pop out kids with every loser they shack up with is so fucking galling. So fucking maddening. So fucking dosturbing.

    Honestly? Your life is a fucking mess and you deserve it as you deliberately made one.

    My patience is at an end.

    I have no advice for you because you are simply beyond help of any advice. More, even if I had any — fuck off. You don’t deserve it.

    #900009 Reply

    PS — Stop whining about sharing your precious bedroom with a brat literally NOBODY wanted you to make but you. Seriously. Piss off.

    #900026 Reply

    I don’t get it. You were an independent woman with one child and a 2-bedroom apartment, and you decided to move a guy with no solid income potential and 2 kids of his own in with you and have a baby with him? Why?? Yes, move out, or kick him out, and go back to being independent. What do you need this guy for?

    #900047 Reply

    BGM the logic whereby every relationship must have its genetic issue perplexes me too. If you already have kids, why not just love those you already have? Nobody’s genes are that great.But you have this kid now. I’d try to find a separate space which suits you and your kid and “live close by and visit often” if the combined life isn’t working for you. Absolutely understand that this must feel crowded but you knew he had kids when you got together. Your child does not cancel out all previous kids. He sounds like not the best fit for you, make your own life and see how he might fit in to that.

    #900053 Reply

    Yes, it’s Also profoundly gross how she very much does treat his child — not as an “extra” — but a burden to be simply displaced by the brat she somehow can’t bear to share a fucking room with.

    People like this make me beyond irate. Pray the LW is also one of those dolts who refuses to don a mask despite having asthma and being tremendously obese.

    My sheer rage at the world today is off the fucking charts.

    #900098 Reply

    I don’t think you are wrong for not wanting to move his kids in, but honestly if thats an idea you are so against I don’t get why you would let him move in. When you are living with someone who has kids you have to know there is always the possibility that those kids will have to move in at some point. I do get where hes coming from when he says you are treating his kid as an “extra”.

    But anyways, I do think you should move out and just try to learn from this experience. If you don’t want to live with someone elses kids don’t date a guy with kids.

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