- This topic has 12 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 2 weeks ago by LisforLeslie.
YaneJuly 22, 2023 at 11:54 am #1123907
My partner(24) and I(25) got a bit into a fight last night.
You see my partner was using my phone when he decided to go through my Snapchat. He came across some messages I had with a guy fiend. I tell you now, there was nothing bad in those messages. Our conversation was about his kid having autism and I told him my kid might have it too but I’m not sure. The other sent messages were regular “how are you” but nothing like a super interesting conversation. My boyfriend got mad. I don’t know why. I was not hiding anything from my boyfriend. In fact, he uses my phone whenever he wants and I have nothing to hide. I even mentioned to the guy about my boyfriend I quote as “ my husband “. So did I do something wrong? Was I wrong because I didn’t hide or delete those meaningless texts? Now I question myself. So I’m wrong for having those texts but I’m also wrong because I should’ve just deleted them so my bf won’t see them. But then consequences would come if I had actually deleted the texts and later in the future he finds them and gets mad for deleting texts?
Now my bf is mad and me and giving me the silent treatment like he always does when he’s mad.
So was I wrong?
I was never being unfaithful in those texts nor was I flirting with that guy. And yes, he can definitely ignore me for a week +
He said to me “put yourself in my shoes, if I had talked with another girl” and okay I understand that I would’ve been mad too but I know boundaries. If he ever talks with an ex friend I know for sure they’re gonna not respect a relationship, and obviously flirt with him, and maybe he won’t do anything to stop it.
What do you think about this situation? Was I wrong?
And I didn’t know after you remove someone from Snapchat the whole conversation deletes, I’m like shit he’s gonna later think I deleted it. I’m so dumb.
I also deleted the app haha.
I thought SnapChat deletes everything after 24 hours? I”m not a user, though, so I may be mistaken.
I don’t think you’re wrong for chatting with an opposite-sex friend on SnapChat or anywhere else. I think your boyfriend sounds jealous, controlling, and probably insecure. Using the silent treatment as a form of control/manipulation falls into the realm of emotional abuse, btw. Even if he uses your phone, he shouldn’t be reading your messages with other people. Nor should you have to delete anything for any other reason than wanting to delete it.
“I know boundaries. If he ever talks with an ex friend I know for sure they’re gonna not respect a relationship, and obviously flirt with him, and maybe he won’t do anything to stop it.”
I’m not sure if I’m understanding that correctly, but it sounds like you don’t trust that your boyfriend even has boundaries around other women(?). This doesn’t seem like a great relationship to me, with neither of you fully trusting the other.
When I was in my early 20s, I dated a guy who was constantly jealous. Things started fine, though I saw twinges of jealousy, but over time, it escalated to controlling behavior. Like there was an afternoon where we were invited to study with mutual friends — a few guys — and we got into an argument in my apt building’s hallway because according to him I had to change out of shorts first if I wanted to go. (I ended up not changing, but not going.) I tried to keep the peace by avoiding situations that would upset him. Meanwhile, he did as he pleased. Our relationship finally ended with him cheating. All this to say, I’d run fast and far from a boyfriend like yours. In my experience, behavior like this only gets worse, not better.YaneJuly 22, 2023 at 1:00 pm #1123910
I dont entirely know how Snapchat works. I looked it up and supposedly the convo deletes from my chat log but the other person still has access to it. Anyway, I don’t mind him going through it. I have nothing to hide but now I’m upset because he’s totally ignoring me, he’s not even eating what I make during the day.
Kinda odd that it is a platform you use to text, but don’t know how it works. It definitely deletes messages and snaps, I just don’t know the ins and outs of it as a non-user.
Either way, your boyfriend’s behavior isn’t okay. Even if you don’t mind him reading your messages, he shouldn’t be doing it. Do you live together? Is the kid you mention with him?ronJuly 22, 2023 at 1:52 pm #1123912
He’s the problem not you. He’s immature and controlling. MOA, you’ll be better for it.YaneJuly 22, 2023 at 2:22 pm #1123913
Yes. We have 2 kids together and live together.
It’s 2023. You’re both young. You are allowed to have opposite gender friends. Your boyfriend is being obnoxious at best and dangerously controlling at first.
I urge you to challenge him on this. If you give in on this, you’re being unfair to male friends and you’re showing him he can control you with temper tantrums. The line must be drawn here.
He’s wrong here and his behavior is alarming. I would consider this controlling behavior – his policing your friendships and your commutation with your friends – worthy of couples counseling. If he continues to act in this manner, you should move on. This is not the kind of painter you can build a happy life with, nor is your dynamic one you would want to model for your kids. It’s really unhealthy and damaging.AnonymousseJuly 23, 2023 at 7:31 am #1123916
I wonder how his conversations with other women go if he’s this angry about such an innocent conversation you had.
His angry reads like projection to me, but regardless, he’s immature and a non communicative partner. How old are your kids?YaneJuly 23, 2023 at 10:38 am #1123917
At this point, if he’s not talking to me then I shouldn’t either, if things fall apart it’s on him. I asked him last night if we could talk. I told him I did nothing wrong. He just sat there looking at his phone. Don’t know if he was listening or not. And now I think, I should’ve actually (just kidding) cheated so he can actually have something to be mad about! My kids are 3 & 6. I don’t go through his phone but I know he doesn’t speak to other girls. He’s loving when he’s not mad but really, he’s still ignoring me, it’s been 3 days already.
Oh, he heard you, but he’s being petulant. I can’t tell if you want this relationship to work, but if you do, you should be insisting on couples counseling. This isn’t normal or healthy or ok. And if you’re indifferent, which it kinda seems like you are, you can get a plan in place to move out and on.YaneJuly 23, 2023 at 1:46 pm #1123919
I do want to work things out, but if he doesn’t put any of his part then I can put it all in. I tried talking to him. He keeps ignoring me. At a point everyone gets tired of being ignored. And it’s so different when I’m the one mad/in a bad mood. I have to quickly relax, calm down and put a happy face because if I’m in a bad Mood, either because that’s how I woke up or I just don’t feel good, he gets in a bad mood too and starts ignoring me. It’s bullshit.