Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Am I wrong?

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  • #1101317 Reply

    My boyfriend and I have been long distance (he’s in US, I’m in Canada) for 2 years now. We actually met just before Covid erupted in 2020. Little did we know the extent to which that would make our relationship arduous.
    Long distance relationships are hard without a pandemic separating you! So essentially, we had to go about 6 months without seeing each other when it started.
    I remember I would make plans to travel to the us by plane (the border was closed to american coming here so it had to be me) and then cancel over and over again because my elderly parents would not let me come back to the house if I left, plus they would scare me about getting sick. For good reason, as I was not vaccinated and there were no vaccines then.
    FINALLY the spring of 2021 , my bf and I got to spend 5 months together in the US. I came without being vaccinated and risked both our health but I did it for the sake of our love. Even though, in addition, my parents were still telling me I couldn’t return home if I left.
    Fast forward to now, and it’s Christmas. I have a really rough family situation and I finally found a way to move out (I’m 20) and get my own place. It was a really difficult thing to do because it’s my first time living alone and I felt pushed out by the abusive family situation. My Boyfriend and I all the while have been talking about him and I getting together in December and staying in my new place with me for the month. That’d he’d come to Canada.
    So first, it was really difficult for him to get a passport. Then when he finally got one, he turned around and decided he is not coming because he says he is afraid of OMICRON and doesn’t want to put his or my health at risk. Keep in mind that him and I are fully vaccinated (he also just got boosted) and young. (21 and 20)
    This came right after his mom said she didn’t want him going away during Christmas and also after she said she was afraid of him going at all because of omicron. His father who is a physician said the same thing.
    Not too long after that, he apparently decided not to come for safety.
    But I really really needed him to. I have been through a lot and our relationship really depends on these kind of get togethers given we are long distance, plus I really needed him to be here right now, because I’m in a new city and know no one so far. He told me he would be here.
    So basically I feel kind of betrayed and like he put me second but I don’t know if I am justified to feel that given there is some logic to his reasoning.

    #1101320 Reply

    While I understand your feelings and they’re valid, here’s where I think you’re “wrong” (your words). It’s not so much that you’re wrong, but more about needing to reframe the narrative.

    You making this move was about getting away from the isolation of your parents house and building a life in the new city, getting a job, making friends, etc., prior to starting college this fall. If you were ready to do that, then not only do you not need your boyfriend staying with you as a crutch, but also you’re better off if he’s not there with you so that you can start to plan and take the steps to build your new life.

    I think also you’re leaning too hard on your boyfriend, because you’ve been isolated and don’t have friendships. He can’t be the only thing you have, that’s too much pressure. And look, a lot of people are re-evaluating their travel and holiday plans because of Omicron. But you do need to keep an eye on whether he’s as invested in the relationship as you are. Has he had the opportunity to fly to see you since you left there and before omicron but hasn’t? Will he visit you after omicron peaks (which it already has in South Africa)? Is he initiating contact as much as you are? Is he as loving as ever? Be honest with yourself.

    For now, start doing what you need ti do to build your life. Be gracious about him postponing the visit. Let things play out. The goal is to have more in your life than just a long-distance boyfriend. You can do this.

    #1101323 Reply

    I’m also wondering about his having a hard time getting a passport. What were the extenuating circumstances? I know it was slow for a while, but my husband had to get his renewed in October, paid a rush fee, and got it in November. And I’m thinking, if I got a boyfriend in Canada (actually been there, done that years ago), I’d have gotten a passport right away if I didn’t have one. He met you 2 years ago (before Covid) and never got a passport? And his parent is a doctor but he’s never left the US on vacation? It sounds a little bit like, I don’t know, he wasn’t eager to find a way to come see you. He let you do all the work.

    #1101324 Reply

    Yeah, it’s rarely that hard for a US citizen to get a passport.

    #1101326 Reply

    I dunno-I know people for whom it took several months.

    As for Omicron, I am really torn about a visit to family during the next few days. These are people who I love very much and have missed terribly. I have been looking forward to it for months. And just a few days out I’m not sure if it’s going to happen.

    #1101334 Reply

    Um…read what you wrote. You “risked both of our health but I did it for the sake of our love.” That’s not how love works. I love my parents, so I went over a YEAR without being in the same room with them even though they live 20 minutes away and we used to spend every weekend together. When you love someone you do what’s best for them.

    You aren’t rational about this. I am guessing your boyfriend was feeling pressured and didn’t know how to say he didn’t want to join you. You need to be on your own, not constantly leaning on someone else. Give him some space, meet new people (safely!) and grow a bit.

    #1101335 Reply

    Well, I guess I will be the one who comes down HARD on you. Your position on the virus is horrible. Really horrible. “I came without being vaccinated and risked both our health but I did it…” Are we supposed to admire this b.s.?

    Omicron is serious. The whole pandemic is serious. Your parents were right in not allowing you to come back into their home after travel. MILLIONS of people have made sacrifices for two solid years so that we could all try to get past this, but you think you’re special — and all over one guy that (let’s be honest) you don’t even know that well.

    Which leads to part II: a long-distance relationship when you’re 20? WHY? They don’t work unless two people have a plan to eventually be in the same place, and maybe they’re kept apart by school or a job. Y’all have never had a normal dating relationship, not even close, but you’re putting lives at risk because you feel insecure?!?!

    Yes, you’re wrong. Very.

    #1101337 Reply

    To Kate – thank you for validating the feelings I expressed in this when I wrote in, while also giving me some reason and logical advice. I agree, I should have more in my life than a long distance boyfriend and I am definitely leaning on him too hard. He is very loving and definitely has gone out of his way to be there for me and to show me he loves me. In hindsight, I’m being quite unreasonable about this and maybe a little immature. I have gone through a lot outside of COVID with family issues and having the lack of much else besides my long distance boyfriend for quite some time and I think it has made me a little needy and I haven’t grown, but it is time to change that. And to answer your question about his passport – yes, he definitely made a mistake in not getting one sooner. But there are reasons for that. There was a point where him and I planned for me to stay in the US for longer, and I only just moved into my apartment just this past month. Just out of my family home where my parents don’t allow anyone besides us in the door because of COVID, so it was never an option for him to come visit here. He applied for his passport in late November and they told him 5-7 weeks. It was pure luck he got it in 2 weeks instead. So we both got back on board with this plan.
    So yes, I’ve definitely been unreasonable.
    To everyone else that replied – thank you. You’re right that I need to respect the fact that there is a pandemic and that many many people are isolated from loved ones because of it. It is confusing because I see so many people who are not isolating around me, but they’re also not traveling across the country during a peak of the omicron variant. So overall, this has really helped me see things more clearly. Thanks again to all.

    #1101338 Reply

    I am curious what the long term plan is for this relationship or if there is one? If this is the guy you’re leaning on, you are very, very isolated. That’s worrisome. Do you have any friends or anyone you know where you are now? That should be your focus. Meeting people, making friends and building relationships in person with people who you could potentially call or text at 3am for help, maybe. I know you are in a new city and it’s a pandemic, so it’s nearly impossible in a way.

    I don’t know if you’ve chosen someone so unavailable, so distant because of some deeper reason, but in person relationships are much more fulfilling. They build faster because you can spend more time together in person and gauge chemistry and interest and tone.

    I say this because you’re twenty, and that’s like the prime time to date people and figure out what you like and don’t. It’s the time to try lots of new things, not tie yourself to one thing (in this case, man) you don’t see much.

    And dating this someone you rarely see isolates you, makes you feel lonely and betrayed when he won’t risk lives to see you. It’s not something that seems to bring lots of joy and good feelings, although I’m sure it does sometimes.

    Just think about what you really want, what you’re really getting, and if your loneliness is making you hold onto something that might not really be doing it for you. And that doesn’t mean you’re bad or wrong for having a bf if you feel any of those ways. No judgement.

    You’re probably not the only 20 year old in your city feeling isolated or alone. Is there a way you could tap into that community a little? Are their apps or meetup groups you could join?

    I hope you feel better soon.

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