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Anger over a relationship

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  • #1031786 Reply
    avatarReese
    Guest

    This might be somewhat long. We’re both 18.

    So my bf and I met through our tuitions. We attended the classes there, I found out that he was asexual, or he thought he was, he is demisexual it seems and isn’t attracted, or rather found the idea of being attracted to people sexually to be repulsive. But he had a lot of girls that were into him and even tried to get between us.
    We dated for 8 months. I was his first crush, but he wasn’t mine and I had told him that. He wasn’t comfortable with that, and it was often brought up when we talked at the time. The first person I ever liked was about 4 years ago, back in 7th grade. But he said he thought about him a lot, kinda like retroactive ocd.

    During our relationship, I wasn’t a good gf you can say, I was very emotionally bound, I used to think I’d die if the relationship ended and I also told him once that I’d become a whore if things ended. I sexualized anime characters. If I am being honest I wasn’t very sure about my own life, but ofc that made him question me and my commitment to the relationship.

    Over all of this, I told him about some instances, once I told him about two gay guys all over each other in public and how they looked hot. He was obsessed about my crush as it is, and he pointed him out in a group dance video, I pointed out how stupid my crush looked and how other people who were dancing were hotter than my crush, in a failed attempt to “ease him” ig.

    Over time, I stopped doing it, but as you can tell it made him question our relationship, he loved me, but couldn’t handle the insecurities I had given him and broke up with me. I had no guy friends and no interest in other people. I told him of how I had some fantasies rather immoral ones, like imagining myself in risky situations and he felt like I was completely characterless.

    He broke up with me and gave me a chance to change myself, and that he might get back with me. We broke up and he got back with me after an hour. Sometime later, he broke up with me again because he couldn’t handle his thoughts. He still kept talking to me, sometime later I went to see him at a park, he got back with me again. But then he broke up with me on excuses that his mother thinks that the relationship will get in the middle of his studies, which was a lie. Idk if it was before this or after this, he called me over to his house and we hooked up while we were broken up too.

    All in all, we broke up in August, but were still together on 5th September. Then ofc things were completely done rest of the month.
    Throughout the entire time, he called me characterless, and insulted me when we talked, I just didn’t want to stop talking to him.

    During this time, I was hanging out with this girl, I was insecure of her and he knew that, since she had tried to get between us and told him in the past about how he made a mistake dating me, without any details of the relationship, out of nowhere. She had a bf of her own, both of whom had suddenly broken up, my bf also told me a lot about how she had told him, her bf had abused her and she hadn’t told me any of this, but she did tell him all of that. He asked me not to tell her that I knew. He suddenly started telling me one day, that he won’t get in the middle of their relationship from now on, and that she had a crush on him through the relationship and that her bf found out. And that her bf talked to him in a very civil way, and told him to stay away etc. He told me they are broken up again and asked him if he wanted to know why, but he said he doesn’t care. The reason was as follows:

    During this time, she told me that her bf and she broke up, cause she had “out of anger on his past behaviour” flirted with a guy at her school and wanted to know if what she did was really that wrong. I later found that the guy was my bf. She kept hanging out with me, and at the time she told me that the person was just a friend.

    Her bf had forgiven her, but ofc he was mad and yelled at her. So she dumped him. Afterwards she often made comments to me about how she and my bf were similar and didn’t wanna get back with their exes and other passive-aggressive things. Her bf had asked my bf to avoid her, but he actually went to a get together, where she was present too, that day too he had come home and told me that it was really awkward cause he had to avoid her the entire time, based on what he told me previously.

    It was clear to her bf that my bf wasn’t interested in her, he blackmailed him, threatening to tell me everything and asked for his advice on how to get her back. One of our teachers was organizing a party, and this girl had very forcibly tried to invite him there too, he didn’t attend the institution anymore so he didn’t wanna go. I didn’t go too, because I wasn’t exactly fond of those people and I didn’t want him to feel left out. At the last moment he told me he is going and invited me along, we went together and I held his hand on an impulse. He later told me that he liked it, but what if he was dating someone else at that time. That was the first time, he clearly told me that he is looking for other people and wouldn’t want me. I thought it would be the end of the world but I was fine, I asked him that I won’t contact him for a few days, somewhat like the “no contact rule” but well he broke that on his own and texted me first.

    He was talking to other girls on social media (he told me this later) and posting pictures of himself, I wasn’t using any social media, but he’d send me his pictures and I’d compliment them. I was slowly being fine on my own, when he did talk to me, he’d usually tell me how he’s gonna date other people, call other people hot etc. One day he asked “if i would have fantasies like that again”, and when I told him that it won’t happen again and expressed interest in him, he bashed me for doing so. I was fine dealing with it, cause what could I do. After that time, I finally told him that it was not cool to do that and then he stopped, just continuing with his usual plans for dating etc.

    One day he texted me worried, said he had been jittery all day, I talked to him. He told me he had flirted with that girl out of revenge, he had flirted with some other girls too, said he wanted me back, but couldn’t because he felt guilty, told me a lot of truth. I was hesitant at taking him back first, but I forgave him.

    After he got back with me, he was really curt with me, I tried to express my anger over the situation, but he didn’t really acknowledge my anger, things always went back to how he was single and that I was much worse to him. Sometimes, without me bringing it up, he’d hug me and tell me he’s sorry for all that he did. I felt that maybe he is only dependent on me, but it wasn’t that he wanted to talk to me all the time, or even meet me, he was rather avoidant still, he suggested texting him only once a week, he was still angry and insecure over what I had done. He thought I thought of him as a pathetic guy. When I talked about that girl, he thought I’d go fight with her, he did tell me that after he finally rejected her, she asked him to get back with me, she was being passive-aggressive to me however, so I felt bad. But he was still terrible, like he only wanted to prove me wrong. I told him, he doesn’t care about my feelings, he told me he had sold his pride for me, being blackmailed by that girl’s ex bf. One day he said that we might not be able to talk for three months, I told him that contrary to what he thinks, I don’t look down on him and that I don’t have any “ideas of a man” and that if he’d express his weaknesses, I won’t think any less of him. He realised his mistakes, apologised profusely for treating me so terribly, told me I am so important in his life and the only girl he has feelings for, and has been treating me nicely since. But he doesn’t believe it when I praise him. I don’t think he cared about that girl at all, he subtly tries to hint at how much better I am than her. I do wish to talk about this whole ordeal with him once, to be able to let go of some of my own anger.

    Through all this he has lost trust in people, and had a lonely childhood as it is. But he is trusting me. Although he probably doesn’t want any future with me, and this might only be till college starts and we move away. But I want this time with him. I know these aren’t very healthy terms to be in a relationship, but things are being fine now, we are setting boundaries and I am being treated well.

    However, do you guys think I deserve to show some anger? He feels guilty about the situation, but gets troubled when it’s brought up.
    I have tried to express this anger online, but it would really ease me, once and for all if I were able to get him to accept some of my anger, just like I accepted his all along.

    #1031803 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Wtf? You both are incredibly insecure and love drama. You actually sound like a perfect match. I wish you the best.

    #1031804 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    This is a very long story, but it’s not actually complicated. You can distill the bottom line of the whole thing in just a few of your sentences…

    “Throughout the entire time, he called me characterless, and insulted me when we talked, I just didn’t want to stop talking to him.”

    “After he got back with me, he was really curt with me, I tried to express my anger over the situation, but he didn’t really acknowledge my anger, things always went back to how he was single and that I was much worse to him.”

    “But then he broke up with me on excuses that his mother thinks that the relationship will get in the middle of his studies, which was a lie.”

    Bottom Line: Right now, at this point in time, this guy is frankly really shitty, and your anger at him is not only justified, it is inadequate. This whole mess should be behind you at this point. Despite your feelings, it’s clear that you are both not good for each other. It seems like you bring out the worst of each others personality traits.

    I think because you were emotionally manipulative and borderline abusive (“I was very emotionally bound, I used to think I’d die if the relationship ended and I also told him once that I’d become a whore if things ended. I sexualized anime characters.” One of these things is not like the other, btw) you feel like you “owe” him additional chances. But you don’t. You need to acknowledge your own mistakes and move on from this whole mess.

    Otherwise, this cycle is just going to continue. He is not going to acknowledge or justify your anger, and your resentment is just going to continue to build, and one of you is going to act out in some way and the cycle will just continue.

    Please, allow yourself to be treated better than this and move on.

    #1031805 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I promise you won’t regret breaking this off for good and staying ten feet away from all this drama. This incredibly long post is just a classic example of the type of relationship you might have in high school or college and you need to learn to walk away from the drama. If you’re both horny for other people, you shouldn’t even be attempting a relationship. I know I may sound blunt, but it’s because I had a series of relationships with drama, drama, drama like this when I was your age and I can tell you that leaving now is the best choice. All you’re going to do is waste your last summer at home getting hurt by him and maybe occasionally hurting him, and then you’ll be incredibly destroyed when you have to leave for school. You are infatuated with the idea of him.

    Don’t do that. Be single. Have fun. Spend your summer with people who make you laugh and feel happy. Have (Covid safe) casual flings if you can handle that with other people, but NOT with this guy. Try to change up your mindset and look at this summer as an opportunity to have fun and arrive at school feeling excited and happy vs. destroyed emotionally and completely hollow.

    #1031812 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Don’t waste your time on somebody who isn’t into sex. Period. But newsflash —- this guy sounds nuts. And frankly you are a bit of a dramallama yourself.

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