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Dear Wendy

Any advice is appreciated :( I don’t know what to think, thanks

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  • #877424 Reply
    avatarpapaya456
    Guest

    Hi 🙂

    I need some advice regarding my best friend. We’ve known each other for 15 years and we’ve been friends ever since.

    She has many great qualities that I admire : I trust her completely, we are really supportive to one another and we never argue.
    I know she has some insecurities (who hasn’t ?) : she’s very possessive, she feels threatened when I meet someone who I get along with because she doesn’t like to “share” her friends with someone who’s “not worth it” according to her.

    Anyway to set the context, a few years ago, we were both trying to enter a great school but I was the only one who succeeded :/ I was very very sad for her and did everything I could to help her. She was happy for me (she still is) but never gave up and she has spent the last years trying to get into that school to have the same career as me. That’s complicated, I don’t want to give too many details.

    To sum it up, she failed every attempts so far so she’s a bit bitter.

    She never met any of the friends I met at school because that depresses her, and i notice she’s kind of jealous when i mention them.
    She can be full of pride and entitled, she thinks she deserves to succeed more than the others;

    Anyway, our friendship was fine until september 2019. It was tense sometimes as I felt like walking on eggshell because she would get upset if I mentioned her attempts to get int he school or outraged if I said something about someone who voluntarily left school … Apart from that, the friendship was great. She was always here for me if I had any personal problem, etc

    Anyway, last september I started dating a guy who became shortly after my first boyfriend. Due to (very time consuming) studies and work, I only got to see him once a week, sometimes even less, and at the time, I was living with my best friend.

    I admit, I did some mistakes, I struggled to manage my time and I had to cancel going out with my friend because I had a lot of work. But in the other hand, I was still seing the guy once a week. I had a lot of insecurities, so being in a relationship freaked me out completely and she was there to reassure me everytime I panicked.

    But she started to be really annoyed I would find time to go out with him and not her so, at some point in november, she bursted into tears saying she “had been hugely disappointed at me”, that “she was proud of herself because she handled well the fact I had a boyfriend, but she felt like I was taking her for granted and she didn’t want to be sacrificed.”. She stated I should have known she wasn’t okay because she was stressed that she wouldn’t manage to get into my school.

    I apologised to her, I explained her I was going through a lot of things and that the only reason I started to go out with her less often, was that I was already living with her in the same apartment so I got to see her everyday.

    She said that she was ready to forgive me because she still thought I was a good person, but if I was someone else, she would have cut me out of her life. She knew I hadn’t done her wrong in purpose, but she said she “didnt care”.She explained that she was no longer willing to listen to anything I had to say about my boyfriend and that I would have to talk to someone else but she was still here for me regarding any other issues.

    Some months later, I got dumped. He was really mean to me and in hindsight I realize it was a terrible relationship.

    I talked to my sister, another close friend of mine and I got a therapist to get through all the usual sadness and distress that comes after a break up.

    At some point, I did say to her we broke up and she replied “okay, unfortunately I will not be able to comfort you, but i am sure you can find someone to talk to”

    I don’t know if I am being a bad person here and if I am being incredibly selfish but I don’t understand her reaction and she’s not the only one to feel disappointed. I have to say : those events really damaged our friendship. We still talk almost everyday, but I don’t feel like opening to her anymore. I don’t talk to her about my life anymore, I think I am still quite angry at her.

    I don’t know how she feels about that though,, but for me the friendship is definitely not the same.

    So what do you think about that ? Am I being selfish ? Is the friendship still worth it ?

    Thank you! 🙂

    #877428 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Your best friend is not much of a friend. She is very jealous.

    #877429 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    LW, I don’t think you’re being selfish but i do think it was cruel to keep mentioning how she didn’t get into your school and then to tell her when people voluntarily left knowing how much she wanted to get in.

    A lot of people drop their friendships when they start seeing someone but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. She decided to set boundaries because she was hurt, that’s ok.

    I’m not sure why you want to decide if this “friendship is still worth it” that’s such dramatic language to use. Why can’t it just be you’re upset she wouldn’t support you (even though she told you from the beginning that she wouldn’t) and then get over it. It sounds like you have a fine support network so i’m not sure why she should drop her requested boundary to support you in this breakup.

    Regardless if you’re that upset to consider dropping a 15 year friendship then blow it up, i just don’t advise it.

    #877431 Reply
    avatarpapaya456
    Guest

    CurlyQue, thank you for your reply !

    Omg, I think there’s been a misunderstanding : the last thing I didwas to be insensitive mentioning how she didn’t get into my school 😳

    I would never do that, I know it’s a sensitive topic and I don’t want to upset her
    However, when it came to the subject I did asked about her project once or twice and offered to help because I genuinely care as a friend. But she seemed really uncomfortable and brushed the thing off…
    That is how I learnt I shouldn’t talk about that and I stopped.

    We are a circle of 3 close friends (the second one is the one that supported me during my breakup) and even her, said that she was constantly walking on eggshell

    As for the people who left school, I thought this would cheer her up as they were people she disliked. But she was even more enraged.

    I am upset because I find her vindictive and I didn’t think our friendship was like this.
    In my point of you, either you forgive someone and decide to pursue the friendship (meaning you will support the person), either you decide to call it quit

    But

    #877432 Reply
    avatarpapaya456
    Guest

    Thank you Ron, for your reply

    What makes you think that ?

    #877433 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    LW, i think your view of friendship is very black and white, it’s either 100% or it’s nothing and i just don’t think that’s reality. She said she’s there for you in every way but for this one short relationship with this one guy. You’re definitely within your rights to end the friendship, move out and never speak to her again but i’d suggest understanding why she set her boundaries regarding this guy and letting it go. See what happens with the next relationship you have.

    #877434 Reply
    avatarpapaya456
    Guest

    Actually, I don’t think friendship is black or white but I think forgiveness is. I may be wrong however

    For example, my father cheated on my mother a few years ago. s
    He apologized, she decided to accept it, to forgive and to move on. Now, she laughs with him and acts normally.
    But you can guess she holds a grudge against him because she confronts him about his adultery every single time they argue even though it has nothing to do with it 🤦🏼‍♀️
    So, I don’t know if we can call that forgiveness

    In this situation, I think I can learn from my mistakes (although I did see her everyday and pay attention to her when I was in a relationship)

    However, I tend to think her attitude towards me had something to do with her own insecurities and maybe jealousy… She mentioned she was extremely possessive, that she had a fear of abandonment and that she was really demanding with people she cared about.

    My second best friend (we’re a circle of 3 best friends) is in a relationship right now. She’s also very busy and I don’t get to talk and see her as much as I would like to 😔 But I know she does her best and I trust her
    The first best friend is a bit annoyed but doesn’t show the same hostility, yet, she sees her only once a month and they have been friends for 16 or 17 years
    A month ago, she told me “I swear, if she doesn’t reply within 24 hours to my text I will confront her because I can’t stand the fact that she spends so much time with him”

    I guess I just don’t like it when partners or friends get clingy and possessive with me
    I know that loving someone more than they love you is a terrible feeling. I experiencenced unrequited love several times.
    But in my opinion you can’t force anyone to pay attention nor to care about you and confronting them, might push them further

    #877436 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    Thank you for the examples, i agree that her possessiveness is out of line and unreasonable. You can’t change her, all you can do is try to create boundaries which might be easier to do if you weren’t living with her. If you’re still seeing your therapist they would be helpful in helping you set up those boundaries and scripts to tell her when she’s being unreasonable.

    #877437 Reply
    avatarpapaya456
    Guest

    Yes, I am indeed moving out in two months.

    But I am curious : what made you change your mind ? You seemed to think I was being irrational ?

    #877439 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    I think she’s well within her right to set a boundary because she was upset (i.e. the boyfriend) but i don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to be responded to within a certain time limit, etc. I just have different opinions on the different scenarios you presented. I still think it’s a good idea to discuss this with a therapist, and i think dumping a 15 yr friendship because she told you in advance she couldn’t support a certain relationship is extreme but given all the other context i think it’s a good idea that you’re moving out in two months and you both can create a healthier dynamic (if possible).

    #877445 Reply

    Have you talked about this with your therapist? Because you should. I’m glad you’re moving out. It sounds like you’re pretty young, I’m assuming under 20. Meeting someone and staying friends with them for years is great and shows you’re very loyal, but it also doesn’t always lead to the healthiest or best friendships. She’s possessive and bitter. I think the distance between you is probably for the best. You don’t have to share your life with her. Keeping her at an arms length might be a good thing for you, and the friendship, if it lasts.

    She didn’t do anything wrong setting boundaries. I think it could have happened a better way, but you’re all so young. I can tell you that sometimes hearing someone gush about a bf constantly gets kind of annoying.

    Bide you’re time left loving with her and maybe moving out will actually improve your friendship. Or you might find you don’t have that much in common anymore. Friendships come and go. Sometimes living with your best friends is not the best.

    That said, you say she is your best friend. And she apparently has numerous qualities you admire. So maybe it’s worth taking it easy and keeping some distance until you can figure out how to clear the air with her in a calm, rational way. Talk about your feelings and see if you can maintain the friendship.

    #877468 Reply
    avatarpapaya456
    Guest

    Dear anonymousse,

    Thank you for the reply. We are 23-24 years old actually but yes, maybe my behavior sounds bit immature ?

    Yes, I am sure it can be annoying. It’s just that it was an abusive relationship and I thought that was more important than our «fight »
    My second best friend did tell him that he broke up cold heartedly criticizing my appearance for justification.
    The whole relationship was toxic but I didn’t see it that way at the time
    And we would go out, talk a lot about her and she never even asked if I was okay while I was grieving

    Thank you I will definitely move out and take some time apart from her.

    The thing is, she has qualities that I admire but there’re getting overshadowed by her flaws. I feel angry at her and I really don’t get angry often.

    Maybe it will disappear

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