- This topic has 30 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 9 months ago by Bittergaymark.
April 15, 2019 at 11:21 am #841130VathenaGuest
I don’t buy that any years are necessarily the “best years”. When I started HS, my mom gave me some great advice that I still remember – that people were going to say that high school is “the best years of your life!” but that’s crap, because the best time should generally be the time you’re living right now. So like, HS was great and college was better, then when I was 26, that was pretty sweet. Now I’m 38, and it’s amazing too. I expect 49 and 63 to be mostly great as well, provided we haven’t cooked alive on this planet by then. Shit can happen at any point in your life (and I am very sorry for your loss, OP). But in general, embracing the present/future is a good way to live.April 15, 2019 at 11:29 am #841132ktfranParticipant
I’ll be honest. I didn’t love my high school years. Or even College. Early 20s was ok for me. Mid to late 20s was extremely rough (not fear of turning 30, relationship woes with both friends and partner). So for me, there are good periods and bad. So far, the entirety of my 30s has been solid. Maybe it just took me a long time to come into my own and be comfortable with myself.April 15, 2019 at 11:31 am #841134CopaParticipant
I’m 32, and while turning 30 didn’t freak me out, I wasn’t totally immune to sometimes feeling like I was getting older and less desirable, even though I’ve always known logically that my age was irrelevant because people find love and great partners at all ages. Maybe 1-2 years ago, an old coworker, who was probably 23 at the time, made me feel pretty lousy because she wouldn’t stop talking about how she was too old to be single. I had to remind myself not to let bullshit comments get to me.
I agree that my life gets better as I get older. By the time I met my now-boyfriend, I’d have to remind myself to make time for dating. I was hopeful to meet someone, but my life and routine felt well-rounded and I was happy. My boyfriend also had a full, well-rounded life before meeting me. I think we both add value to one another’s lives, but we were both content with our respective lives when we met.
ETA: That former coworker proceeded to date a guy she wasn’t even interested in just to have a boyfriend. For over a year! They broke up around the holidays. She has since made many questionable choices, like shamelessly going after a one of my friends who has a girlfriend. So, add me to the list of people who thinks that you’re more likely to make terrible dating decisions if you let yourself get caught up in the idea that you’re getting too old to find a great partner.April 15, 2019 at 11:43 am #841136KateGuest
*In general* your 30s can be good because you maybe have a better financial situation than your 20s, maybe have more confidence and are doing more interesting things at work, your body is still young and you still have some energy, you have some relationship experience, maybe you have kids if you want them, maybe you have money for some nicer things, dinners, vacations, maybe your parents are still doing fine, etc.
But there are always good times and not so good times.April 15, 2019 at 12:09 pm #841138FyodorGuest
To the extent that “true love partner” means a singular partner meant for you, I don’t think that such a thing exists. I love my wife but if I had moved to a different city after law school, I don’t think that either of us would have been doomed to lives of unhappiness.
I also think that the concept generally tends to treat love as a numinous outside force rather than something built at least partially (but obviously not entirely) on the commitment and efforts of the partners involved.April 15, 2019 at 12:13 pm #841139KateGuest
Oh, I didn’t take it to mean “one true love,” just a partner with whom you have true love.April 15, 2019 at 12:14 pm #841140FyodorGuest
” I don’t know what the actual stats are, but a SOLID 2/3 of your life will likely be lived AFTER you turn 30.”
This is also why it’s important to not rush into these things. Life is long. Marriage is long.April 15, 2019 at 12:20 pm #841141FyodorGuest
I guess that it depends what you mean by “True love.” If you just mean “Someone you love who will be your lifetime partner.” I will graciously permit people to use it. But the term usually conveys the idea of some kind of numinous magical force that carries you through all manner of incompatibility or struggle and tends to be accompanied by all kinds of bad thinking.
I’m not trying to be a grump.April 15, 2019 at 12:26 pm #841142KateGuest
I don’t agree that it does. I think you can genuinely have something very special with a certain person. Definitely commitment and some effort are required, but I do believe in, like, special love.April 15, 2019 at 12:27 pm #841143courtney89Participant
I agree Kate.April 15, 2019 at 12:45 pm #841144FyodorGuest
I absolutely agree that you can have special love with a particular person and that it’s quite wonderful. I guess that I interpret “true love” as conveying more than that.April 15, 2019 at 1:16 pm #841145TheLadyEGuest
I am also so sick of the idea that you just dry up and disappear at 30, or that 30 is “so old”. It’s ridiculous. I’m 36 and a late bloomer; I’ve dated more than five times the amount in my 30s than I ever did in my 20s or earlier. Over half of my relationships have been in my 30s. Even more so, my mom has a friend who got divorced in her 50s and she does way better than I do at dating, in fact.
In the opposite vein, my little sister turns 29 this year and for the past year she’s been clinging to a “relationship” that my mom & I have known for more than 6 months isn’t going to work out, but she’s trying as hard as she can to make it work because (I believe) she’s operating under this mindset that she can’t be single at 30. What she’s really doing is wasting time and destroying her own self-esteem and sanity in the process.
Do you know when I really started to attract men? When I spent some time alone and delved into my friendships, hobbies, and myself. I know it seems super cliche and everyone says that but it’s really true. I’m more confident and comfortable with myself than I’ve ever been, and I have to make time for dating, which means I’m very selective and only date people I want to date. I feel prettier and more put together than I did in my 20s; I’m certainly more financially stable, and I have SO much more to offer. Your 30s are just the beginning, but I will say the best thing about them is if you take some time to yourself, you’ll know yourself and what you’re looking for so much more that you won’t find yourself trapped in the kind of tough situations you describe.