May 18, 2019 at 1:29 pm #843597
I just finished reading a similar thread asking the same question about ‘after 30’ and there was a lot of optimism about people finding partners when they hit their thirties.
I’m curious, though – does anyone have a story to tell about finding love after 40? I just turned 40 last October and things are not looking all that good – I haven’t had a connection worth speaking about in years.May 18, 2019 at 1:45 pm #843598
Yeah, my mom’s bff was widowed and found true love again in her 60s. Plus the guy has a country house and she has a city condo so it’s a match made in bougie heaven. Seriously though, she’s happy!May 18, 2019 at 1:50 pm #843599
Right – although I guess if one wants to have kids, getting married at 60 probably isn’t ideal. But a great story 🙂May 18, 2019 at 2:02 pm #843600
Oh, you didn’t say kids. Not sure I know any women who met someone after 40 and had biological kids.May 18, 2019 at 8:53 pm #843605FyodorGuest
We could fix her up with that guy who sent the letter last week.May 18, 2019 at 9:08 pm #843606
I know a fair amount of people who did meet their partner around 40. Most that I know didn’t want kids, though. Some women can still have kids later. It’s just that the risks are greater. My aunt started having kids at 46. She had another at 48. They are great, and in college now. It really all depends. If kids are that important, have you had fertility testing? Would you be willing to do it on your own?May 18, 2019 at 11:30 pm #843609
Thanks for the replies – to clarify, I’m a guy. I should’ve made this clear in the original post.
I guess there are fewer physical barriers that prevent or complicate fathering children after 40, but for me at least, I can’t imagine being a parent for the first time at 50 or 60.
The fundamental question for me, I guess, is whether or not it simply becomes much less probable after 40? Sure, there will always be stories of people who got lucky – but somehow I feel like a lot of these things (serious dating, family, children, settling in one place) are passing me by.May 19, 2019 at 5:20 am #843612
“The fundamental question for me, I guess, is whether or not it simply becomes much less probable after 40?“
Of course it does. A woman’s most fertile years are her teens through, like, mid-30s. After 30s there are drastic drops in fertility. A pregnancy in 40s is possible but much more difficult (and risky).
Also, I don’t know the stats on male fertility, but I believe it drops as well.
So if you’re a guy, you can certainly try to meet a woman who’s still in her 30s. Or a woman who already has kids and you could be a stepdad. In his mid-40s my uncle married a woman who had recently adopted a little girl on her own. They’re still married and the kid is going into senior year in HS.
Or you can acknowledge that maybe whatever you’ve been doing for the last 20-25 years was maybe more important to you than finding true love and starting a family, and that maybe you don’t need what society tries to tell you you need. I’m very happy (at 44) to not have had kids.May 19, 2019 at 8:57 am #843619
I guess I’d wonder why you think you haven’t met anyone worth connecting with in years? Are there personal issues that might be holding you back? Are you actively dating? Have you asked friends for advice?
If this is something that’s important to you, you should be making a concerted effort.
I met my husband when he was 41. We had our first child a couple years later. He’s fit and active, and I don’t worry about him being an older dad.May 19, 2019 at 9:21 am #843625
Anonymousse – so that’s one positive story. Thanks for the advice.
With me, it’s never really been about one issue. I’ve never really been a happy person or full of joie de vivre. My work (which pays well, and which I’ve always liked and been interested in) takes me around the world every 2-3 years, and for the past ten years I’ve been working in places where the dating pool is small (no fraternisation with the locals, small pool of expats). I’m a bit of a workaholic, and work tends to leave me mentally and physically exhausted.
Beyond that, I’ve always been a person who’s bad at dating, but better at relationships? I’m not bad looking, but not photogenic (making online dating difficult), I take a while to warm up to people, and over the past 2-3 years I’ve gone on quite a few dates without really meeting anyone who I was ever eager to see again.
To answer a previous poster (I think it was Kate): I spent a long time being indifferent to the idea of kids or a long-term relationship, but as soon as I turned 40 something seemed to snap. I’m pretty sure that this isn’t related to external pressure – I’m in a boat where I don’t want a relationship at all costs, but I feel like I’m missing something. Maybe I should just be less picky? My parents got involved and married because of societal expectations and both wanting kids and had a really quite unhappy marriage, and maybe I’ve learned that lesson too well.May 19, 2019 at 9:50 am #843627ktfranParticipant
I don’t believe in one true love. I do believe you can find a partner you want to spend your life with at any age.
I think you’d benefit from taking some time to figure out what it is you want. Figure out what’s missing. Is it a partner? Is it a partner and children? Is it kids only? Then work towards those goals. There’s a lot of ways to go about it.
I totally understand how you feel about dating. I’m not super outgoing. I suck at first impressions because I’m nervous and closed off. It’s not until people spend time with me that I shine. Nearly every single relationship I’ve had has been with someone who I’ve known for awhile first. It’s always the slow build and banter that has worked for me. So, do activities you enjoy or join groups. Meet people that way. I met both my ex-fiancé and my husband at work.
You might benefit from a life coach or therapist to learn ways to be more open. It also might help you figure out what you’re ultimately missing/looking for.
One of my girlfriends had trouble dating. She used a life coach to work on her dating profile and to help her be more open. It worked. And it helped her open her eyes and heart to people outside of her very narrow view of what she thought she wanted.May 19, 2019 at 11:15 am #843628
Is a wife and kids something you actually really want or is that something to check off a list? I mean, quite honestly it doesn’t sound like your career and work/life balance is conducive to a real relationship or children. Or that you’ve ever placed much importance on that until just recently. Is this because your realizing the window for a family is closing quickly? Are you currently unhappy with your life?
As far as being too picky- unless there’s some glaring issue you wouldn’t want to see someone again, you should be going on second or third date. Don’t expect to fall in love the first time you meet someone. I remember not liking my husband upon our first introduction. It’s funny to think about that now.
I think it would be worth it to discuss this with a professional. They can ask more insightful questions that might help you get to the root of these feelings-whether it’s something you actually want, or just an option you feel you’re about to lose- and help you figure out what to do to change that.
A dating coach could be useful, too. They can help make your profile and pictures better, too.