October 29, 2017 at 11:07 pm #725457
I don’t even feel like I need to grieve. It’s not quite sadness. I’m not mourning a loss cause it was only, like, five weeks of my life and I don’t feel I’ve lost anything. I’m more… I dunno, exasperated? Maybe a little sad that I’ll never know if our relationship would’ve been a great one — because I do feel it would’ve been. He was the one setting the tone and pace of everything. It felt fairly relationship-y very quickly, and that wasn’t my doing. I think if he only wanted sex, he wouldn’t have lasted longer than a few dates or been inviting me to work events. But it’s like as soon as things actually DID get more intimate, he bolted. (He’s only a couple months out of a three-year relationship. I’m curious if that has something to do with it.) Anyway. Time to stop caring about that, and find a guy who actually wants the emotions that come with dating someone.October 30, 2017 at 7:18 am #725465FyodorGuest
@copa from 2005-2006 I went out without about 60 women (mostly online) before I met BOF. I think that if you are in a city where there are a lot of single people it has always been a numbers slog.October 30, 2017 at 7:19 am #725466FyodorGuest
That being said, it’s never a bad idea to reevaluate your criteria and process if it doesn’t seem to be working for you, either in terms of the people you are filtering out or people you are choosing.October 30, 2017 at 9:26 am #725480
Yeah, I’m in a large city. I think people here settle down a bit later than they would in the suburbs, but it’s the Midwest so it’s still a bit more traditional than, say, NYC. I assume there are a lot of singles.
The thing is, I *do* try to keep an open mind about people. (This wasn’t true two years ago when I started online dating, I admit, but I do think nowadays I’m realistic about things.) Last night’s date, for example, was very nice and attractive, but the conversation was a bit dull. He seemed shy and a little uncomfortable. I’d go out with him again, though, because at the end of the day he seems like a good person. On the other hand, there’s someone like C.T. who I wasn’t immediately attracted to, but with whom I immediately enjoyed the conversation because we had so much in common. (I knew on date four I was attracted to him.) I’m not exclusively going after the hotties of the online dating world. I care about personality and chemistry, and I don’t expect it to be immediate. I keep an open mind. But it still seems like nothing happens, like nothing is working. And every once in awhile, I’ll feel like I’ve finally found it, only to realize I still haven’t. It’s just… so frustrating.
So, it’s good to hear that a lot of people seem to have met dozens of people before everything finally fell into place.October 30, 2017 at 10:01 am #725483FyodorGuest
I hope that this doesn’t come across as mean spririted-I don’t intend it to be.
I don’t know enough about what you’re doing to tell but one thing that I’ve learned from my own experiences and others is that people will date people that they only have weak interest in for companionship or validation Usually for men this involves having casual sex or short term relationships with a woman who he won’t commit to. Usually for women it involves letting the guy take her on a bunch of dates without sleeping with him. Though I’ve seen it reversed in some cases.
Usually when someone finds themselves persistently on the business end of this situation, it’s because they’re primarily pursuing very attractive/in demand people that like them well enough to keep dating them but not actually form any significant attachment. You’ve mentioned that the guys you actually find yourself interested in are hyper-charismatic and also spend a lot of time in the gym. And you’re entitled to prefer what you prefer. But these guys are going to have a lot of options.
Most people, men or women, who are picky, don’t think of themselves as such. And it’s less of an issue of walking through a long list then they find themselves just kind of chasing after people who meet their specific criteria (high looks, charm, career) but who are unfit in other ways. But it might be worth really sitting down and deciding what is important to you, what you can live without, are and if you’re in practice filtering out good candidates.
That’s all I got.October 30, 2017 at 10:07 am #725484ktfranParticipant
@ladye – I used to do the “shut in” thing. A couple times a year, maybe more, there were occasional weekends when I just, IDK, decided I wanted to binge watch tv and not interact with the world. And yeah, I’d feel kind of bad for not getting out there. Or I’d feel a little lonely. Or slightly depressed. But I’d give myself that weekend to re-energize myself. I took it for what it was, a weekend to recharge, then, the next week, weekend, months, I was ready to for friends and family and activities and life.
I think it’s hard because people are constantly posting about their “great lives.” But I think it’s ok to take a break from life. As long as it’s not a habit. Don’t feel bad!
FWIW, I still need those weekends occasionally. The husband will do them with me. It’s a little better to hold a shut in with a partner, however I still feel bad that I did absolutely nothing. At least you cleaned your house too! And shopped!October 30, 2017 at 10:30 am #725486Dear WendyKeymaster
OMG, a shut-in weekend to not deal with anyone and to binge-watch favorite shows and wear loungewear and read books and take naps sounds AWESOME. Don’t feel the least bit guilty about that. I had three hours to myself yesterday (when drew took the kids to a birthday party for his friend’s daughter) and it was divine having that time. I wished it could have been a whole weekend!
One day, your life may not be completely your own. You may have a partner and maybe even kids and will have to work around obligations to them and to your in-laws and you will long for the days you had a couple of hours to yourself, let alone a whole weekend to recharge and take care of your own needs. Try to cherish it while you have it. It’s not like you’re doing in every weekend. I’d say even once a season, having a weekend all to yourself sounds healthy and great.October 30, 2017 at 10:50 am #725488FyodorGuest
Every few months BOF* will take SOF** to her parents overnight without me. And I’ll have the house to myself. And on one hand I’ll miss them. On the other, I’ll feel almost guilty about how glorious the free time is.
*Bride of Fyodor
** Spawn of FyodorOctober 30, 2017 at 10:52 am #725489CourtneyGuest
Online dating is just frustrating! Had a great first date with a guy about a week ago (held off messaging my brother’s friend i mentioned earlier), actually probably one of the best first dates ive had in awhile, i made it known i would be down to go out again if he was interested (Sent a thank you and hope we can do it again soon text right after the date) and he said yes definitely! then…nothing. and i figured i left it in his court. So on to the next. I’m so tired of trying to find a special someone!October 30, 2017 at 11:04 am #725490KateGuest
I think weekends like that are TOTALLY normal. Blame social media for making you feel bad about yourself. It’s fine.October 30, 2017 at 11:18 am #725493kmtthatParticipant
“I’m not sure how many people who read this thread have had success with online dating. Does anyone know roughly how many people they met before they met their match? I’m curious. My therapist told me she met a lot of people (like, close to 100). A lot of people keep telling me it’s a numbers game.”
I think it is, and it isn’t. I was on Tinder for a few months when I met my S.O. When swiping I said yes to maybe 1 out of 300 people (picky AF but I would go through everyday to swipe) and of those I probably matched with 75%. Of those I matched with, maybe 50% would actually message me and like once in a blue moon turn into a date. I went on dates with three people before meeting him and I am dumbfounded it worked out, and thought I had to date a ton of guys to find the right one. I think it’s a shit shoot, and I feel stupid lucky. So all I can say is keep trying, and one day statistically it will work out.
Also, since we both live in the same city…if you ever want to meet up again grab a drink and just vent, I’m down! I get the not being from here and not 22, it can be hard to make friends in their 30s who aren’t married with kids and in the suburbs.
For me, things are great. 1 year anniversary with Canadian bf is in a few weeks and we are going to NYC to celebrate. the transition to him working in consulting has been really hard as he’s been gone a minimum of 4 days a week and missed out on some major events. Last month my grandma, who was like a mother to me, passed away after a bad fall (we had to put her on life support and I was there when we took her off and she passed). I spent weeks there while she was in the hospital and it was really hard to not have him there. With his new job, he couldn’t come for the funeral either, or my best friends wedding (which was three days after the funeral….seriously was the worst timing to be a bridesmaid). We just hit every hard thing at once, but it’s made us value more the time we have together and hasn’t made us fight or distant. Love him like crazy, and we are talking very seriously about buying a place in the spring, so things are good!October 30, 2017 at 12:13 pm #725497
@Fyodor I said I keep an open mind, I didn’t say I’m not picky. Truth is, I am. And I think I should be. (I think *everyone* should be, within reason.) Picking a life partner is the only time you get to choose who your family is. I think the bigger problem is the shopping mentality, and everyone thinking the next match will be better, over and over and over again. Even my guy friends who you’d think would have a lot of success in online dating because they’re handsome, have good jobs, are sociable, etc. get rejected often.
(Side note: I also don’t think guys who spend a lot of time at the gym necessarily have a lot of options. It’s not the physique that I’m after, which is I think what you’re getting at when you say these men have lots of options. That’s not an expectation I have — a lot of people who frequent the gym don’t have a Crossfit body. I like gym-goers because I am a closet meathead :), and I look for it dates because I’d prefer a partner who likes to be active with me.)