January 11, 2018 at 4:26 pm #735615
Totally agree with Kate. Even if we weren’t so lax about it, I could never live in a situation where things were like she described in the Joy Luck Club. I can’t even do that with friends. Oh, your meal was $7.59 extra? Yes, I’m still ok with splitting down the middle.
I think as long as you come to an agreement that works, I personally like the equitable based on income idea, and revisit that agreement if something changes or isn’t working, than you’ll be A-OK.January 11, 2018 at 7:07 pm #735631AngeGuest
We have separate accounts but my husband has access to mine and I know the info to get into his. We set it up that way because I changed banks to his so it was easy to just add him to mine. We get paid fortnightly opposite weeks so his week he pays for groceries/fun stuff and my week I pay. Other than that we just talk about big expenses and check on our savings. Truthfully I just got invisalign so I’m not holding up my end there right now but he’s also moving to the opposite end of the country today for work so his work can feed him, I figure that’ll save us a bundle.January 12, 2018 at 5:51 am #735660lucia_laGuest
Appreciate hearing all of the perspectives! Thanks guys.
Hmmmm splitting proportionally based on income does seem to make sense…. Right now Banjo lives alone in a one-bedroom, so obviously pays all of his own rent and utilities. I’m moving in there. I make more than him, but he has more savings than I do. (I think? It’s a little confusing because we’re Americans living abroad and things change as the exchange rate changes. His savings are in $, mine are in our obscure local currency.) We agreed to split everything evenly once I move in. I wonder now if that’s fair since I make more? But he’s been fine paying all of it for a long time. So hopefully it’s okay. We discussed it and that’s what we agreed, so I guess it’s fine. We are also both freelancers and our income can vary a lot throughout the year, so I don’t even know exactly how much more I make.
For splitting the other stuff, I assume we’ll figure out a natural rhythm of things and see how it’s going, and check in about it as necessary. I’m just a planner and I like to have things !Decided!
We’re buying a wardrobe and bookshelf from craigslist on Saturday so shit is getting real! (And hopefully this means we can avoid Ikea all together!)January 12, 2018 at 7:36 am #735667TheHizzyGuest
If he wants to split 50/50 he probably has already thought about it. I’d approach him on an income based one if you feel you need to. FMH makes about 1/3 of what I do and so a 50/50 split made zero sense to me.January 12, 2018 at 1:45 pm #735718
Random relationship observation:
You know how like EVERY LW on Dear Wendy starts out their letter by saying “OMG I have NEVER felt this way before! The connection we have is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced!”
Well, in my current relationship I DON’T feel that way. I am quite aware that I have had intense connections and feelings for other guys. In fact, in most of my previous relationships I have been completely infatuated, idolizing or idealizing the guy, completely high on whatever natural chemicals start swirling.
But I’m not like that with my current partner, which is something I’ve found interesting from the start. I’ve actually been quite aware of his flaws from the beginning, and I have taken time to think how I felt about him, and whether or not these were issues I could let go of, or if they should be talked out, or if they are deal breakers (no deal breakers yet obviously).
In the beginning my mom kept asking me if I loved him, if he was the ONE, and I kept telling her “I don’t know yet, we’re still getting to know each other.” I knew that I really liked him, but it took me like 8 months before I was ready to say, yeah this is love.
You know what else is different? I’ve never felt this secure before (most of the time… I still have my mini internal freak outs from time to time but mostly I feel quite secure). I’ve never felt this loved before. And not in the weird way that I’ve experienced from guys who were infatuated with ME. I feel loved in that this person cares for me, is considerate of me and wants to be a true partner.
But anyway, no, I’ve never felt like OMG THIS CONNECTION IS SO SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE UNIQUE AND INTENSE like every LW on here.
I’m not asking for advice or anything, I’m just musing. Does any of this make sense?January 12, 2018 at 2:00 pm #735723
It totally does, and I’d say I had similar feelings when the husband and I first started dating. I always roll my eyes when LWs say that, or that they’re in the perfect relationship, but…” There’s always a but right, because no relationship is perfect.
I will say, I kind of did know I wanted to marry the husband early on. I was extremely cautious with him, as is evidenced on this thread, but I knew. The reason I knew wasn’t because of a connection or soul mates or whatever, it’s just that the relationship was fairly easy. He was intelligent, kind and witty. I didn’t spend hours upon hours fretting over where we stood or whatever like I had in the past. For the first time, I didn’t over analyze everything. I went with the flow. We fit into each others lives easily. It worked. So yeah, secure is the right word. And you’re right, there are things/flaws that I actively had to accept. I definitely didn’t idolize him or our relationship. I took more time to figure out how I felt. I liked how I felt. And so here we are.
Anyway, super happy for you MissDre! Another Awesome Date forum post success story in the works!!!January 12, 2018 at 2:09 pm #735726
I will say, I kind of did know I wanted to marry the husband early on. I was extremely cautious with him, as is evidenced on this thread, but I knew. The reason I knew wasn’t because of a connection or soul mates or whatever, it’s just that the relationship was fairly easy. He was intelligent, kind and witty. I didn’t spend hours upon hours fretting over where we stood or whatever like I had in the past. For the first time, I didn’t over analyze everything. I went with the flow.
YES this is how I felt. When my mom asked me if he was the one, inside I was thinking “I really hope so!” because I definitely liked him so much. But I was cautious and wanted to take my time. And yeah, things just feel easy and I’m not fretting over everything, like you said. Even my girlfriends said to me, about 5 months in, that I seemed different. That I seem just… chill.January 12, 2018 at 2:12 pm #735727CopaParticipant
I am actually looking forward to others chiming in on what @MissDre wrote. My last serious boyfriend was the last person I think I’ll ever blindly adore, which I find a litttttle bit sad because, I mean, who doesn’t love having that kind of crush!? But I think it’s a good thing that I no longer do that. Some of the guys I’ve been interested this past year or so, I’ve wondered if I don’t like them enough because I don’t feel that Super Special Connection. None of these relationships have progressed past the early dating stages, so it never becomes a real issue.January 12, 2018 at 2:27 pm #735732MoneypennyParticipant
Miss Dre, I totally understand what you mean. I’m one of those people who will dissect a text to death and be “woe is me” when I don’t know wtf is going on, although generally I’ve never been a person who thinks a guy is omg perfect in all ways!!1! But I get it.
In my current relationship (of 1 year), I would say I wasn’t sure how I felt about him for a few weeks. I knew there was something about him I liked, but didn’t want to rush or force anything. I realized I liked him when I noticed how excited I was to see him. And I also didn’t even tell most of my friends I was dating anyone for at least a month or so! I just kept really quiet about it because I wanted to see how it went. The Dude is really low key and was very honest from the beginning how he felt. No guessing games, just… easiness. I dunno, it just feels normal. And even if we don’t end up together for the long term, I can at least appreciate that.January 12, 2018 at 2:29 pm #735735
I definitely REALLY liked him from the start, but I didn’t “blindly adore” him as Copa put. I dunno… I find the differences interesting.January 12, 2018 at 2:53 pm #735746scorpioMember
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and I also have not felt “OMG I have never felt this before, we have a special kind of love, etc.” with him. I have felt that way in the past, and that relationship crashed and burned.
In my current relationship I was pretty sure I was in love about 2 months in, and knew for sure within 3 months. He makes me feel very safe, secure, I trust him 100%, I love our time together and miss him when I am not with him, but am also aware of his faults and our differences and the areas where our relationship won’t be “easy”. I know I want a future with him, and we talk about that, but it isn’t in a “my life would be empty without you and I couldn’t go on without you” kind of way. More of a “you make me happy and my life better and I am so happy we are a couple and have been able join our lives” kind of way.January 12, 2018 at 2:54 pm #735747
Oh my gosh MoneyPenny, I did the same with the now husband. It was the first relationship where I wasn’t mentioning things to friends or family and I kept it on the down low for a while. I wanted to see how things progressed without outside noise, and how I truly felt.
I did mention a lot on here though. You all know more than almost anyone.