DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I tend to be the saver and husband would be the spender. I think if it looks like you’ll be moving in at some point you have to sit down and look at each other’s financials. We didn’t share accounts or anything until later but we did have a full on conversation about what we had, what we wanted to have and what we wanted to save. Maybe he’s making enough to do things like that and still save? You don’t really know until you have that talk. I don’t see anything wrong with you expressing your discomfort at the cost if only because you don’t want anyone overextending on your behalf and that could ease you into it. You’re planning to share bills n stuff eventually, it shouldn’t be taboo.
Hmm. Interesting question hfan. The husband and I luckily have similar spending habits. We save plenty for retirement. Our only debt is our mortgage. We indulge on evenings out a handful of times/year and we’ll pay for convenience. Like today, it was raining and bus tracker wasn’t working so we took an Uber to work.
Both the husband and I come from lower middle class families. We understand the value of the dollar. But we also don’t want to limit ourselves. We don’t have children. Money is no good to us once we’re dead. But that’s our $ philosophy.
So really, what Ange said. If you’re it in for the long haul, you’ll have to have a serious money conversation and both make some compromises and work it out. And then check in every so often. The husband and I check in on finances frequently.
So my 2 cents as I had a big money problem and talk with my BF early in our relationship. I was having problems managing my money and paying off my CC. He helped me and was understanding of my plight. We do cheap night outs for our dates, and I am open with him for what trips and stuff are within my budget. We have created a spreadsheet (he is an engineer if that makes sense :P) for when we do trips together and costs are then split afterwards. Or if one person covers groceries for the weekend, or if we buy someone supplements or items and they need to pay me or him back, we have it recorded.
We also make the same amount, but I am worse at money management (def getting better!) than him, he saves a lot and is very frugal, without it being obnoxious mind you.
In your scenario, he offered to pay for the higher end meal because he suggested it and can afford to do so with his raise. He took the onus and responsibility for the higher cost meal and offered it. Rather than saying lets do the chefs choice and split, or expect you to pay when it is way out of your budget.
I think his spending habits shouldn’t concern you until it starts impacting your time together (ie he can’t split bills anymore or is having you pay more often than him etc). Or if you two are saving to buy a place or move in, which yes you would both need to manage and collaboratively work to save money.
Ultimately, yes you do not know what he makes, but if he isn’t in dire straights then his offer to pay for the higher end meal or date night out when he financially can, shouldn’t be a huge deal. If you are really concerned maybe sit down with him and say that you want to make sure date nights are fair moving forward as you don’t want to go out to places that you/he can’t afford. When splitting expenses ideally equal, or based on your income separately (ie if he makes more he pays for maybe 60% and you 40% of bills and expenses). Whatever that ratio is.
I think that it’s great to want things to be as equal as possible but sometimes it’s not necessary. Like now when he has a bonus and wants to splurge. People do that with friends, family, etc. When you care for someone and enjoy their company sometimes you want to share your special treats.
Of course it’s important to have a bigger talk about money which I think can come once you start to consider combining expenses like rent. Personally I think the whole show me your accounts is invasive but at this point in my life I’d still do it because I’ve been burned. My husband and I made a spreadsheet. Here’s everything I pay, owe and what I take in.
For this, have a great meal and eat a ton of sushi. Money isn’t always about saving. When you work hard and are rewarded sometimes you want to celebrate and share that with those you love. I’ve has friends do so for me and I’ve done so for friends. I don’t think it has to be penny for penny it just has to overall feel equal. My girlfriend and I used to just trade off. She pays one time I pay another. We never felt taken advantage of and I’m sure it wasn’t exactly equal but close enough. The company is often more important than the cash.
My mom always told me thay saving is important but sometimes you just have to spend on yourself or you’ll feel like you’re working for no reward after a while. Sometimes you just have to get that manicure so you can practice a bit of self care amidst the long work hours.
I don’t think you need to have any kind of conversation about this dinner situation, and there’s nothing at all problematic about someone wanting to treat to a nice dinner when they get a promotion. Like JD said, you do have to have nice things sometimes or what’s the point. And if you don’t know what he makes or what he saves… anyway, this doesn’t need to be the occasion to question that. When you get to talking about moving in together, break it down then. There are sooooo many ways to split expenses and figure out saving.
Totally agree with JD, Kate and Cleo about the dinner! I suppose I was addressing long term, not immediate.
I think it’s nice he wants to treat you! It shows he cares. I wouldn’t worry in the least about you not paying your “share.” What’s the point in working hard if you can’t enjoy the now with people you like? Enjoy dinner and don’t worry about “paying” him back.
A few of my girlfriends and I are similar to JD and her friends when they go out. It all works itself out in the end.
Thanks all! I am totally fine with the dinner. It’s a special night out, won’t always happen (I wish! Haha). When we talked we just worked through some miscommunication.
It just brought up some deep rooted feelings. And I am likely jumping the gun here thinking about it.
I understand feeling a little unsure or weird about letting someone treat you to something that’s more than you would spend on yourself! Probably last fall, BG and I went to a restaurant that I’d heard was “good” but didn’t know much about. Turns out it’s a Michelin-starred restaurant and on the pricier end. When the bill came I felt like I couldn’t let him treat me to it, so I offered to split it. He insisted he wanted to, he’d picked the place knowing more about it than I did, so I said ok. It was a nice gesture. I don’t think he would’ve offered if he couldn’t afford it. It’s nice that your boyfriend wants to take you out to a nice dinner to celebrate and “share” his bonus, and I doubt he’d offer if he couldn’t afford it. You don’t need to worry about a larger financial conversation until you’re talking seriously about moving in together — and you don’t know that he’s not saving up notwithstanding things like shopping at Whole Foods or splurging on himself/you.
Some people splurge on clothes, some people splurge on food. I had to learn that my splurge is travel, and his is food.
I would have the financial conversations before you move in together for sure. Moving in means you’re on a serious path, so you’d want to be on the same page. You can still prioritize different things, but as long as you’re open about it you can figure it out.
I will say FMH saw how well I have saved over the years and often defaults to me on money items. That said, I make a significant larger amount than he, and it’s a struggle for me to let him treat me. But he enjoys it when he can, so I have to enjoy HIS enjoyment.
I’d like everyone to be aware that I am sleeping dead center of the bed like a starfish tonight. Husband has a sleep study tonight. Let me tell them what happens, he snores and he steels the covers then blames me even though he clearly has all the covers. Hahahha
Bringing the thread back to dating: BG might be attending his first work event with me tonight. 😮 Still not 100% sure since he just got home from his trip and is jet lagged and a little under the weather + I got roped into working it this a.m. after a volunteer dropped bailed (was supposed to be strictly social for me prior to today). In spring and summer we have more after-hours events, some of which I am expected to attend and some of which are +1-friendly. This one is a fundraiser concert, so it’s more casual and social than other events. This may make me sound kinda bad, but there were guys I went out with in the past that made me think, “Nope. Just nope. This isn’t someone I can see myself bringing to a work function.” Glad I don’t feel that way about BG, haha.
Aw that’s exciting Copa! Have you chatted much about him with your coworkers? I know you said he’s continuing to have a lot of work travel but is this his big return from the trip (since your travelling plans did not align)?
My bf met me quickly for lunch today. He brought Blaze pizza which was $3.14! Soo we are satisfying my frugality hahaha. Happy Pi Day!
