DW Community Catch-up Thread

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    July 9, 2019 at 8:38 pm #847590

    It’s not the SIZE of the weddings that pose the problem. It’s the fact that the SIL is not happy. Understandably so. (How do like so fucking few of you grasp this? Go reread Wendy’s posts a few back.)
    Again —- you wanna start things out this way, you know, needlessly at odds with your inlaws, have at it. But to me it seems fucking stupid as hell.

    July 9, 2019 at 8:52 pm #847592

    I merely pointed out that the Disney wedding shouldn’t be super stressful for anyone involved. Nor should Veritek’s.

    I’ve been to two weddings that were less than 8 weeks apart, one was for my sister and cousin (three weeks apart and all family traveled for both/nearly all of us live in different cities) and the other was me and a close friend that was 7 weeks apart. I was in my wedding then 7 weeks later I was in hers. And I planned her shower/bachelorette. We live in different cities. EDT: I was also planning a wedding with my ex fiancé the same time his sister was planning one. They were a couple months apart. I had my date picked first. And I was engaged first. I was nothing but happy for her and vice versa.

    It’s only a problem if you make it a problem.

    If you read what I wrote, I did say if it makes all the in-laws happy/keep peace, maybe consider changing. We don’t know that the future MIL is throwing a stink though, only the future SIL. Fiancé should talk with his parents and feel them out without sis present.

    And like I said, I’d bet you lots of money sis wouldn’t be happy with anything less then them getting married after her. If I’m wrong then I’ll totally eat my words.

    EDT: I’ve read your posts and Wendy’s word for word. Frankly, I’m baffled by yours, and I almost always agree with you both. Again, to show what I understood both of your viewpoints, read what I wrote about talking to parents/changing dates.

    July 9, 2019 at 8:53 pm #847593

    They already delayed getting engaged to keep SIL happy. By 6 months, which means that Veritek and MoV knew, at about the end of 2018, that they wanted to be married and procreate together. (Right? Someone correct my timeline if I’m wrong here.) So now they are supposed to wait a total of 1.5 years to get married because SIL needs to have 2019 and at least part of 2020 all to herself? Do you also think that they should delay having kids or buying a house until after SIL does? I will concede that perhaps the optics aren’t great and the timing could be construed as a jab at the in-laws, but exactly how far apart do these weddings need to be for Veritek to be in the clear here? If SIL were absolutely adamant that they not get married anytime before her wedding, do you still think that’s a reasonable stance?

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    July 9, 2019 at 8:56 pm #847595

    Oh please. The delayed engagement was THEIR idea. They have no one to blame for themselves about that.

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    July 9, 2019 at 8:59 pm #847596

    How long ago did she set her date again? For what it’s worth, changing your date won’t set a precedent in the future. If you get pregnant before her, what is she going to do. She will be the irrational one if she is annoyed about something you more or less can’t control (like depending on fertility). But you can control the date, if you can use your deposit etc.

    My brother is 35 and the woman he’s been seeing is 37 so I think all this is in the realm of possibility. I kind of think he wouldn’t even think or ask about getting married two months before me if I had the date set. Even by asking you’re hoping she’d say she was ok, right?

    I’m not sure why I’d be annoyed but I would be. I think I’d be stressed out from wedding planning even if I had no role in his wedding. I’d get over it if need be but sure, I’d be miffed. (Also I think there might be cultural reasons that I couldn’t go to my brother’s wedding as it is too many good things—but that’s kind of silly).

    And yet it kind of sucks if you really want a spring wedding, which I get? Just from an outside perspective, yeah, 6 months before or after does make things look better than two. Given the differences in the weddings I don’t think it’d be unreasonable to keep your date. But I do understand where the future SIL is coming from.

    July 9, 2019 at 9:10 pm #847598

    Congratulations, Veritek. Your emerald ring is gorgeous.

    My only thought about your sister-in-law is that maybe they are spending more time and money than they realized, before, when it was discussed. If the day and venue are really important to you, could you have two weddings? Maybe a special ceremony/vow exchange somewhere convenient for his family, and then go on to have a second wedding with your side eight weeks before?

    July 9, 2019 at 9:33 pm #847600

    @Ver for what it’s worth I think you should clear your date with your future parent in-laws rather than you sister in law. Make sure there’s no issue there. Being the brides parents can get really involved and they can potentially really run away with it. My parents really went off the deep end for my wedding. But in a super sweet (and very information fed from me) way.

    As for shower – if she schedules one for your wedding weekend then that’s setting up your future relationship.

    July 10, 2019 at 2:18 am #847614

    Yuuuup, I think SIL is used to saying jump and having everyone say how high. I wouldn’t even be all that interested in cultivating a relationship with her to be honest, she’s never going to be happy unless it’s 100% about her all the time and it’s not worth the effort.

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    July 10, 2019 at 6:24 am #847623

    I’m honestly astounded at all of the people jumping to conclusions about who the SIL is based on what we’re hearing from one side of the story. I’m not saying Veritek is purposely skewing the story to suit her interests….but whenever one has an issue with someone and are looking for validation or whatever from an objective third party, it’s only natural to paint ourselves in the best light possible and to paint the other person in a much different light – knowingly or not.

    Looking purely at the facts, it seems the SIL has come to realize just how stressful planning a wedding is – no matter how big or small said wedding is, there’s still stress involved! Especially when you add in family and the opinions that come with them. Look, I get wanting to honor your grandparents and marry on their wedding anniversary. But is that really what’s most important here? Your in-laws are going to be your family and you want to ensure a good relationship with them – at least in the ways that YOU can control. Is this really the hill you want to die on? If you weigh the importance and significance of that one date, is it really more important than a potential lifetime of discomfort/animosity due to a perceived inflexibility to put yourself in her/your parents-in-law’s shoes?

    This is about your marriage and what you want it to be. Let that be reflected in your wedding. Don’t start off by putting your fiancé in the middle of a big argument. You can only control you and how you act. Be the bigger person and see the other’s side. And then think about the type of wedding you want and when. Don’t assume a wedding six months before hers, in the fall, would also be taboo. Talk with her about it! Explain to her why it’s important to you not to wait well over a whole year post engagement if it’s an issue. Or just do what you like with that much of a time buffer and not worry about her. I just think 8 weeks before hers is too close.

    Also, if you did end up waiting until after her wedding, it doesn’t mean you can’t start trying for kids sooner. Maybe you and he have some feelings on that but it’s not the end of the world if you’re pregnant at the time of your wedding – especially if it’s early pregnancy and you’re not showing yet!

    July 10, 2019 at 10:23 am #847648

    Frankly, I am astonished at the number of people who are supporting spoiled brats reserving and dedicating entire years for their marriages.

    “Ooh the SIL is stressed out with the marriage that is happening a year from now!”
    “Your marriage is not that important! Dance attendance to your nutty SIL otherwise she will throw a tantrum”
    ” SIL’s bridal shower is very important, so postpone your wedding even if you have sentimental value attached to a date that you want”

    For god’s sake, allow women to stand up for what they think is important. And set their own wedding dates.

    While getting along with in-laws is wonderful, all the effort should not be from the bride. Bowing down to every unreasonable request is not the way to earn acceptance from them.

    It is true We don’t know whether the SIL is a bridezilla. But if someone asked their brother to postpone his engagement and then his wedding instead of being supportive and happy for him, I think we can draw our own conclusions as to the nature of that person.

    As ktfran mentioned above, it is a problem only if the SIL chose to make it a problem. Sensible people will try to make it work.

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    July 10, 2019 at 11:10 am #847650

    I’m with you, Lianne. This thread baffles me. Completely. ?

    July 10, 2019 at 11:20 am #847651

    It just seems as simple to me as, yeah, I could anticipate that a sister might be a little annoyed to have her sibling jump in with a wedding date 8 weeks before her booked date. And that might cause some unwanted family dynamics. So maybe fiancé should have cleared it first with his mom and sister to avoid putting his wife-to-be in an awkward spot. No one’s a brat or a bridezilla necessarily, it’s just one of those things you have to tiptoe around a bit.

    Personally I would change my date now, before they come at me and ask me to. Because they might, and then I’m really in a one-down position. Doing it proactively would give me more power.

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