Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Anyone going on awesome dates?

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This topic contains 9,285 replies, has 87 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ange 2 days, 2 hours ago.

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  • #849728 Reply
    veritek33
    veritek33
    Participant

    @DearWendy he did move back in and live with the parents for about a year to save up for a house, but then ended up moving in with me instead. He’d lived outside the home for college, and apartments with roommates for several years afterward.

    She’s never left home.

    #849730 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Ok, interesting. That explains some stuff. Definitely get some pre-marital counseling. I’d get a pre-nup, too.

    #849731 Reply
    veritek33
    veritek33
    Participant

    Am I doomed here? Am I supposed to be reading between the lines here?

    #849735 Reply

    I think the fact that he and his parents allow her to attack you and do nothing in the moment to address it is a big warning sign. He doesn’t stand up for you. This is a lot like when we say “you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a partner problem,” except sub in your SIL. She’s a problem, but he should be handling it, not you.

    #849736 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    I haven’t followed this thread as closely as others so I may be confused about some details, but my understanding is that your fiancé was living at home with his parents and sister when you two started dating and for most of your early relationship. Then he moved in with you and when you decided you wanted to get married, he suggested you wait six months so as not to step on his sister’s toes since she’d just gotten engaged. And then when the six months were up, he proposed but and pretty much agreed to whatever you wanted, wedding-wise, until his sister expressed rage, at which point, he just sort of cowered and let you deal with it. Is that right? And you are really, really angry at his sister, who I guess lives near you all (meaning, your lives are going to be intertwined, whether you like it or not) and saying you’re going to skip her wedding come hell or high water and the first month of your engagement has been stressful and miserable because of her, and, I’m just saying there’s a lot here to unpack. A month is a teeny drop in the bucket when you’re talking about a lifetime together. This is going to be your family, and it sounds like it’s a family that has not established clear boundaries as four independent adults. And some of that – a lot of that, really – is on your fiancé. Counseling can help address some of this. The pre-nup suggestion is based solely on the fact that he was living at home as an adult to save money and then moved directly in with you, without time in between to be financially independent and you should just protect yourself.

    So: no, not doomed. But there are some wrinkles here that need a little ironing before you legally tie yourself to your fiancé and, by extension, his family.

    #849740 Reply
    veritek33
    veritek33
    Participant

    You’re both right – there is a lot to unpack here. And yes Wendy you got most of that right. His parents and sister live about two hours away, so far enough I don’t have to see them often but close enough we are involved in each others’ lives.

    And we do agree on counseling and we need to find a good one soon. He’s not really had to step up to defend us before, but he definitely didn’t when the time came, and that was very disappointing. He’s very thoughtful about things like that and he didn’t want to blow up in front of his grandpa (yeah grandpa was at dinner too during all this) and so he was trying to reign it in (his words.) Though, I still wanted him to say something to either end the discussion or defend our choices and he didn’t. So that’s definitely a problem. His mom was telling me how he’s really come out of his shell since meeting me and become so much happier, and I think some of it is because he’s left that house.

    The house is in my name and I’m not sure about the laws in my state regarding that so I will look into that. In my will all my other stuff is left to a friend and her kids.

    #849741 Reply
    Lianne
    lianne

    Your will doesn’t take effect if the marriage doesn’t work out. That’s what a pre-nup will protect.

    #849742 Reply
    veritek33
    veritek33
    Participant

    Oh I understand Lianne, just saying there’s not much to take. But it’s worth considering and I can have an attorney friend let me know my options for sure.

    #849743 Reply
    MaterialsGirl
    MaterialsGirl
    Participant

    One of the biggest things I had to learn is that you can still be polite (if that’s important to you) and stand up for oneself/family. A lot of times people don’t say anything in the moment because they don’t want to appear rude or whatever.. but look at where that has gotten us as a society.
    It’s the bless your heart, those comments aren’t welcome, and goodbye now. All perfectly succinct.

    #849744 Reply
    Lianne
    lianne

    Oh, ok. Your comment about a will made me think you didn’t understand.

    #849747 Reply
    veritek33
    veritek33
    Participant

    Sorry Lianne I didn’t word it well, just to say that I don’t have much beyond the house and what I do have doesn’t have his name on it as a beneficiary yet.

    MG – I am trying to have a decent relationship with my in laws, or at least I was until Sunday. I adore his mother and I think the sister bullies her too, so I do want to be “polite” but I’m tired of being “nice” to her at least.

    When they got engaged I got her a basket of wedding magazines and a fun cup and things I knew she’d like to celebrate, I’ve asked about all her plans, asked about her dress, etc., wanting to express interest and be involved. Anything she’s asked me about my wedding was so that she could turn it around on me during this dinner Sunday night.

    #849753 Reply
    MaterialsGirl
    MaterialsGirl
    Participant

    @veritek, I was more referring to MoV, I know you have been putting in a good effort. I’m really disappointed for you that he didn’t handle it well, and I’m glad you said something to him later about it, but that doesn’t mean it’s over with.

    Are you feeling any less anxious today? Or are you in that post-emotion sinkhole now?

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