Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › DW Community Catch-up Thread (Formerly ‘Anyone going on awesome dates?’)
Tagged: I HAQ
- This topic has 11,342 replies, 97 voices, and was last updated 14 hours, 58 minutes ago by Ange.
I have out-earned every one of my exes by at least double, often more. It’s actually been a problem the other way because, for example, my last ex (and longest relationship), he made something like $20k/year or less (no idea how he made that work) and I made 4x that. I’ve been single for several years now between getting over my last ex and my health issues, and managed to get to a fairly good single-person salary (I had a number I wanted to hit by 40 which I hit at 38, and now I have a number I want to hit by 42 so here’s hoping)…but still not one where I could afford a single family home with a yard in this area on my own. I get nervous about the future sometimes finance wise, but I mean, a man is not a financial plan.
Also, my parents are getting a divorce at 70 years old and now have to divide up almost 50 years worth of assets, investments, property, inheritances, etc. It looks horrible. I’m convinced that if/when I do find a partner, I will not co-mingle my finances with him in any way to protect myself. Look at me, 40 and jaded. Heh.
My parents divorced in their late 60s and omg the mess. Per the divorce agreement, they were supposed to sell the house they owned together no later than 2020 and until then, my mom was the one who would live there. My dad got a townhouse nearby. Well, 2020 came and went without the house being put on the market. And then at some point last year or two, my dad decided he shouldn’t have to pay for his share of the marital home + his townhouse, so he moved himself back in against my mom’s wishes (or so she says, IMO she didn’t really do much of anything to prevent him from moving back in). I’ve stopped visiting because I can’t being in the house with them together. Their marriage has been a wild ride to witness and they’ve left me pretty terrified of legally tethering myself to anyone.
Woah, what’s their relationship like now as divorced roommates? They don’t share a bedroom, do they?
No, they don’t share a room. It’s a *very* long story, but the TL/DR is that my dad is a semi-closeted gay man who married a woman. Because Catholicism. Any romantic relationship has effectively been over for a couple of decades. I’ve never fully understood why their marriage didn’t end then, though I know my mom felt trapped for a variety of reasons. Their relationship has been anywhere from fine to really bad over the years. Right now it seems outwardly fine, but I doubt it is actually fine (my mom is deeply resentful and, among other things, thinks my dad steals from her) and I think the arrangement is so stupid. (My dad bought a condo in my city last year and now makes the six-hour drive to spend every weekend here, then heads back. He is retired and literally has a second place he could be full-time but for some reason that’s not his plan.) I live a few states away now but as of a few years ago, refuse to visit/stay in the house if both parents will be there.
Yeah, I don’t blame you. Sounds pretty toxic!TheLadyEGuest
@Copa that is going to be me exactly except my dad had an affair for 4 years with one of his (middle aged, female) grad students (he was a professor) and my mom discovered it randomly one day in October 2021. LORD ABOVE it’s been a rollercoaster. My dad will not leave their house because he refuses to pay for another place to live since “he owns half the house” (he lives in their finished apartment downstairs except when he needs something from the upstairs) and my mother gets panic attacks at being around him so she’s been staying between mine and my sister’s houses for the past year (NC and MA, their house is in PA). They’re going through the process of divorce but it’s such a legal mess that I’m not sure she’ll even do it at this point, she goes back and forth. We tried Christmas with them together in 2021 (when my dad was pretending he had given up the other woman – spoiler alert, he hadn’t) and it was awful, with my mom randomly crying all the time and them taking long walks and fighting. They were back and forth for a year and now their relationship is over. My parents were seemingly contentedly (I wouldn’t necessarily say “happily,” but like, in a partnership enough?) married for all of our childhoods. My sister and I are 32 and 40. It’s a nightmare. I never saw this happening at this age…so it just goes to show, you never know.
Wow I’m such a ray of sunshine today, lol.
Wow, that’s intense, LadyE. How did you all handle the most recent holiday season?
I’m sorry about your parents, @TheLadyE! It is hard. I know holiday drama well at this point. Incidentally, spending the holidays together a few years ago was what prompted me to make the boundary that I’d never set foot in their house again if they were both inside together. Christmas Eve dinner was so uncomfortable that I had no reaction left in me but to laugh aloud like a maniac, which made my mom angry because she thought I was laughing at her/them, and chaos ensued the rest of the night. We’ve seen them since together for holiday dinners, hosted at my place or my sister’s, and while it’s still not great, it’s better. I’ve agreed to those dinners for my sister. Anyway, I know you didn’t ask for advice, but I highly recommend setting whatever boundaries preserve your own mental health and avoiding their drama to the extent you are able. I’m sure divorcing after so many years is very painful, sad, and scary, but my mental wellbeing sure improved when I stopped humoring my parents.RangerchicParticipant
So sorry about the toxic parent relationships! My parents should never have married…maybe they loved each other at some point? Maybe not. But mom got pregnant with me at 18 and so they got married. I’m the oldest of four. Dad had a temper and mom didn’t know how to leave. Until about 7 years ago after being married for about 40 years she left him. Even though she’s the one that left, she’s bitter, sad, angry and lonely at all the time she wasted staying with him.
Dad is now remarried (to someone who looks a lot like my mom, it’s kind of weird). Mom is just surviving. She tried in the beginning to complain about dad but I put my foot down and said get therapy they’ll be able to help you more than I can. But she won’t do that either.
Not nearly the drama that y’all have! And since I live a few states away, even less for me than my siblings – I think they are jealous of me living far away 🙂TheLadyEGuest
This last holiday season my mom spent in Boston with my sister, my dad was in PA and I was alone. It wasn’t the best; I missed my family. I had just seen them for Thanksgiving/my birthday so it was ok, but we definitely need to find a better solution next year. It’s a mess.
I’m sorry the holidays were hard for you @TheLadyE. I hope you guys find a new normal that works for everyone in the coming years.
@Rangerchic My mom went to therapy a handful of years ago but it was short-lived. She’ll literally bring up old grievances between her and my dad that happened like 15 years ago. Like you, I’ve told her I will not be a sounding board. My sister and I both live in the same city now. There is distance between us and my parents but my sister’s approach is different than mine. Her take is that she knows they’ll never change so she’ll tolerate it to spend time with them. I’m done tolerating it.
I just signed up to do something frivolous that I am excited for. I keep seeing “color analysis” videos pop up on my social media, where a stylist helps you find your “season” and the palette of colors that look most flattering on you. A friend of a friend just started working at a very small photography company and she and her team of all women went as a team thing, she said it was a blast and pretty interesting. So anyway, I just made an appointment.