Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Apartment Share Rule

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  • This topic has 22 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by avatarSpaceySteph.
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  • #842996 Reply


    I am just looking for advice on the best way to handle this situation.

    I will be moving in with my boyfriend in the apartment he is already living in with a guy and another guy who will be moving in at the same time as me as the couple currently living there will be moving out either end of next month or July.

    My boyfriend is all about keeping the guy who will be staying happy. So as a result of this his rent will be slightly reduced and the bills will be split evenly even though 1 of the bills is a sports package that neither me or my boyfriend will be watching. He wants to have friends over every Saturday for drinks and have this girl he is casually seeing stay the weekend and 1 or 2 nights during the week which I am actually all fine with.

    The one thing that is non-negotiable with me is this guy smokes weed and he is looking to smoke in the sitting room of the apartment which to me is disgusting. That is fine if he wants to smoke but it shouldn’t be in the apartment.
    I’m just looking for advice on how best to explain this to my boyfriend who actually already knows I hate it and the smell or if people think I am completely in the wrong to say so as well.

    #843000 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    If you hate the smell of pot, you shouldn’t move in with someone who smokes it, just like if you hated cigarette smoke you shouldn’t move in with someone who smokes cigarettes, and if you hates cats (how dare you!) you shouldn’t move in with someone who has cats. If something is a non-negotiable for you, you don’t move into a home where that something exists.

    #843003 Reply

    Is there no way you and bf can afford an apartment with no roommates? If not, it’s okay to be really direct about your no smoking in the apartment need. That’s a NORMAL request – I would never live with someone who smoked anything indoors. Just be clear and direct. Then you, your boyfriend, and the roommate can decide the best next step. Maybe roommate will decide he can smoke other places and it won’t be a big deal. Maybe he will put his foot down, and you don’t move in. All you can do is talk openly about it and see. Don’t compromise your needs – that’s a bad way to start living with a partner.

    #843006 Reply

    He is not allowed smoke in the apartment at the moment as the current housemate also doesn’t like the smell of smoke.

    I agree I wouldn’t choose to live with someone like that but that is who my boyfriend is living with and the rent is so cheap. It would be so expensive at the moment if we were to get a place just the 2 of us.

    #843008 Reply

    Do you really want to live like that? Why is everything centered on the one roommate and what he wants? You don’t like it, that’s reason enough, especially if that’s been the deal all along. If they won’t make this one concession for you, it really doesn’t bode well for you being happy, respected, etc.

    I would suggest finding a different place to live. It’s nice to have a place to get some space from a bf, or a house full of bros.

    #843014 Reply

    Are you also an equal paying roommate, or is your BF the roommate and you’re just staying with him?

    Because if you are a full paying roommate, you have a say in what goes on.

    If you aren’t, you don’t.

    #843015 Reply

    I agree it isn’t fair this roommate gets everything his own way.

    As I mentioned this is the only concession I have and that is more a health and overall smell that would seep into the apartment as this guy smokes every day and I don’t want that smell while I am eating my food or on my clothes.

    #843016 Reply

    I will be a full paying housemate so I feel it does give me the right to say this and especially before the habit starts because once it does there will be no stopping it.

    #843017 Reply

    You all need to decide on how you are going to handle disagreements in general. Is it simple majority vote? Are there things that are hard stops, regardless of how many people are on board?

    It’s going to come down to whether the rule decided is a non-negotiable thing for the two of you. If he won’t live somewhere he can’t smoke, and you won’t live somewhere that someone smokes – one of you really needs to not live there. Which one will depend on how you all, as roommates, decide whether this is going to be a rule or not.

    Personally, I’m with you, in that smoking in the house is disgusting, but I’m not one of your roommates, so my opinion doesn’t mean anything.

    #843021 Reply

    I would absolutely not move in unless and until you have some assurance that this guy will not be smoking in the house, and that if he does, your boyfriend and other roommate will have your back. (Is smoking allowed in the house by the lease? Is it legal where you live? You could get into hot water with your landlord and lose your deposit, if the smell gets into walls/carpets.)

    Personally, with your bf already making all these concessions to the remaining roommate, I’d think long and hard before moving in. Sometimes paying more rent is 100% worth it for your quality of life.

    #843022 Reply

    Suggest he try edibles.

    #843023 Reply

    You have to say that it’s a condition of you moving in, that the no smoking inside the apt rule stays in place. Meaning if they won’t agree to that, you can’t move in. If they won’t, that’s a sign that this is not the right arrangement at this time. There’s no good reason your bf’s shouldn’t be okay with keeping that rule in place.

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