February 12, 2020 at 12:21 pm #875030SkyblossomParticipant
You can’t change your husband. You take him or leave him as he is. The question you need to ask is whether you can be happy continuing to live with him as you live now. What you have now is what you will continue to have. Do you want to live this way or do you want change? If you want change you have to create that change which will mean taking yourself out of the situation.February 20, 2020 at 7:46 pm #875919mellantheParticipant
You can’t change someone.
If two people care about each other, they can try to do better; we can learn to be more thoughtful, and learn more about our partner and therefore communicate better and do better by each other. But this is because we try. He has to recognise that he’s hurting you and want to change. And even then, if the change is too big, people can’t do it.
You can work hard to be a better version of yourself, but you’re not gonna be able to flip your personality.
But we can’t fundamentally change our entire selves. If you say he lacks empathy, he’ll never be on the same empathetic wavelengh as you. If he doesn’t try at all, he’s not suddenly going to become caring or try a lot.
But really, more importantly, you’ve been married to him for years. How he is is old news. You’ve stayed with him for 10 years, what kept you with him during that time and kept you sane? It’s hard to say if he can change, and whether therapy will change him into someone close enough to you that you’ll feel OK with him. You need to think aboyt whether he is being a good partner to you, and whether you’re gettig what you need from your relationship. And what you might need to do in your life to be happy.
You can’t control his actions and make him want to change, or change, but you can control yours.February 20, 2020 at 9:56 pm #875936bloodymediocrityParticipant
Just because there is a good reason someone has turned into an inconsiderate asshole doesn’t mean…
1) That they aren’t an asshole
2) That they want to change
3) That they are going to change
Has he ever expressed remorse about how he treats you? Has he ever interacted with you in a way that wasn’t somehow a benefit to himself? Has he ever supported you in anything, or given any reason to believe that he would?
If not, don’t hold out hope for change. You can either accept him as he is, or you can leave. Don’t hold your breath for change, you will pass out.