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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Apprehensive about picking wedding date

Home Forums Advice & Chat Apprehensive about picking wedding date

  • This topic has 5 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 6 months ago by ron.
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  • #1110111 Reply
    MillieMouse
    Guest

    Hello

    I am hoping for some advice please.

    I met my now partner 5 and half years ago. About 18 months into our dating and relationship he proposed and I gladly and happily accept.

    Here we are a few years down the track, and he wants to get moving at picking a date and organize plans for a wedding.

    I live in a country where weddings are big affairs and often can be 2 day events. Me and my partner are different. He would love the big event. I would love something small and casual and stress free.

    I am apprehensive about picking a date at this time for a wedding.
    He wants to pick a date.

    I haven’t told him yet that I am apprehensive to pick a date.

    He’s suggesting next weekend to visit a hotel to view their wedding packages. My heart is just not in it right now. The expense of a wedding not to mention the inflation that’s happening and price rises in energy and oil. I suppose the time is just so uncertain.

    Does that make sense?

    #1110112 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It makes sense to me, but that doesn’t matter. You have to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling. You also have to listen to how he feels, and the two of you need to figure this wedding situation out in a way that you’ll both feel good about.

    Do you want to be married to this guy? Does it make you happy to think about a life with him?

    #1110116 Reply
    peggy
    Guest

    Could the discrepancy in the type of ceremony you each want be part of the issue? Maybe the big splashy affair idea is causing you stress? Like Kate says you need to talk with him about all this.
    As far as uncertain world events and high cost of living etc., those are true concerns. However, there will always/could always be “something”. In fact, you could plan a perfect wedding day when the/your world seems more settled and calm, and things could still ” go wrong”….torrential rains, service staff strike, lost rings etc. Most important to be certain about him than what the world is up to.
    As Kate said, talk this out with him. It will help you in choosing what is right for you both, or help you see that maybe you don’t want a wedding at all. Good luck!

    #1110210 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I think it all makes sense but what doesn’t make sense is why you haven’t said anything to him about these feelings. Are you hesitant for reasons other than the size of wedding he wants and the costs of oil?
    Four years I would consider a long engagement and that makes me think there are more reasons for your hesitation.

    If there are no other reasons, you need to speak up and be honest about what you want and what will make you happy. If you are planning to spend the rest of your life with him, you need to be able to communicate well about the things that you care about. Premarital counseling might be a good idea if this isn’t the first time you’ve found yourself unable to speak up.

    #1110212 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I think you’re appropriately raising concerns and I think you have to have some meaningful conversations with your boyfriend.

    1. Why are you hesitant to share your thoughts and feelings. That is a HUGE red flag that you can’t be upfront and honest about your needs and feelings. Why is that?

    2. You have financial concerns about a wedding. Who would be fitting the bill and what will you be giving up to pay for it? Have you discussed finances and how you’ll manage money as a married couple? Will you have separate accounts, joint accounts, separate and shared accounts? Who will pay the bills? Will you pay equal shares? Shares based on income? How will you make big financial decisions?

    3. The stress of a big wedding is often on the bride because she has some vision of that day. And so she ends up planning all of it. If you could be handed a schedule of when you need to show up and when things were happening and all you had to do was find a dress and pick out your hairstyle, could you deal with a big wedding? Or is the stress more about the financials? And again – see item 1 – why can’t you talk about this?

    #1110216 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    No, it’s not foolish not to pick a wedding date now. I don’t see how you can pick a date. You can’t set a date, until you find a suitable venue which is available on the possible dates of interest. You can’t begin to investigate venues, as your bf suggests, until you and he agree on the sort of wedding you want to have. That has to come before investigating possible venues.

    Reading between the lines (possibly wrongly) this sounds like a battle between what he or his parents will regard as ‘big enough’ not to cause them to feel humiliated and what whomever is paying for this (your parents?) can afford (or possibly the largest crowd that you can tolerate for two days).

    Not much specific advice possible, without more detail from you, but two basics:

    1) decide whether you actually still want to marry this guy. If the answer to that is yes, then

    2) the unavoidable first step is that you and bf need to reach an agreement on what the wedding is going to look like. You then need to get agreement from whomever is paying for wedding.

    If you and bf can’t reach agreement on 2nd basic, then you need to decide whether marriage or staying with bf is more important to you. If you can’t agree on basic parameters today, that is unlikely to improve in future. You mention inflation — deflation is rare, once wedding costs inflate, they aren’t likely to go down significantly in the future.

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