Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

are my standards too high?

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  • #857095 Reply

    I really want to meet a girl who will love 100 percent of me. All of the girls that I am attracted too don’t. I have met girls that have liked me, but I’m not attracted to them. people tell me that attraction isn’t as important as personality. I don’t believe this.

    Think about it! Ladies, If i came up to you and said, I don’t find you that attractive, but it’s okay because your personality compensates enough for me to want to pursue a relationship with you. Or some people will say that you will eventually grow to have an attraction towards them as you get to know them.” Hey I didn’t think you were very attractive, but after I got to know you, your personality really began to highlight the positive features of your physical appearance enough to the point to where I would like to pursue a relationship with you.

    I don’t want to love 50 percent of my wife. I want to be able to say I love 100 percent of my Wife. Looks and personality. Yeah looks fade away, but Im not gonna let the future Ifs decide what I’m looking for right now.

    #857113 Reply

    I mean, yeah, your standards are probably too high if you’re not getting anywhere with the women you’re attracted to. You’re probably shooting out of your league.

    I don’t really understand what you’re saying in your second paragraph because it’s so badly written, but yeah, if you walked up to me and said literally anything but “excuse me, do you know where ___ is,” I would tell you to go fuck yourself. So you may have a point there, whatever you were trying to say.

    In your life, do you do everything 100%? Do you get a 100 on every test? Every performance review? Are you a 100% perfect friend? Do you have a 100% perfect diet and exercise program? Is your room/apartment 100% clean? Are you a perfect 10? Do you give a woman an orgasm 100% of the time?

    Didn’t think so. It’s not realistic to think you’re going to be 100% attracted to 100% of everything about your partner. I doubt anyone is. But yeah, keep holding out for that – as long as you’re perfect in every way, you deserve a 100% perfect partner.

    #857130 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker

    Thinking like that will keep you either single or in relationships that are mediocre (at best) for the rest of your life. Physical attraction is only one component of a healthy, happy relationship. Genuine, loving relationships are formed and grounded by intellectual and emotional connections. So yes, unless you’ve just expressed your thoughts incredibly poorly you are being shallow and really need to reevaluate your thoughts about long-term partnerships. There’s a reason for the old saying “looks fade, so we’d better have something to talk about”.

    #857134 Reply

    You sound like the typical male “6” who INSISTS he can somehow magically land a perfect “10.” NEWSFLASH: that only happens to multi-millionaires.

    #857139 Reply
    avatarSea Witch

    Do you even want a relationship? Because this sort of perfectionism is often practiced by people who think they *should* want to be with somebody but feel they’re abnormal for actually preferring a single life. So they come up with all sorts of reasons why they just never have found the right person.
    Sexual attraction isn’t love. You can actually feel love for someone you feel lukewarm lust for, and it’s equally possible to feel lust for someone you don’t even like very much.

    #857141 Reply

    I second Kate’s thoughts. We all are flawed persons. We cannot expect everything to be 100%, and you cannot expect that level of “attraction” to you from your significant other. It is simply not realistic. About the second paragraph, you simply don’t tell someone you started to fancy that (unless you are kinda wrecked, like me). Kidding! Or not.

    You may sound as shallow. Try not to walk that path.

    #857143 Reply

    Quite honestly, it definitely sounds like you’re trying to date women who are completely out of your league. You sound very shallow. How’s that working out for you? Clearly, you know that it’s not. There’s a man on another thread who’s been single most of his adult life because his standards are so specific. I think you should save yourself years of loneliness and never getting the woman you want and see a therapist now. You will never meet a good partner with the attitude you have. Why should any of those women be interested in you? It’s very likely they notice your interest in superficialities and are turned off.

    #857238 Reply

    Dan Savage talks a lot about ‘the one’ and how it’s a total myth, that we need to be looking for our 0.67 or 0.75 and rounding them up to one because that’s really an excellent find.

    Read more from him here about the price of admission to have a happy relationship. Hint: it’s not being a stickler

    #857469 Reply

    You sound like a jerk. And you’re shooting out of your league. You can’t expect anyone to fulfill all your needs, that’s totally unrealistic and unreasonable. It’s also unreasonable to expect anyone to like you 100%. Dating is all about what kind of compromises you’re willing to make and where your personal deal-breakers are.

    And another thing, never, ever tell anyone out loud how high (or low) you rate them as. That’s guaranteed to kill any remaining interest.

    #857533 Reply

    As far as personality, intelligence and integrity, you come across as 100% a “0”. That might -just maybe- be your problem.

    #857542 Reply

    You seem like a shallow jerk, so yes, your standards are too high because I don’t see how anyone could love 100% of you when part of the package you bring to the table includes this bizarre, shitty attitude.

    Think about it! A woman could come up to you and say, I don’t find you that attractive because not only are your looks imperfect, but your bad personality drags your overall desirability down even further, so I would never want to pursue a relationship with you.

    #858618 Reply

    I feel sorry for you.

    “people tell me that attraction isn’t as important as personality. I don’t believe this.”

    Why? Why don’t you believe this? Have you ever given a woman that isn’t drop dead gorgeous a chance?

    I can tell you that it is absolutely 100% true what is quoted above. I’ve dated people that I was incredibly attracted to from the onset, but over time their personalities made them ugly. And then one day, I met this guy… Was the attraction immediate? No, I will admit it was not. Was my first thought, man, I wish I could tear this guy’s clothes off right now!! Nope. But, over time I got to know this guy, and he became so incredibly attractive to me. So attractive, I married the guy, and we’ve had nearly 10 happy years together. Is he 100% perfect? Hell no. Am I 100% perfect. Bigger hell no. But, if you’re looking for 100%, you’re going to end up with 0%. That’s way too much hype, and no woman can live up to that.

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