Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

are my standards too high?

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  • This topic has 20 replies, 89 voices, and was last updated 5 months ago by avatarron.
Viewing 9 posts - 13 through 21 (of 21 total)
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  • #858625 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    You understand that the most beautiful people on the planet still are gross as hell and get diarrhea, pick their noses and all sorts of gross stuff right?

    You’re looking for perfection and that doesn’t exist. You’re also looking for blind adoration and that too doesn’t exist, at least it’s not sustainable.

    There are plenty of stories about guys and girls going out with the most amazingly attractive people and never wanting to see them again because they (the attractive folks) were either self obsessed, idiotic or just toxic.

    I predict a very lonely life for you.

    #859002 Reply
    avatarmoe
    Guest

    When you marry someone, you are marrying a human being. We all have flaws. We all build connections with people slightly differently. Even a wonderful match for you is going to have some qualities you dislike. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be attracted to someone you date, but feeling like they have to be flawless is silly.

    #859018 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    “Hey I didn’t think you were very attractive, but after I got to know you, your personality really began to highlight the positive features of your physical appearance enough to the point to where I would like to pursue a relationship with you.”

    You know what? That’s often exactly the way it works. That’s how it worked with my partner. I wouldn’t have picked him out as the handsomest man in the room, just an average guy, but he was smart and kind and funny as hell, and endlessly interesting to talk with. The more I liked him, the better-looking he got. Now he looks like the handsomest man in the room to me.

    You have very unrealistic ideas about how relationships work, and I’d guess that’s because you haven’t had a real relationship. Try it. Try dating. Stop looking for perfection, because you’ll never find it. It doesn’t exist. Look for someone who’s pleasing to your eye, even if they’re not a supermodel. Look for someone who’s smart and interesting and fun and kind.

    #859049 Reply
    avatarcsp
    Guest

    Have you ever thought why you find certain things attractive? Like is it that you love certain women because of a reason. Do short girls make you feel big and strong? Do you like supermodels because you used to have a poster on your wall? Look at your why and what having a girl like that on your arm means to you. Because beauty is different based on culture, race, and time period.

    Also, by working on this premise, is it a way to stay away from intimacy and rejection? Look, most people have a type. But if your standards are so high that people closest to you are commenting, I think it is time for introspection.

    #859691 Reply
    avatarwmsm
    Participant

    I only discovered Dear Wendy a couple of months ago, but I have been reading advice columns my entire adult life. I feel like you might be well suited to hanging around the Dr. Nerdlove community which is specifically geared toward dating (https://www.doctornerdlove.com/). The second Q/A on this page is your exact situation:

    “The first rule of dating, DWS, is that you have the right to set your standards wherever you want to. If you decide that the only women you’re interested in are 6-foot tall opera singers who resemble Lupita Nyong’o but with Mass Effect tattoos, well, hey, you do you.

    But you have to go into that understanding that just because you want something doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to get it. One of the things that drives me crazy in pop-culture is the way that we’re taught that expecting near-perfection means that the universe is obligated to provide you with someone who meets that level and that “settling” is some sort of moral failing.”

    https://www.doctornerdlove.com/ask-dr-nerdlove-have-to-settle/

    And this is a more general discussion of the topic:
    https://www.doctornerdlove.com/building-attraction-which-matters-more-looks-personality/

    #860253 Reply
    avatarRobert123
    Participant

    I’m not exactly the best person to be giving advice right now, but your thread really struck a chord. I am 45 and still single, and recently realized, because of the advice given to *me* via my own thread in this forum, that I myself was making a “list” of the perfect match. I was a good dater in my 20s, but only because I had not discovered all of the qualities on my list. I was even in a relationship for over a year and a half. I dated a little bit after we broke up, but everything else for 15 years has been total failure for me, because I was just as fixated as you on her wanting to love 100% of me.

    The thing is, it seems as though your list is far more restrictive than mine ever was, and I can find you 15 people right now who would agree that *mine* was unrealistically restrictive. You seem to have a list of physical characteristics, as well. I’ll tell you, my XGF was drop dead gorgeous. That was a huge bonus for me. I’m not going to lie. Do physical characteristics (pretty face, long hair, thin physique, etc) get my attention…hell yes!! C’mon. But, I find that physical characteristics are the first things i “trade” for deeper personality traits, and even common interests.

    Point being, my own list never included physical features as must haves, all were personality characteristics, and that alone has caused me to be lonely at age 45. You never mentioned your age, but please, oh please, re-eveluate what you are doing. Do not end up like me. You cannot get the time back, so please do not waste it looking for perfection. It does not exist. If I had not done what you are doing right now, I would not be entering my 17th consecutive Christmas season with no girlfriend.

    I’m sharing my own personal experience hoping that you, somehow, do not end up like me. I do not wish this on you.

    #860570 Reply
    avatarAllornone
    Guest

    When I first met my man, I thought he looked kind of arrogant, like he could easily be a douche. Plus, long hair has always been a huge turn-on for me, and I never gave dating a bald boy like him much thought. That was 8 years ago, and I can safely say no man has ever turned me on the way he turns me on today (and for the last five years). Is he perfect? Nope. There are things he does (though not many of them) that drive me absolutely nuts. And oh boy, am I as far road from perfect; don’t even get me started. But we work as a couple and love each other very deeply. Your ideas of what makes a good relationship are shallow and reek of immaturity/inexperience. Tbh, they make you seem like a jark. I would reevaluate some things if I were you.

    #868334 Reply
    avatarcdobbs
    Guest

    i can understand if you want a superficial relationship that physical attraction would be the most important….but in a real relationship there has to be more than just the physical…..you need chemistry, good communication and enjoy being in each other’s company….if its just 2 super attractive people then once the physical novelty wears off what else is there?

    #868340 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    cdobbs —
    No need to bother. He seems just another incel board guy who came here to drop a bomb. It is all about what he is owed, not about what he can contribute to a relationship.

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