Are they my friends?

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  • Coming to terms with Reality
    September 8, 2022 at 1:11 pm #1115897

    I am writing to ask for advice on a seemingly obvious matter.
    I have written about this topic earlier too. I am a mom of 2 who is also dealing with an unwell mom (who is staying with me for 6 months) due to an accident. She needs help with all daily activities including going to the bathroom most of the time, which will continue for the next few months. I am sunk in household chores most of the time on top of working a full time job. Due to that I’ve been unresponsive on a few friend group texts/chats for the last 3 months. I just don’t feel in the mood for chit chat with all the stress going on in my life. I am just trying to come to terms with the fact that these people are really not my friends AT ALL. Since none of them have reached out to me during this time to ask how I am doing, barring one person who was travelling the last 3 months. When she got back she did text me to ask how I was doing and I told her about my mom. Since a lot of festivals are coming up around this time, on most of these group chats the women are all planning festivities and what events to attend together. Its just 6 people in the group and I am the only one who is not responding at all. I feel sad and bitter and a fool to not have realized that these people are not friends. Don’t real friends reach out when you fall silent?

    Reply
    ron
    September 8, 2022 at 4:01 pm #1115918

    People have many reasons for going silent, including fading away/ghosting.

    Why didn’t you drop your friends a very brief note alerting them to your situation, rather than just going silent?

    Reply
    Martha
    September 8, 2022 at 4:55 pm #1115923

    I did think of a note but then stopped midway when I thought of the question that I asked in my original post above. I just told myself “what’s the point?”
    Also when ppl are talking about parties and planning festivities its super hard to write suddenly write a note about illness/ accidents etc

    Reply
    ron
    September 8, 2022 at 7:32 pm #1115939

    I meant to post a quick update when you first thought you needed to disengage. If you continued to follow the group, depending upon what platform you were using, they could tell that you were silently following.

    Reply
    Martha
    September 8, 2022 at 11:39 pm #1115945

    Well even I were silently following and not replying couldn’t even one of them reach out? The fact is that I am not silently following, those are watsapp groups that I get message previews for on my phone, so I mostly know the topics of discussion. But I haven’t opened the groups and read the actual messages so anybody in the grp can tell I haven’t been reading the msgs.

    Reply
    Helen
    September 9, 2022 at 8:27 am #1115947

    You stopped talking to them. That’s probably why they stopped talking to you

    Reply
    LisforLeslie
    September 9, 2022 at 8:52 am #1115950

    Aside from the group chats, and before this stressful period, were you reaching out to them separately from the chats? Did they reach out to you?

    They can’t read your mind – you said you’re stressed to one friend. Have you reached out to ask for help?Have you reached out to have a venting session? What have you done in the past to set the expectation that silence = check in? Have you taken that action if someone else was limiting their participation?

    What do you need and have you asked for it? If not, don’t blame them, again… no ESP.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    September 9, 2022 at 9:41 am #1115957

    No one knows what is going on, correct? You have in a way, dropped off the face of the earth, yet they keep including your in their messages. You just don’t open them. I understand how emotionally and physically drained you must be, I mean I can imagine. But, do they know what you’re going through?

    No one can read your mind. If you considered them friends, why haven’t you told them how hard you are struggling?

    And yes, I feel sorry they haven’t offered help or reached out. That must feel really hard. Why won’t you respond to any messages? How else are they supposed to reach out to you?

    I hope you can get some help or respite from your caretaking duties. Is there any family that can help? Can you afford a nurse for a few hours here and there?

    I truly wish better days for you. Being so busy and caretaking for someone else can be very isolating.

    Reply
    peggy
    September 9, 2022 at 9:42 am #1115958

    An online friends group is not the same as real life friends. Not sure if this group meets in person and if you have previously met them? I think your expectations are unrealistic.
    I agree you should have posted/sent a note explaining your situation. You sound overwhelmed and depressed. I hope you have actual real life friends you can/could talk to. It is not too late to reach out now, but do it without bitterness and blame.

    Reply
    Martha
    September 9, 2022 at 12:48 pm #1115961

    Thank you everyone for your advice. Just to clarify these are not online friends, we’ve been friends for almost 4-5 yrs now and we used to be close knit and meet regularly with families. Before this year, we had all been reaching out to each other personally as well for various things. It was only last year that 2 other ladies in this group had an argument and fight and we kinda stopped meeting up as a group all together. I was on good terms with both and even tried to be peacemaker which at least got them to start talking to each other. The last 3 months everyone was silent in the group since couple of ppl were traveling and I was pre occupied. After a long time it seems that they r planning to meet in person again.
    I don’t really expect any help from them. But a simple reaching out asking if im dead or alive isn’t too much to expect in my opinion.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    September 9, 2022 at 2:15 pm #1115962

    You have chosen not to respond to them. They’ve been still including you. Why haven’t you reached out? You’re judging them as a group, but they are individuals just as you are. Instead of feeling angry and blaming them, ask for a hand. Tell them how you’re doing. Reach out. You want them to do it, but you can only control you own actions. What have you got to lose by saying you’re overwhelmed and could use a friend?

    Reply
    Martha
    September 10, 2022 at 3:28 am #1115964

    Thank you for your empathy, I really needed it. Yes caretaking for someone is very isolating. I don’t think i have any real friends to be honest and at this age I’ll probably never have any.
    I know (and I think you all know as well) why I am hesitant to reach out. That I wont receive any support from any of them and I can’t blame them that much. They are mainly talking to each other to figure out hangout plans so what do I expect from them once I tell them I can’t join them?? Change their plans?? Im scared they won’t do anything other than say ‘sorry to hear that’ and carry on as usual. Im just running away from that reality. So my talking on the group would just be like an fyi not really a call for help. However my husband is meeting their husbands at a kids bday party nxt week. He will inform them abt my situation and I’ll let you guys know what happens after that.

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Are they my friends?

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