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Are white lies deceptive or irrelevant?

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  • #887067 Reply
    avatarComchichi
    Guest

    My boyfriend of 6 years tells white lies about things I believe are just irrelevant and don’t need to be lied about…

    For example, he was not in the room, his phone was next to me, he received a text from his friend saying something along the lines of “cool see you tomorrow”. Naturally I just thought whatever.

    We then got into a conversation about what we were going to do tomorrow, and I said are you seeing any friends tomorrow. He said “no not that I know of, maybe”

    He has done this before. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just say “yes I’m seeing meeting up with ??? tomorrow”

    When this has happened before, he will wait until the day of the event and say “ ??? Has text me so I am going to see him”. And make out like the person has text last minute.

    I have no issue with him meeting up with friends, I have reacted badly in the past if we have not been able to make plans because he is going somewhere Like in most relationships if you don’t get to spend a lot of time together, but that is not a regular occurrence and I don’t see the point in him lying about those things.

    I know it’s just a white lie and it’s really irrelevant, everyone tells white lies about stuff. But really? Irrelevant stuff I don’t get why.

    #887068 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s not irrelevant. You’ve reacted badly in the past, and you’re still kind of interrogating him (yes, you are, you read his text and then asked him about it).

    This is how he handles you now to avoid the kind of reaction he’s gotten in the past. To keep the peace, your boyfriend doesn’t tell you stuff.

    A white lie is like, yes, your new haircut is great. Or, this stew is delicious! What’s happening here is you don’t really trust your boyfriend, and he’s managing you.

    #887070 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    “ When this has happened before, he will wait until the day of the event and say “ ??? Has text me so I am going to see him”. And make out like the person has text last minute.”

    So how do you know they *didn’t* text him last minute? Do you read his texts?

    #887072 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I would not (in a million years) read a text that popped up on someone else’s phone. Yes, even if it were “right next to me.” Why are you doing that? Then, you tried to trap him in a lie by asking him if he were seeing friends the next day, when you knew that he was.

    The guy has a girlfriend who is laying traps for him. C’mon.

    #887073 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    “I have no issue with him meeting up with friends, I have reacted badly in the past if we have not been able to make plans because he is going somewhere Like in most relationships if you don’t get to spend a lot of time together,”

    This is not how things are on most relationships. Obviously people want to spend time with their partners but what you are describing isn’t normal or typical.

    #887074 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    You’ve trained your boyfriend to do this. To edit what he tells you, even if it involves a little lie. This is what people mean when they say they have to “walk on eggshells” with someone. Kate said it perfectly – he’s managing you.

    There’s this:
    “I have reacted badly in the past if we have not been able to make plans because he is going somewhere Like in most relationships if you don’t get to spend a lot of time together,”

    He’s learned that if you want to get together and he has plans, you’re going to react badly. So he doesn’t let you know about the plans until the last minute. And no, that doesn’t happen in most relationships. Most people understand that adult life is busy, and you sometimes have to juggle commitments, and sometimes those commitments mean you can’t see each other as often as you want to.

    If you’re feeling like he’s not making enough of an effort to see you, or that he’s not attentive enough…that’s when you say “this guy isn’t right for me,” and you move on.

    #887075 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I agree with the consensus here. You have reacted badly and this is how he’s been taught (by you) to mange you.

    When I started reading your post, I thought, hey maybe even if he’s made tentative plans with someone, he’s considering canceling and only decides to go last minute. A lot of people go through the motions of agreeing to plans and then make up their mind later.

    But that’s not what your post is about really. I think you’re wrong in that this is not how people in happy, healthy relationships function. You read his messages. You set traps for him. He tells white lies in an attempt to avoid you “reacting badly.” Six years in and there’s this distrust.

    Why do you care if he sees his friends? If you feel like he doesn’t spend enough time with you or something, that’s an issue to bring up.

    Essentially you need to stop snooping on his phone and stop trying to trap him in lies. Stop reacting badly to him spending time with other people.

    #887076 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    These are not white lies. These are lies of omission or just lies, but it seems like he’s doing it because telling you the truth leads to you getting all butthurt that he wants to do things without you. Normally I’d say that a guy lying is a red flag, but it would appear that in this case, hes doing it out of self preservation. He doesn’t want to fight with you and if he knows if he tells you things you don’t want to hear you flip out on him.

    So you need to determine if this relationship works for you – but it sounds like you need to take a step back and see how your behavior may have prompted this.

    #887077 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Lying about where he’s going and who he’s going with isn’t a “white lie”. A white lie is “no that bridesmaid’s dress doesnt make your butt look big at all”. What he’s doing is just plain lying. As others have said this may very well be because he’s learned he has to do this to avoid catching shit from you.

    No, “reacting badly” to not seeing your SO isn’t normal and like most relationships. Either you have a partner who isn’t prioritizing you and you need to address that as a larger pattern or, more likely, dump him and move on, there are circumstances like the pandemic or work schedules keeping you apart which do not merit a freak out at your partner, or you are too needy and making unreasonable demands on your boyfriend’s time and need to back off. Only you can know which of the three is the case. Reading your boyfriend’s texts without his permission is also a major flag that something is wrong – either with you or with the relationship. Stop doing that. It’s a huge violation of his privacy and trust. You may need to have a conversation where you come clean about snooping through his phone, apologize to him, and ask what you can do to help him feel comfortable communicating with you.

    #887102 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    White lies are always deceptive — their sole purpose is to obscure the truth, either of fact or of the white liar’s true feelings. That doesn’t mean that they cannot often also be irrelevant.

    golfer.gal — but he is revealing where he is going and who he will be with; he simply is doing so at the last minute to avoid days of discussion/argument. That sounds like a white lie. It is less than obvious that it is irrelevant.

    #887108 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    A white lie is to save the other person’s feelings, not to keep yourself out of the doghouse though.

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