TheHizzyJanuary 23, 2017 at 9:38 am #670366
So, I have some time before I have to ask but I wanted some advice on how to ask my mom.
My boyfriend and I are in a great relationship and we are discussing marriage. We have talked about the type of engagement ring I would want and even went looking over the weekend to get an idea. I really don’t want a brand new ring, but I don’t have a family heirloom neither does he.
About 10 years ago my dad got my mom a new band for her wedding ring finger and she hasn’t ever worn her actual wedding/engagement set for as long as I remember. I would like to keep the diamond in the family. I have never broached the topic with my mom of asking for her diamond to re-set into a new setting.
How have people in the past asked their family for a family ring, or diamond. And how do you approach it as “I want to re-set the diamond.” I want to come across as compassionate as asking her to part with her engagement ring, should I offer to pay for it, or replace the diamond? Should I have this conversation with my mom without my boyfriend? Should I just start dropping a hint or two in a few months of “I’d love to keep that in the family”? Just looking for guidance.TheHizzyJanuary 23, 2017 at 9:42 am #670368
I should also mention I have never talked about this EVER in the past with my mom so I think it would be a total shock to her.
Unless your mom has at some point indicated that she would like you to have her engagement ring as your own you don’t ask for it. It isn’t yours and it is both presumptuous and rude to think of it as yours or to ask for it. It belongs to your mom. Maybe she doesn’t wear it because she is afraid it will be lost. Whatever her reason it is her reason and her ring. If she offers it is a totally different situation but you shouldn’t ask.RedRoverRedRoverJanuary 23, 2017 at 10:07 am #670373
I think it depends a lot on the personalities involved. If it were me and my mom, I’d probably ask why she never wore it. Maybe there’s a reason that would make it seem weird for you to wear it, I don’t know. But if not, then I’d probably say something like “what if *I* wore it?”. I’d also offer to pay, because I have siblings and it wouldn’t be right for me to get a diamond and they get nothing.
Hm. For myself, personally, I don’t think I could ask. It’s not like an heirloom ring, where one or both of the parties are dead. Your parents are both very much alive and married, and just because the ring isn’t on her hand doesn’t mean it doesn’t have great meaning to her. I mean, my mom doesn’t wear her ring anymore because she’s 83 and it doesn’t fit her arthritic hands, but I would never in a million years ask her to give it up.
An engagement ring doesn’t have to be a diamond solitaire, if you’re not feeling that, and it doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Widen the search a little, and I’ll bet you can find something that suits you.TheHizzyJanuary 23, 2017 at 10:20 am #670383
Years ago I had asked her why she never wore it and she said it doesn’t fit anymore and didn’t want to get it resized. She opted to wear different rings until she got her diamond band from my dad.
I’m going in knowing she has every right to say no. My goal is to turn her diamond into a family one. I am under NO assumption that it is MINE. I understand fully that it is hers and it would be a major thing for her to part with it.
I was trying to view it as honoring her and my father and their marriage. She has already told me that I will be receiving her jewelry after she passes. I just would have figured she might like to see her diamond worn while she’s still around.SpaceyStephJanuary 23, 2017 at 10:31 am #670385
What makes you so sure there is no family heirloom? I mean obviously not like some big fancy diamond passed down from the Duchess of Somesuch, but what happened to your grandmothers’ rings? Or other family member’s rings?
My sister’s husband proposed with my grandmother’s wedding band (she passed away years ago, my mom had it in a drawer). They weren’t wealthy so it wasn’t anything huge, just a gold band inset with small diamonds, and then they later had the diamonds reset. The husband is the one who called up my parents and said he knew my sister is sentimental and would like a family ring and my mom offered that ring.
I think that’s the way to do it. Have your future fiance call them and ask about “family rings” vs that specific ring. Maybe they do have something from an older relative that they’d rather part with. Or maybe they don’t have a ring they want to give up at all. Some moms would probably be happy for their daughter to wear their engagement ring that they’ve stopped wearing, some wouldn’t. If they do offer it, he should make it clear that it may get altered or re-set.
And if you don’t get a family ring, it’s still possible to buy a vintage ring from a jewelry shop. It might not have the family history, but it could still be a unique, older piece.TheHizzyJanuary 23, 2017 at 10:37 am #670389
Thanks you @SpaceySteph
I had asked when I was a kid, forever ago, about any family rings and as far as I know there aren’t any. So I would be starting one. I just wasn’t sure if it’d be better brought up by my boyfriend versus me. We live half way across the country and they haven’t had too much of a chance to fully build a relationship with him. He wants to ask both parents blessing before asking me to marry him. I wasn’t sure on timing…he wants to ask blessing in person so looks like we’ll be waiting a little longer.
I had been looking at vintage stuff but would love to keep something in the family before we fully went down that route.TheHizzyJanuary 23, 2017 at 10:38 am #670391
I understand. Which is why I would want to start the conversation and let her think on it. If she would even say “Yes” right away I would ask her to spend a week to think on it at least. And she’d want to discuss it with my dad before she gave me an answer. She’s not one to answer so rash. And if she happened to, I’d put in a buffer because I don’t want regret from her side EVER.Northern StarJanuary 23, 2017 at 10:41 am #670392
I would not ask her. “Keeping a diamond in the family” usually means wearing it or offering it for a proposal after a beloved family member has passed on—not prying it away from your still-alive and still-married mom on your timetable.
If you don’t like new rings for whatever reason, visit an antique store.