At a Lost
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Recently I had gotten myself into a “situationship.” It was fine until he tells me he’s not over his ex. I was upset but expressed I was only disappointed that despite having multiple conversations to make sure he was ready to move on, he was not. I felt hurt and used, which he basically told me wasn’t valid because it was nothing. We then went home for break and he texted me every day, acting as if nothing had happened. I went along with it, but didn’t reply as much or as often. I figured not talking at all wouldn’t be good because he wanted to be friends and we had all our classes together after the break.
We get back from break and everything seems fine until he comes over just to exchange gifts. He happens to receive a text from his ex which sends him into a panic, leaving him running out the door with no explanation. He didn’t text me and then ignored me in person and through text for days after. I find out he went to mutual friends after running out of my house, telling them I was acting weird and not kind. I have no idea why, and he also lied to them saying he didn’t contact me over break at all. I decided he needs space, so I ignore him back.
After a while class just felt awkward and uncomfortable so I text and asked to chat to clear things up. He pushes it off and when he finally comes over, he says those friends told him to give me space (too little too late). He wouldn’t look at me at all as we spoke. I tell him I just want things to be civil, and he agrees. He tells me he won’t say what’s going on with his ex, which I told him I didn’t want nor need him to. He tells me he has to go and leaves. I’m not really sure what to do at this point, as it seems he still has an issue with me for what reason, I don’t know. To make things even weirder, he’s made his final project about memories of traveling with his ex. He’s even flying there to take pictures, but obviously I don’t know the details of this. It’s just difficult knowing he’s somehow upset with me, doesn’t seem to understand why I was ever hurt, and I’m trying everything to get things to just be chill. I’ve also reached out even when he was ignoring me to make sure he was ok, since I know mentally he’s been having a hard time.
I don’t really know what to do anymore- not talking at all isn’t an option since we see each other in class and share friends. I don’t have any feelings anymore and haven’t since probably right before the break- I just don’t understand how he gets a text from her and suddenly I seem to have done something wrong. I know he’ll probably never get or care that I was hurt, but I’m not sure why he’s acting like this now. Any advice to get things normal again is helpful, thank you.
You sound like you’re in college, right? It may take a few more experiences with tools like this before you realize they aren’t worth your time and energy but if you can learn from just this experience, you’ll be further ahead than I was in college. It wasn’t until my late 20s, I finally was done for good with guys who showed they didn’t care about me.
As you suspect, you will likely never get any kind of answer from this dork about why he behaved the way he did, but the answer is that he’s selfish, an idiot, and really just doesn’t care about your feelings. I know you have class together and share mutual friends, but I would definitely keep my distance from him. You don’t need to be friends or “be civil” or whatever. And you absolutely 100% do NOT need to be checking on him because you think his mental health is suffering or he’s not been in a good place. Fuck that. He is not your problem.
You probably have other friends who don’t overlap with him, right? Hang out with them. Avoid the mutual friends for a while if the guy is going to be tagging along. Avoid doing anything social around him for a few weeks to a couple months – however long it takes for you to not give a shit about him. And the next time some guy treats you like this one did, adios right away. Don’t keep texting, don’t keep checking in, don’t try to get closure or clear the air (these are really just ways we try to hang on anyway). Just walk away with your head held high knowing you love yourself enough to not put up with BS from dorks who should feel lucky to have your attention.
Ugh yeah. What Wendy said. This is just a garden variety douchebag who had sex with someone while either still with, or still in love with, his girlfriend and then wigged out about it and made it your problem. He’s all caught up in his own drama. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you have to be nice to someone like this who creates problems of his own and then drags other people into it. Just cut these duds off. Oh, not over your ex? Sounds like a you problem. Bye. Go figure your shit out without me.
If a guy leaves the room, running to respond to his ex, you should walk away with a clear conscience that he is not over her. I’m concerned that you seem to not be aware that you are worth more than this bs.
Imagine if you get an answer, and his attention. You’ll always wonder if that text is her, that notification, etc.
