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Awkward situation with new line manager at work

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This topic contains 32 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by float_in_the_ocean floats_in_the_ocean 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #807350 Reply
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    Tim S
    Member

    I am a male crossdresser. For many years I had this stupid fantasy about having a sexual encounter with another guy, even though I’m straight. A couple of years ago, on an impulse, I went onto an internet hookup site and pretty soon found a match. I agreed to meet him immediately (before I could chicken out), got to the meeting point early, changed into women’s clothes and waited for him. As soon as he arrived, I felt sick – it was no longer a fantasy and was now pretty real, and I had no attraction to him. But I went deep into the woods with him and submitted to a series of sex acts, including full unprotected intercourse. It was the worst experience of my life. He kept my underwear as a trophy.

    I decided to put it behind me and write it off as stupidity on my part. But, last month, my employers hired a new guy to act as manager of our section and, to my horror, it turned out to be this guy I’d had sex with. He didn’t recognise me at first but, when we took him to the pub after work at the end of that first week and he’d had a couple of drinks in him, he waited until no one else was near, patted me on the backside, said that he was glad to see I was still wearing a girdle, told me he still had my old one as a souvenir and asked me if I was still giving it away.

    He’s never mentioned it since, but I find it an ordeal just to be in his presence now. I like my job and don’t want to give it up, but I don’t know how I can go on working under the only man I’ve ever had sex with. And that’s assuming he doesn’t try to abuse his position. How should I handle this situation?

    #807351 Reply
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    Jen

    I don’t know if there is much you can do at this point. As much as his comment was clearly unnecessary and uncalled for, unless he continues to make comments then just let it be.

    However, if anything is said further and if he makes any comments about the situation in the work environment then get in touch with Human Resources. As much as you may not wish to speak about the ordeal, HR will deal with it in confidence and he will be dealt with.

    #807353 Reply
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    Miss MJ

    Oh, man. This is a tough situation. On the off chance that he’s just an idiot and not an asshole, I think I’d actually be proactive on it and tell him privately that his comment to you was inappropriate and unprofessional and that your policy is to keep your private/sex life totally separate from your professional life and that you request that he do the same, at least where you’re concerned. Hopefully, he values his job and career and will not mention anything inappropriate to you or your co-workers to you again, regardless of whether he has a couple of beers. If that doesn’t work, then you’ll have to go to HR.

    #807354 Reply
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    Northern Star

    I agree with Miss MJ.

    And I also hope you know that you do NOT owe anyone a damn thing—let alone sex—even if you previously agreed to hook up. Just in case you find yourself in another situation that gets out of control. Please be safe.

    #807355 Reply
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    Tim S
    Member

    Hi Jen, Miss MJ

    Thanks for the replies. Miss MJ’s suggestion gives me the shakes just thinking about it, but it might just be the best way to go. I can’t just pretend that it didn’t happen, or that I don’t remember, and just letting the situation fester will drive me crazy. I’m just going to have to talk to him about it. I guess he stands to lose as much as I do if the story gets out, so it’s in both our interests to make sure it goes no further.

    I can’t say I’m looking forward to it though…

    #807356 Reply
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    Tim S
    Member

    Thanks Northern Star – you posted just as I was typing the previous reply. I don’t think I could face sex with him again – it was excruciating enough having to endure it the first time.

    #807358 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    This reads like a Penthouse Forum Fantasy Letter… though a curious amount of self loathing bleeds through…
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    Um. Yeah. Okay, playing along as I am bored on set today… I think counseling and more will help this situation.
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    Also… perhaps… a new job. PS — Wait. What? Huh? You wear a girdle to work? INSERT head scratch. Exactly when was this letter penned?
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    PS — Everybody is hating on the new manager here, but honestly? How would the clueless cad even know the LW didn’t also simply have a great time, too? The LW sure seems to have revealed nothing of the sort during their hook up.

    #807359 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Sometimes you have to reverse the genders to understand how fucked up this was. Imagine if OP was a woman who had a casual sexual encounter with a guy who later became her boss. It would be absolutely inexcusable that he PATTED HER ON THE BACKSIDE during happy hour and made a sexual comment.

    So just to start with OP, this dude was 100% out of line, this is sexual harassment, and I’m sorry this happened to you.

    If something like this happened to me, I would absolutely go straight to my manager’s boss or to HR and make a formal complaint about sexual harassment. That said, unfortunately the calculus is different because it was a homosexual interaction and also related to kink (both of which, depending on your location and company culture, may not be so acceptable). MJ’s suggestion is good. Also, I definitely recommend therapy. Its ok to have a kink, but you seem to have some significant self loathing associated with it along with processing what sounds like a traumatic sexual experience and it might be helpful to work through that with help.

    Also, is it possible to stay in a same or similar job under a different line manager? Maybe that’s some way to get you away from the immediate issue of having to be around him.

    #807360 Reply
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    Tim S
    Member

    I’m no spring chicken, and remember old style girdles. You can still buy them online. I wear a Playtex “I can’t believe it’s a girdle” at work.

    Anyway, without going into graphic details, I think he might have guessed from my reactions at the time that I was inexperienced and definitely not into it.

    #807361 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    BGM I assure you, girdles are alive and well in women’s fashion.

    #807380 Reply
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    Miss MJ

    I assumed the “girdle” was basically Spanx.

    #807382 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Regardless of how things shake out with this situation I hope you find some peace with what happened that night. Your phrasing is leading me to believe that things went further than you wanted and that this guy wasn’t exactly holding out for enthusiastic consent. I’m sorry you’re feeling vulnerable at work. I’ve been there under different circumstances and it really sucks.

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