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Dear Wendy

Baby shower for a step daughter who does not give me the time of day

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar PDX816 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #838671 Reply
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    Anita Sipe

    Dear Wendy,
    I have been with my significant other for 10 years now. I have 3 sons and he has 2 daughters. These girls have grown up in a rich lifestyle. My sons and I have not. It does not bother my partner that I am not wealthy and he loves my boys like they were his own. His girls do not give me the time of day. I try having conversations with them but it only falls on deaf ears. I invite them to family gatherings and such but they are always to busy to attend. Now that one of them is having a baby, I was invited to the baby shower. Is it ignorant of me to not want to attend? The ex wife will be there, and she is one who I do not feel the need to be around. Also, over the years I have attended holiday dinners, and bought gifts for the girls that I thought they would like only to find them stuffed in the trash. Help!!!

    Stuck between a rock and a hard place

    #838672 Reply
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    keyblade
    Member

    I don’t think you have to go. It doesn’t sound like you had any kind of step-mother relationship with them. Do politely R.S.V.P, though, and I would encourage your husband to take his daughter out to celebrate the baby, send a nice card/gift-card with a kind message, and be enthusiastic and supportive when you go to visit her and his grandchild. Think about how you would want him to treat your sons if they had a new baby.

    #838675 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    My instinct is that you should go. It’s a few hours of your time where you’ll be with lots of other people who maybe don’t know anyone. You say the daughter doesn’t give you the time of day, so it was a kind gesture to invite you. It is especially kind given her mother (your boyfriend’s ex) is likely the hostess or involved in the hosting. I would go. Stick to her registry so you know she will like the gift. I get it that you don’t like the daughter, and feel slighted by her behavior, but her baby shower isn’t the time to make a statement about that. Go, be gracious, and score some points with the daughter. Also, in the future stop buying her gifts since you know they are not appreciated. Stick to gift cards, certificates to get a massage or get her nails done, or from her hair salon. Keep conversation light and cordial. You keep getting hurt by her lack of engagement with you, so stop expecting her to engage. Consider her an acquaintance you occasionally make small talk with. Stop investing in being close with her and just accept things as they are.

    #838679 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    I think you should go. She invited you, which was a kind effort and a step in the right direction. When you go, be pleasant, stick to positive subjects (not complaining about the past) and give a gift from the registry. Maybe you and your husband can discuss and choose something together.

    At the very least, you should send a nice gift. If you don’t go, you’re just furthering the divide.

    #838706 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    For your own sake be a grown up for fucking once and JUST GO. You really think NOT going will somehow boost your fucking cause here?

    #838707 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    PS — Lord knows you’d damn well bitch bitch bitch had you NOT been invited…

    #838710 Reply
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    MaltaKano

    I mean this was probably not an enthusiastic invite from the stepdaughter. I don’t see anything wrong with sending a nice gift from the registry with a thoughtful card and making up some rock-solid excuse for missing the day. Heck, I do that for people I actually like, because baby showers are the worst.

    #838711 Reply
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    MaltaKano

    On the other hand, it could be a good opportunity to demonstrate your determination to have your stepdaughter in your life. If these kinds of celebrations seem important to her, it would send a clear message that you’re sticking around despite her chilly behavior. And I really do want to emphasize the point others made above about sticking to the gift registry – don’t be offended if something you think is nice isn’t someone else’s cup of tea. It’s a lot more meaningful to tune into what SHE is signaling that she wants than to pick out something you think she should like. Maybe that has been part of the gift giving awkwardness in the past.

    #838715 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Go but be prepared to leave early.

    You’re in a no win situation. If you show up, they’ll cluck “I can’t believe she actually showed up.” If you say you’re not coming “I can’be believe she rejected the invite.” and if you simply don’t show up “I can’t believe she is so rude.”

    Say “I can only stay for a bit because I have another engagement today but I wanted to be here for such a happy party.” Don’t be exact. If something goes awry “Oops! Gotta run. Congrats on having sex.” If things go well “I texted my friend that I would be a little late and it’s ok.”

    #838716 Reply
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    Fyodor

    This woman is her husband’s daughter. The LW and her husband presumably are going to want to be in the baby’s life. She was invited and she should go. She can sit and eat crumpets or whatever for a few hours.

    She is not stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is a minor courtesy for a family member she dislikes.

    #838717 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I will add that the birth of a child is sometimes a thawing point for these kinds of relationships and it would be a shame if the LW blew up that opportunity in a fit of spite.

    #838723 Reply
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    FYI

    Absolutely GO. It’s two hours of your life, for chrissakes.

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