Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Baby shower for a step daughter who does not give me the time of day

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Baby shower for a step daughter who does not give me the time of day

This topic contains 19 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar PDX816 7 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #838725 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Also, not that it has anything to do with anything but why are you responsible for buying his children gifts? That is his job. Does he go out and buy your sons presents?

    He picks something out, says “I picked this out from stepmother and me.” if they throw it in the trash, that’s his emotional baggage to deal with.

    Bah.

    #838728 Reply
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    keyblade
    Member

    Do you want to avoid the shower because you are filled with judgment about what spoiled jerks you think your partner’s kids have been? Because to be honest it sounds like your partner might not have been very active in their lives if he has been busy being an active parent-figure to your kids.

    Did he leave his wife after an affair or start dating you before they were actively getting a divorce?

    Do you bring up the money issue because you don’t think your boyfriend should be spending a lot of money on his daughter or grandchild?

    It’s extremely impolite to throw someone else’s gift away and they haven’t seemed to miss you much. Because of this, I think sending you an invite could be basic etiquette and showing up with a nice gift may not radically endear you to them, especially if they perceive hostility, judgement, or insecurity while you are there.

    Another thought, if you got them a really cheap gift that they didn’t like or couldn’t use (like a drugstore gift) and they tossed it when they thought you wouldn’t see, it may not have been as personal as you think. Maybe they didn’t come to your functions because they were busy, or it brought up feelings of discomfort for them for some reason.

    I do agree with everyone else that it would be best for your relationship to just take this shower at face value, go with a gift from the registry, laugh and make small talk, and focus on the step-daughter more than yourself. The other family will likely notice.

    It is a supportive thing to do for your relationship. It’s a small amount of time to put in and its an opportunity to build a natural rapport. But don’t do it if you’re going to score-keep. And don’t assume going means they will necessarily be friendlier or more inclined to include you in any and all future gatherings. Or that their mother has suddenly decided she enjoys spending time with you. She is probably including you in support of her daughter in much the same way you would mostly be going for your boyfriend.

    #838748 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    You seem to be stuck on this gift thing (how long ago was this that you’re still upset about it?) but you need to understand that people have different tastes. Do you want them to hang on to something they don’t like because you gave it to them? My MIL is a big gifter of *things* and for a long time I kept everything she gave me even if I didn’t like it. But then I realized that if I kept doing that, I’d just have piles and piles of unused stuff she gave me from years and years. I don’t want to end up on an episode of Hoarders!

    So I no longer keep gifts I don’t like. It is not a commentary on my relationship with my MIL that I didn’t keep the platter she gave me. I just didn’t want the plate. I still appreciate the thought behind it and still love her, I just don’t want the plate.

    Anyways, you have two choices here:
    1) Understand that even grown children can have a lot of feelings about their parents divorce and father’s new wife (which may or may not be earned, you don’t say anything about when you got with their father relative to his divorce) and you can take the high road and continue to try to forge a relationship. Chances are you’ll never be besties, but you will at least maintain cordial relations. Or…
    2) you can fight fire with fire, become the wicked stepmother (the narrative will not go in your favor here no matter who is at fault) and then you can kiss a relationship with your stepdaughters and future step-grandchildren goodbye. You will probably harm your husband’s relationship with his children and grandchildren this way, too.

    Pick option 1, go to the shower, buy a gift off the registry.
    Its a couple hours of your life for the sake of years of family harmony.

    #838759 Reply
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    PDX816

    You need to go, you might nor care for the daughter, or feel she cares for you but to not go won’t make anything better. Get a gift off her registry, play nice for a few hours and leave. Someone above made the suggestion to have a plan for a quick exit, if you feel the need to not stay for the entire event then do that. But it’s a couple hours and you’ll look petty for not attending.

    #838896 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster
    #838905 Reply
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    Bianca

    @bittergaymark Your username suites you well. Seek help.

    #839032 Reply
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    PDX816

    @Biance But he isn’t wrong. I don’t always agree with BGM’s delivery, but his observations send to be pretty spot on. She needs to go and stop creating drama about it. She would have absolutely bitched had she not been invited.

    #839033 Reply
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    PDX816

    **@Bianca (sorry, rough night)

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